You can love someone, but still choose to say goodbye to him; you can miss someone every day, but you are still glad that he is no longer in your life.
01
The hit play "In the Name of the Family" finally ushered in a happy ending-
Li Dad and Anna Ma have made a positive result, which also means that Li Jianjian and He Ziqiu have finally become a well-known family, and Ziqiu also understands When my mother abandoned him at the beginning, it was forced by the situation to complete the ultimate reconciliation with her mother...
Faced with the love between Ling Xiao and Li Jianjian, Chen Ting, the number one wonderful mother, went from various demon destruction to the final "wake up". Finally chose to quit Ling Xiao's life and moved back to Singapore with her daughter. Of course, I did not forget a suicide farce before I left, and I was also drunk...
Although this may be the best ending that the screenwriter can think of at present, for me from professional family consultation and mediation, I feel that it is always lacking. Something. Especially when Ling Xiao told his father that he hadn't dreamed of his sister Yunyun who died before for a long time. Did he pay off all the fucking sister he owed? ......
When Dad Ling was silent, I knew that Ling Xiao's heart had not completed a real reconciliation. He still believed that his sister's death was his fault, and it was a heavy burden that he needed a lifetime to repay .
So, I still can't help but ask, are the injuries of really let go?
I can't ask too much for a popular drama that reflects the original family and tends to the main theme. Because real life is far more complicated and heavier than drama. However, there are a few issues that we don’t face directly in the play. They are exactly the issues we need to face in real life. With this hit play, I will talk about how to truly get out of the original family from my professional consulting experience. Injury.
02
Question 1: In the face of mother's emotional blackmail, can Ling Xiao's submission and avoidance really solve the problem?
In the play, Chen Ting has been carrying out various emotional PUAs to Ling Xiao-
suffered an accident in which her daughter was choked to death by a walnut because of her negligence in management. She couldn't bear this feeling of guilt, so she shifted the responsibility to Ling Xiao’s body, let Ling Xiao carry the heavy yoke life of her own sister who killed her sister...
Because of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Response Syndrome), Chen Ting's emotions have been on the verge of collapse, and finally all her emotions are lost. The vent was on the child, and when she finally divorced Ling Xiao, she chose to leave alone cruelly and threw Ling Xiao to Li Jianjian’s family...
But once the situation stabilized, she ran back to be a demon, as Ling Xiao’s parent He deliberately humiliated Li's father who took care of Ling Xiao, and deliberately let Xiao Orange entangle Ling Xiao, and finally fell injured and let Ling Xiao, who was preparing for the college entrance examination, accompany him in bed...
And when a car accident happened behind, Ling Xiao gave up Peking University. When I went to Singapore to study and accompany my bed, Ling Xiao had to take care of her underage sister. Ling Xiao lived a hellish life, especially when faced with the emotional violence of suicide at every turn, Ling Xiao couldn’t sleep at night...
After graduation, she was almost recovered. Ling Xiao wanted to go home and go to Li Jianjian, but she successfully controlled Ling Xiao with emotional violence, and cut all his commemorative photos, hoping to completely cut off his warm memory ...
Ling Xiao came back nine years later. He and Li Jianjian had a happier life, and her heart began to shine, but Chen Ting began to return to be a demon again, and she just stayed at home...
She clearly said that she did not agree with Li Jianjian, and Ling Xiao could only be emotional confrontation, or she did not speak, but was firmly controlled by Chen Ting’s emotional PUA, even Xiao Orange could see it, and not only sympathized. Li Jianjian said, my mother dislikes you very much, and my brother can't beat my mother.
If it were not the final reversal of the plot, I really don’t know how Ling Xiao, who tortured herself with a stern face every day, can get out of Chen Ting’s emotional blackmail?
I have introduced a family healing bookThe classic "You should fly to your mountain like a bird" (Healing classics "You should fly to that mountain like a bird": paranoid father, violent brother, silent mother, brainwashing tutor... native family How should I let go of the injury?) There is a passage in the section that tells me what I’ve been doing in family reconciliation work over the years-
"You can love someone, but you still choose to say goodbye to him; you can miss someone every day, But I'm still glad that he is no longer in your life." The father of the author of the book
is also a strange parent like Chen Ting, and has various emotional blackmailing behaviors against her, , but she managed to escape from purgatory in the end. The family has truly begun to move towards freedom of the soul and reconciliation of the inner . The reason why particularly appreciates the author's attitude is that she has used her own actions to complete her own salvation.
Just as she was sorting out the harm caused by her paranoid father and violent brother, although she did not deny their love for her, she still has a very clear observer’s perspective and wrote:
"When we try to love her If you control and change others in the name of, this kind of love will change. This is not the true meaning of love. If you love others, you love unconditionally and return the right of self-choice to your loved one. If you say, I must change me Love people, so that I can own them forever, then this is not love at all, nor is it the value and power of love.
So I want to tell my family that I still love them very much. Even though half of my family has been married I cut off contact, although I have to accept the reality-they have to change to return to my life. As for whether they will change, it is beyond my control."
And Ling Xiao still desires her mother's change in her bones. To complete his own salvation, he still did not use his continuous exploration and self-care to tell himself- this is not your fault! You are fully qualified and able to stand up for the life you want! You should defend the boundaries of your life, rather than waiting for the other side to show compassion to his subordinates to stay love!
From the perspective of psychology, Ling Xiao's psychological problems have not really been solved. He just found Li Jianjian as a safe haven, longing for Li Jianjian to warm him like the sun. What he can return is that he put all his attention on the family and took care of Li Jianjian with his heart.
However, when a man has completely given up the dream of exploring outwards, and is no longer curious about the people outside the world, it is actually a kind of energy self-castration. He suppresses his aggressiveness to become a warm man. Even live entirely for each other. But what is the essential difference between this choice and Chen Ting? This is precisely the biggest worry buried in this drama.
03
Question 2: Ling Xiao regards Li Jianjian as the sun that can save him, but in reality, did Li Jianjian really save Ling Xiao?
I guess this question is a question that many people who eat melon want to ask, although from the perspective of the play, a lot of common sayings are used to improve the relationship, such as "Fatty water does not leave outsiders' fields", "Two little people have no guesses", "Know the roots, know the bottom, and be familiar How good", but it seems difficult to make people think that Li Jianjian will be able to run towards happiness from then on.
Yes, Ling Xiao regards Li Jianjian as the sun that can illuminate and save him. He stays in the abyss for too long. He needs Li Jianjian’s hand to hold him and take him from endless Pull out from the abyss.
and Li Jianjian also seems to have this ability, lively, cheerful, understanding, helpful, positive... Facing Ling Xiao, I believe Li Jianjian doesn't mind being the "savior". Just like her psychological monologue in the face of Ling Xiao’s emotional breakdown:
"I always thought he was in the center of the light, and only after discovering what was wrong with him, did I realize that he had been broken in a place where I could not see it, late at night I had a pain in it. I don’t know how he found himself piece by piece and put it together in a dazzling look. I’m approaching now and finally saw the scars all over his body.”
faced a lover covered with scars , Do you choose to approach or stay away? The topic of
is a matter of opinion. The TV series can of course be made into a choice like Li Jianjian, full of Jane Eyre’s romantic tragedy, so that all realistic considerationsIt seems insignificant.
But life needs to face reality after all. If I were Li Jianjian’s consultant, I would at least advise her to be cautious. After all, a good intimacy requires two independent and complete personalities to nourish each other, not through the "Kapman Drama Triangle" of salvation and salvation (what are you "arguing" on?-ten cases show you through the couple The real reason for the "quarrel" (three)) comes to play a bitter drama.
This is why Yi Nengjing, who likes to be a demon, was treated just right by the straight steel man Qin Hao, because Qin Hao directly told Yi Nengjing, who likes Qiongyao's expression, "You are sick, get cured! I am your husband, not yours Psychiatrist!" (Yineng Jingxing was ridiculed by the crowd, why did the profound Qin Hao fall in love with the "worker" Yi Nengjing?)
Therefore, Li Jianjian’s biggest problem is actually the unclear boundary and no distinction between the partner and the rescuer. Of course, it’s not a bad thing to be the "heart medicine" for the other party. But the key is to have an accurate assessment of your abilities.
is like Ling Xiao’s inability to cope with her mother’s emotional extortion. It is unrealistic to ease the relationship through her own kindness. At this time, Li Jianjian expressed his attitude and set up a safety barrier for their close relationship, facing Chen Ting Ling Xiao’s provocation, showing the boundaries in a gentle and persistent way is a more effective way. Of course, the fundamental solution lies in Ling Xiao’s attitude. Ling Xiao needs to clarify the boundaries and bravely say “no” to his mother’s PUA behavior.
Faced with a partner who is unable to rationally and resolutely says "no", if it comes to entering into marriage, I advise friends who are dazzled by love to think twice.
04
Question 3: As soon as Chen Ting changes, all contradictions seem to be solved, but in reality, is Chen Ting really a drag on everyone? Another problem with the finale of
is that the labeling characteristics of good people and bad people are too obvious. For example, the role of Chen Ting basically collects all the suppressed dark sides of the protagonist, making us feel that the protagonists are very pitiful and hateful. It's this selfish mom!
This is a typical "dual opposition" projection game in psychology. As I said in the interpretation of "Joker":
"In fact, each of us lives in a "clown", the "devil" who may come out to do evil at any time without the slightest guilt. From a psychological point of view, this Part of the personality is called our shadow personality part, and whether we can live real and powerful depends on the degree of reconciliation with the inner "shadow personality part"."
Obviously, this show lacks the shadow personality part of several protagonists. Deep thinking and exploration.
Imagine, why Chen Ting can be so headstrong?
Why does she need to be a demon or hysterical every time to achieve her goal?
From the perspective of family counseling, all personality characteristics are presented in the relationship, not a fixed mask. For example, a hysterical partner may be a good employee with due diligence at work, and a well-behaved child may have dark energy hidden in his heart like Zhu Chaoyang... Then which one is the real ta?
is actually both. Because our personality traits actually have both an angelic part and a devil part, we decide which part to release depends on our definition and value of a relationship.
is like some of the rebellious children who participated in the consultation here but showed a very creative side. They can do their best to complete the homework I assigned to them, and they often surprise me. Parents also found it incredible at first, and thought the children were actually acting. However, I often ask these parents a question, "Why are children willing to perform in front of me? Why don't they bother to act in front of you?"
These parents are often speechless. In fact, the fundamental reason is that these children have received trust and appreciation from my side, and such feedback is based on a relatively objective and neutral evaluation, which they can accept. They also hope to make progress, but they are unable to find a way. I point out their problems without mercy, but also give them confidence, tell them the ways and methods to change, and know what they have achieved.Progress can be positive feedback in time. Seeing hope, why don't they perform better?
These are the two sentences I often say:
"In the relationship, how others treat you is actually your permission."
"What kind of person do you want the other person to be, then you first ask yourself whether you believe the other person is true Can do it."
So, back to Chen Ting’s question, in fact, the reason why she became a "giant baby" with a broken jar is precisely because the people around her are constantly projecting such an image on her. .
Dad Ling is indeed not a good husband and a good father. He devoted himself to work, in fact, avoiding family problems and conflicts that need to be confronted directly. After the death of the child, he chose to ignore the family members by avoiding Trauma has elements of ignorance and weakness of character.
Although Ling Xiao took care of his mother, his face was full of grievances, and he was full of "victim emotions". In the face of his mother's unreasonable troubles, he responded more with cold and violence. Chen Ting needed to intensify to see his reaction. In fact, Ling Xiao had a lot of "hidden attacks" on him, even by self-destructing Achievement, these are the parts that this drama did not discuss positively.
As for Li Jianjian, at least in front of Chen Ting, she is always depressed and seems to please, but in fact the inner distance is still very obvious. And the more she tolerated, the more she could win Ling Xiao's protection and distress. This was indeed the place Chen Ting could not stand. She might wish that the other party could quarrel with herself happily instead of occupying the moral high ground.
I say this, not to rectify Chen Ting's name. From an emotional point of view, I also don't like her "giant baby" personality. However, from a professional point of view, I can understand her, because her presentation in these relationships is really not something she can accomplish alone. She can really attract the attention of others only through hysteria, and she is completely used to this way. This is her most hated place, but also the most pitiful place.
is compassionate because of understanding. We have a deeper understanding of human nature, not to be unprincipled, bad people, but to escape the game of projecting identification, to clarify our boundaries, and to bid farewell to the victim's drama, because all external relationships are projections from our hearts. We Only by completing inner reconciliation and living out a real sense of strength, can we live a truly free life and be comfortable in every relationship and enjoy the present.
Wish you also have this wisdom and luck!
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