There are many topics about native families. The TV series "Thirteen Dogs", "Ode to Joy", "All Very Good" and so on, can all see the shadow of native families. The influence of a native family on a person is long and profound.
Psychological research proves that: a person’s childhood experience, especially the original family, plays a decisive role in personal character, behavior, and psychology, and will have a long-term and far-reaching impact, and even determine the happiness of a lifetime.
Everyone who is unhappy in life seems to be able to find the influence of his or her original family. So, is there really no way to reduce the trauma from the native family as much as possible?
Zhou Xiaokuan's answer is: Yes!
Zhou Xiaokuan, well-known psychologist, emotional management and anxiety relief expert. She is hailed by the psychologist Hu Shenzhi as "a psychological counselor who can lead visitors through the darkest and painful stages of life, and through cognition of the truth of life, to the light."
Her "Out of the Black Box of Self-Awareness" is also a book about the influence of native families. The difference is that in this book, she talks about the native family, just to understand and see.
We straighten out the mess so that we can better face the future of life; to minimize the invisible influence of the original family, can we really live our own life.
01 Not being loved is not good enough.
The TV series "Everything is Good" tells the story of the three brothers and sisters of the Su family. Because the mother prefers sons over daughters, the two older brothers almost take up all the resources of the family. The youngest daughter Mingyu was not only eating and drinking when she was young I can’t compare with my brothers, and I have to do all kinds of housework. My mother severely compressed Mingyu’s educational resources in order to save money. The damage brought to Mingyu by
's native family deeply affects her future life. As an adult, Su Mingyu was clearly an executive of the company and had a prosperous life. Because she was “not loved” since she was a child, she was not happy at all. She lived alone in a big empty house without real life. Friends cannot accept the love of others.
alienated the family while hoping to be recognized by the family. In this contradiction and pain from time to time.
The defensive instinct of human nature is to let yourself stay in a familiar feeling, so that when the inevitable bad feeling comes, you will feel more receptive. People are afraid of feeling out of control, so many people unconsciously control their lives.
There are two ways to understand the world, one is to understand it in the way of others, such as parents, family, and the environment; the other is to understand it in your own way.
Since birth, we have been receiving the influence of our parents and the people around us. Our self-recognition also comes from our parents, family and people around us.
Many times, what we think of as self-knowledge is actually the self-knowledge given to us by others, not our own.
Maybe in the original family, we have the perception that "not being loved", is it true that we can't get love because we are not good enough? no.
Su Mingyu is not loved, just because her mother is unhappy. Her mother was originally a capable person, and she should have a happy marriage, but for the family, her grandmother sacrificed her love.
Her mother was unable to face her own life's failures, unhappiness, and inner conflicts, so the neglected daughter who was unable to resist, became the object of her mother to vent her inner conflicts.
Mom can't make her daughter comfortable, because grandma has not raised her in a way that makes her mother comfortable, and her mother has not learned the feeling of happiness and comfort.
Their lives bear the lives of others, and they also hope that Su Mingyu will also bear hers.
So Mingyu Su does not have to expect to be perfect to get love. We should not and cannot afford the lives of others, this other person, including our parents.
The original family cannot be changed, the trauma cannot be changed, and those painful experiences cannot be changed, but we can change our own vision, to accommodate, understand, accept and let go.
There is a saying in psychology called "seeing is healing". Seeing yourself at this moment can not only break the old cognition, but also expand the width of one's view of the world.
Sometimes happy, sad sometimes, down sometimes, proud sometimes. this is life. Dark night and day coexist, pain is sometimes greater than happiness, but I also want to see it.
02 You don’t have to go to please the world
On the evening of April 1, 2003, Leslie Cheung fell from the Oriental Mandarin Hotel in Hong Kong due to depression and died. This sudden news can be said to have shocked the entire Chinese society.
Success in career Leslie Cheung, who is full of love and love, what kind of despair did he jump down at that time? People cannot accept this fact.
However, looking back on his life, we can still find that the trauma brought by his childhood experience also affected him at the most glorious moment of his life.
Leslie Cheung was born in a big family of ten children. He is the youngest and the lonely youngest.
His mother was an aggrieved main house, and spent her life in an unfortunate marriage. The relationship between husband and wife, coupled with the busy work, has become a burden to the children waiting to be fed, let alone motherly love. His mother was as polite as a stranger when he was an adult.
and their parents live separately from their children. His father rarely goes home all year round except on holidays. He has little communication with his father.
's indifferent family affection cast a shadow over the psychology of young Leslie Cheung. After he became famous, he once recalled: “When I was young, I didn’t live with my parents. I felt sad and unhappy. I still feel like a thorn in my heart.”
He even thought it was a good thing for a child to be beaten by his mother, because He didn't even have a chance to be beaten.
From a psychological point of view, a person’s core self-cognition comes from the earliest mother-infant relationship.
In the relationship established between the child and the mother when he was young, the child did not confirm from the mother that he was loved and good enough, so this lack and uncertainty about himself would spread to this person In life, it spread to all his relationships.
What he needs is not only recognition and affirmation, but also the recognition and affirmation of everyone. There is no room for difference, so he pursues perfection in everything. People in the
circle know that Leslie Cheung is a person who pursues too much perfection. He plays a paranoid murderer Rick in the movie "Tall Gun". This is a mental patient. The confusion and helplessness shown in the film makes people almost suspect that he is really sick. In fact, at this time It is two years before he suffers from depression.
Leslie Cheung admitted in his autobiography that the cause of depression is dissatisfaction with himself, dissatisfaction with others, and even more dissatisfaction with the world. The world of
is imperfect, no relationship is perfect, and no one fully meets expectations.
so you don't need to prove yourself to others. "Not being loved" from an early age is just because parents have not given the ability to love and affirm. Not being loved is not because it is not good enough. Even if it is good enough, people who do not have the ability to "love" still cannot give true love.
The value of a person is not reflected in something, but in this existence.
For ordinary us, from now on, learn to affirm ourselves in our hearts and exercise this ability. Treat yourself tolerantly. Your value does not depend on the evaluation of others, let alone prove yourself to others. Go and establish your own rules, don’t be kidnapped by anyone’s rules.
After all, no matter when, a person’s existence is the greatest value.
Sometimes, we cannot prevent others from hurting ourselves, but we should not be a conspiracy for others to hurt ourselves.
You can change yourself, but don't attack yourself.
03 Get along with your inner self
Most people who are in a state of pain or anger are due to a conflict in their hearts, and they cannot integrate this conflict.
Then, this kind of internal disharmony and disunity will definitely extend to his external world, presenting it in a way of provoking, attacking, complaining or conflicting with others.
meansWhen a person’s inner world is not harmonious, his outer world will also be full of disharmonious people, things, and things.
If there happens to be someone around you who is often irritated, you can think of him like this: Maybe it's because he has a lot of conflicts in his heart that can't balance the accumulated anger, which spreads out unconsciously to the surroundings. Is it easy to accept
like this?
In other words, many times, the outside world causes you to be unhappy, just because deep down, you are unhappy with yourself.
In fact, conflicts in life are always constant, and there is no life without conflict and complete harmony. The relationship in
life is always full of a lot of projections. Emotions that you can't digest will be thrown at others through various attacks and accusations. This is what many people do every day. How can
protect yourself from harm? Only by drawing a clear line, accepting yourself and others more, let the inner conflict weaken the energy, make yourself more comfortable, and make others more comfortable. If you are not an enemy of yourself, you will not be an enemy of the world.
accepts his true appearance, which may not be good enough, or even bad, but true. This feeling of acceptance brings great comfort and security.
Everyone loves things and good results, but this is not all of love. When I am not good, can't do it, don't want to do it, or it's bad, you still like, accept, understand, and never leave. This is called "love."
Actually, everyone has a child in his heart. Take good care of your inner child. Don't treat it as a "bad child". This is to love yourself.
When you fail to meet your expectations, feel bad, or feel depressed, you still don't attack yourself, don't punish yourself, and don't leave yourself. This is to love yourself.
When you feel fatigued, difficult, and difficult to conserve, if there is no other person to help you, then you need to do something to love yourself, pay attention to yourself, and comfort yourself. This is a way to replenish yourself with energy.
The problems of the original family are similar, and the damage caused by the original family is similar. From birth, everyone will have needs that have not been met or met, so everyone may have an injured child in their heart, looking forward to being "seen" and "healed."
However, expectation is not enough. This will change only if you choose to see clearly.
Teacher Zhou Xiaokuan’s words are like keys, which can open the dusty cognitive darkness, subvert your self-cognition, no longer live in the cognition of others, and no longer be kidnapped by outside evaluation standards. To be an adult,
is more to make a choice: choose to build a new cognition of your own. As the psychologist Hu Shenzhi said: Opening this book is your choice for growth.
Dear, there is no one else here, only you. See yourself, know yourself, and reconstruct yourself.
