丨different
Some netizens posted a question on the Internet: What are the truths of that they only understand after marriage?
Countless people replied below:
"The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is not handled well, even the best husband and wife relationship is a chicken feather";
"no matter how romantic before marriage, it will eventually return to the ordinary";
"the birth of a child will really let you Life is in a mess";
, "fewer complaints, less as it should be";
, "the most terrible thing in marriage is silence";
.......
Director Shen Keshang, after a year of marriage, deeply feels When there are fewer and fewer conversations with my wife, living in the chai, rice, oil and salt has become more and more boring. The freshness, passion, and curiosity that were once seem to fade with time. Shen Ke is still puzzled how the marriage that
thought would be loving for a lifetime suddenly became like this. He spent 7 years photographing 8 couples , showing the truest side of the marriage to us.
—— "Love is here, get married, look forward to happiness. After marriage, it is no longer just love, but more complicated things."
01
About mother-in-law
marriage is not a matter of two people, but two The affairs of a family, this is clearly visible in the couple's marriage. Because
has to take care of her parents-in-law, she can't take care of her family, which makes her feel uncomfortable, but her husband's incomprehension of her mood makes her feel wronged.
"Even if I miss them very much, I will call at most, even if my mother is sick at home for half a month, I will at most call, I can't go back to take care of her, mom is at home alone. But your mother is not yeah, your mother gave birth For minor illnesses, let's go and see her."
For a husband, as a boy, he "has a lot of things to take care of", and the burden of the family rests on him. He wants his wife to share the burden of caring for his parents, so he often stands in the perspective of his parents and communicates with his wife.
But he didn't know, this kind of thought was the most hurtful.
"When facing your parents, you should make me feel that you are standing with me to deal with things."
"You represent your parents to deal with us and your parents, or me and your parents I will feel isolated and helpless".
Regarding the issue of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, John Gottman made a very important point: Every husband must understand that when you get married, you and your mother are actually two families. In your family with your wife, you are first one. A husband, and the wife is the mistress of the family.
"I know that no matter how big things happen in the future, you must be by my side no matter what, I think this is enough."
Putting the spouse first, and establishing the sense of unity of "us" with the spouse is a very important part of marriage.
02
about the child
. This wife asked her husband why she drinks a lot now. She thought about many reasons: work pressure is high, life is unpleasant, and she doesn’t even love her... But the answer is that she is the most One shocked one:
He said: "Because the child is noisy next to him, it is better to have a drink when sleeping well."
The husband thinks this is not a big deal, but the wife thinks it is "sunny." Thunderbolt":
" From her birth till now, I have tried my best to let her not affect your sleep, otherwise why am I so tired, but I found that I did everything, you still think, right For you, it’s a problem." All my intentions, all sacrifices, and all my sacrifices were completely denied by my husband’s lighthearted words. "
.
"Does it feel as if I am willing to give birth to this child? I sacrifice myself too."
"I just hate children." What a pain in my heart when
said that sentence-she used the sharpest sentence to hurt everyone's feelings, including her own.
When a child is born, the most important thing for a family is that the husband should also be involved in the task of taking care of the child.
After the child is born, the wife will inevitably experience a series of physical and mental changes, and will often be exhausted. If the husband can adjust the working hours, go home earlier or take over his wife’s work at the weekend, so that the wife can have a good rest. Visiting friends or watching a movie can bring great benefits to marriage.
As a wife, you should learn to let go occasionally, although the husband may be clumsy, do not use criticism and condemnation to make him withdraw from the ranks of taking care of children.
In addition, the most important point is that in addition to assuming the role of parents, couples should create their own time, temporarily extract themselves from the roles of parents, and rediscover sweetness and romance, even if it is just a hug, one belongs to two People's dinner...
03
About sex
In marriage, can sex become stress?
will.
"Sometimes, I feel that both parties are not very happy, and they are not enjoying themselves."
mentioned this topic when chatting with a friend, and her answer is always impressive: , We are still beginners.
"It seems that we can rarely sit together and talk about sex, like or dislike, the way we like, the environment we like, the feelings of intimacy with each other... if we are tired today and don’t want to Yes, you don’t need to force yourself to perfuse yourself so that you don’t enjoy each other. It’s better to chat together..." In marriage, once you treat sex as a routine affair, you lose the share that comes from the bottom of your heart. Passion begins to perfuse, and the marriage relationship will inevitably become cold.
One phenomenon of the gradual coldness of marriage is the gradual loss of intimacy.
04
About silence
At the very beginning of marriage, it is all sweet and happy. I firmly believe that two people will always go hand in hand.
But slowly, the two people got used to each other, and the magnificent love wave gradually became silent in the daily firewood, rice, oil and salt, and no longer shared or expressed love. So I slept on a bed, but my heart got farther and farther away.
"Do you talk for more than an hour a day?" The question asked by the wife of
may be a problem faced by most marriages.
How long have you not spoken to the dialogue?
Before marriage, the two people talked all over the world, talking about dreams and growth. After the marriage, the content of the conversation between the two parties became very transactional, and they were conversations about the division of life. Why are there so few opportunities to listen to each other attentively?
Shen Keshang once said: "The tragedy in love is indifference, while the real hurt in marriage is silence."
In a relationship, the most important thing is not appearance or bread, evenIt's not loyal or not, but sharing. If they don’t share, they will live under the same roof and they will be like strangers.
If you don't say something, the other party will never know what you are thinking. You must communicate with each other regularly and review and reflect. Countless marriages can't get through this.
05
About love
This couple is a couple that Shen Keshang followed to make him deeply touched:
They have also experienced various problems in life from passion to dullness.
For a period of time, the elders fell ill. The two had to take care of the elderly and the children, as well as their own work problems. During a quarrel, the husband suddenly broke out and raised the chair and the whole chair was broken.
This wife thought a lot in her heart, but she didn't get angry or counterattack. She suddenly realized: you who are angry at me at this moment, you who are out of control at this moment, are not angry with me, you are crying for me s help.
"That's the moment I feel strongly that love is a thing that has been stacked by various experiences, but it will actually be tempered into another emotion: it may be greater than love, maybe more Close to the intimacy of life."
Shen Keshang said: "Compared to saying that marriage is a married couple, I now believe that marriage is a cooperative relationship."
marriage is not just the union of a loving man and woman. They play the roles of father, mother, or friend with each other, each showing a child-like innocence when necessary, and so on are all part of marriage.
Later, Shen Keshang no longer communicated with his wife and asked his wife what to do...but every time he went home, he told himself: "She is not my wife, she is my friend."
"face Friends, we are very easy to accept "he is such a person, he has these bad habits", then why treat the other half so harshly?
If she is my friend, you would not hope that your friend will do it What, you don’t think it’s right for a friend to have to do something. You think what a friend needs, I’ll listen, and I can help.”
Gorman proposed: one of the worst reasons for the end of a marriage , It is the husband and wife who did not realize its value in time, and when they gave up each other, they realized how much they really gave up. People often think that a good marriage is taken for granted, not something that needs to be nurtured, valued and urgently needed.
There are no two people who are born to be suitable. All suitable is that two people accommodate and change each other, working in the same direction. There are no two people who can't be together, only two hearts that don't get close together.
Time back to the wedding day, do you still remember the promise you made?
Regardless of prosperity or adversity, wealth or poverty, health or disease, happiness or sorrow, you will love her unreservedly, and will never leave her forever, be loyal to her forever, are you willing?
I am willing.
The road to marriage is long, and it is inevitable to stumble, but please don’t forget how to get along, please don’t forget to take care of it.
is easy to get at the beginning but hard to keep. Don't forget the original intention, always have to go.
Picture source:
documentary "Happiness Freeze" Director: Shen Keshang
