"Mom, this is all for your good"! "Can mom still harm you"? Is this kind of discourse familiar to everyone? I heard this recently, and my ears are almost becoming callous. Song Qian, the mother of Qiao Yingzi in the recently hit TV series "Little Huanxi", contributed to the classic golden sentence with the most "Chinese parents" characteristics.
I am always "good for you", why do you "do not appreciate"?
"Xiao Huanxi" takes family education and parent-child relationship as the theme, tells the story of several senior three candidates' families such as Fang family, Ji family and Qiao family in the third year of high school. The college entrance examination is a major event in a child’s life. Parents naturally try their best to provide “backup support” for their children, especially Song Qian, who is a “single mother”, regards her daughter Qiao Yingzi as “everything for herself” for her daughter Qiao Yingzi was admitted to the "Tsing (Hua) North (University)", even more "broken."
In the TV series "Little Joy", Song Qian was originally a gold medal physics teacher in the district's key Chunfeng Middle School. Because her daughter Qiao Yingzi was about to take the college entrance examination, she resigned decisively and became a tutoring teacher, just for flexibility. Working hours gave her more energy to take care of her daughter's study life.
Children in the third year of high school have heavy learning tasks. Only when they are healthy can they devote themselves to learning. In order to ensure that her daughter's three meals a day are nutritious and healthy, Song Qian formulated a strict diet for Yingzi. She wakes up early every morning to prepare a hearty breakfast, cooks various medicinal foods such as Anshen Bu Nao Decoction to condition Yingzi's body. Hearing that sea cucumbers have high nutritional value, she forced her daughter to get up early in the morning to swallow sea cucumbers raw; she was reluctant to take a sip of the bird's nest that had been boiled for hours.
However, Yingzi's favorite breakfast is fried dough soy milk, he likes to have hot pot with his father, and he likes to eat all kinds of snacks called "junk food" by his mother Song Qian. The "most nutritious" sea cucumber was vomited by Yingzi, and the bird's nest that was "reluctant to drink" became something "snot-like" in Yingzi's eyes. If Xiaomeng (daddy's girlfriend, mother's rival) did not drink it, she would Will be dumped.
In order to create a good learning environment for her daughter Qiao Yingzi in the third year of high school, Song Qian installed a new soundproof wall in her home. The soundproof capacity can reach four or fifty decibels, so that Yingzi's learning environment is not disturbed; it looks like the transparent glass window of a bank counter. , With the roller blind, it can be pulled up and put down at any time, her daughter's every move is under her control.
She set up a schedule for Qiao Yingzi from the beginning of the third year of high school to the college entrance examination, accurate to every minute of every day; she also took the initiative to ask for Qiao Yingzi’s dynamic graphs of various subjects from the school to check for omissions, and Qiao Yingzi’s language fluctuates by 9 points. It made her nervous; Qiao Yingzi needed to do practice questions repeatedly in her senior year, and Song Qian participated in the whole process from test paper selection to troubleshooting.
Qiao Yingzi, who grew up in a single-parent family, almost became a "learning machine" under the arrangement of her mother, without even basic personal privacy. This series of behaviors, let alone Yingzi, the audience also felt the suffocation. But Song Qian was immersed in these sophisticated deployment and self-sacrifice, because these are "for your good."
However, Yingzi cried to his father, Qiao Weidong, that he was like being in a "prison" every day, "pretending to be sick" many times and skipping classes to the "space base" arranged by her father. Yingzi and her friend Fang Yifan complained that their mother was "thief dictatorship" and that their relationship with her mother was a "plastic sister flower". Even when they were anxious, they said Aunt Xiaomeng was "a hundred times stronger" than her mother.
I know that you are "good to me", but such "good", I really "do not need"
At the beginning of this year, HSBC released a survey report on global education expenditure, Chinese parents except for "education expenditure" Having crushed the world, the report also shows that 82% of parents are ready to make sacrifices for the success of their children, and more than one-third of Chinese parents have completely lost their personal time. But even so, more than 70% of Chinese parents still worry that they have not done their best for their children. However, the dedication and sacrifice of the parents did not bring about a good life, but caused many difficulties in the parent-child relationship.
Caring can be meticulous but not pervasive. Many parents believe that their love for their children is the most selfless. The parents’ starting point is naturally good, but it hurts invisiblyUp the child. For example, Song Qian in "Xiao Huanxi", her meticulous care for Yingzi, but forced Yingzi to mental breakdown and suffering from moderate depression. If parents always "kidnap" their children in the name of "for your good", the end result is often that the parents who love their children the most become the children's greatest enemy, even more indifferent than strangers. Just like Song Qian said to the doctor, "My daughter (Yingzi) was sentenced to me, but her relationship with her father is better".
Yingzi is extremely passionate about astronomy. When Song Qian hoped that she could be admitted to Tsinghua University and Peking University, she yearned for the charming Nanjing University even more. There was the Department of Astronomy that she had been looking forward to, but this idea was opposed by Song Qian. Unauthorized modification of Yingzi's winter camp volunteers became the last straw to crush Yingzi, and Yingzi who was forced to breathe eventually broke out. Chased by Qiao Weidong and Song Qian, they even climbed onto the railing of the bridge, and they refused to get down no matter how they shouted.
Song Qian has taken care of everything for her daughter. She often says "You are everything for your mother"! This kind of love full of strong desire to control gradually made Yingzi feel suffocated and breathless. When Yingzi yelled "I just want to run away from you", across the screen, I could feel the depression on my face.
Song Qian puts her children's academic performance first in her life, and truly makes selfless dedication to her children. However, too many kidnappings of "you are everything to mother" eventually made the mother-daughter relationship out of balance. The mother's love became a cage that imprisoned her. She couldn't live for herself. She lost herself and felt that she lost her life. The meaning of going down.
educator Makarenko said a classic saying: "Everything is for the child, sacrifice everything, and even sacrifice one's own happiness. This is the most terrible gift a parent gives to a child." There is a kind of parent (mother or father) at
. They do give everything they can to treat you well, but many times their "sacrifice" and "help" may not be what you want. When Song Qian confided in her grievances and said "I am all for your good" again, Yingzi cried out: I know you are "good to me", but such "good", I really "not need".
The child who was "kidnapped" in the name of love is really sad
"I am doing this for you" "I do this for you"... These "righteous words" in my ears have been taken from the childhood of many people It has begun, accompanied by their choices at every important moment in their lives, from enrolling in interest classes to entering school, from choosing a career to getting married and having children. "I am doing well for you", this sentence carries the hard work and selfless dedication of the parents. Many parents work hard every day in order to give their children the best material protection. They would rather wrong themselves, but also let their children eat, wear, and use the best food, at least as long as their own financial conditions allow, do what they can the best. Around us, such examples abound.
However, many parents say "good for you", and the subtext is actually "listen to me". Scolding you is for your good, so that you can grow quickly; forcing you to take vacation tuition for your own good, and start school will be among the best; once you refute, you will get a moral and conscientious condemnation:
"I am your mother and will harm you Is it?"
"Raising you so old, am I easy?"
"Parents have no other requirements, as long as you are good."
In psychology, there is a behavior called non-love behavior. It is to exercise compulsory control in the name of love and let others do it according to their own wishes. In the name of love, they deprived the child of the right to choose and judge.
Many parents regard their children as their "private property" and are used to making decisions for their children and designing their lives in the name of "I am for your good." Many parents are very confident and feel that they know their children very well, but in many cases this confidence is actually an illusion. Strict control of everything about a child does not allow parents to truly understand him, just as a child does not agree with his parents' views if he obeys his parents' wishes. blindly imposes what he thinks is "good" on the children, ignoring the children's own wishes and choices. If children do not obey their instructions and wishes, they will be labeled as "disobedient".
Some parents think that children still need to rely on adultsHe does not have the ability to live independently, so he neglects his inner ability and existing nature, and uses "you still don't understand" to prevaricate at will for the child's curiosity and exploration behavior. As everyone knows, this will not only destroy the child's enthusiasm for learning, but also make him hurt because of being neglected.
In addition, a role that children often assume is to fulfill unfulfilled wishes for their parents. For example, when a mother was interested in painting when she was a child, but was unable to develop this hobby due to financial pressure, the child is likely to be Becoming the "heir" of the hobby, whether he is interested in himself or not, his mother will force him to "love" the hobby of painting, and the child will not experience the slightest happiness in the process.
Parents are always worried that their children can’t solve their difficulties and hope that they can behave according to their own wishes. Therefore, they always ask their children with "I am for your good", but they don't know that this sentence is already listed as "destroying the baby "The top spot makes countless children feel puzzled and very sad. When parents feel that they can no longer control their children and their children will refute their parents' opinions, they will also launch the "I am all for your good" strategy, using traditional "filial piety" to oppress the children and urge them to obey. At this time, "for your good" is actually just "for my own good".
Many parents use their own life experience to "frame" the vigorous lives of their children as "comers". When they are used to asking their children in this way, they sometimes forget their original intentions and can't tell whether they are to fulfill their children or to satisfy themselves; they can't tell whether their behavior is caring or controlling. The impact of these practices on children is also huge. Many children cannot feel love, but rather complain, and then appear all kinds of "rebellious"; some children lack independent thinking and autonomy, and will never "grow up"; other children will collapse after being mentally full, leading to Suicide, murder and other tragedies. No matter what kind of result, it is a kind of misfortune.
To be really good for children is to make children happy, let them grow up healthy, shape the correct three views, follow and stick to their wishes. Parents must educate their children to be a responsible person, and must not train him into a puppet with no opinion. Too strong love is not love, but spiritual damage. Parents' control over their children cannot be called love.
doing harm in the name of love is the greatest malice of mankind. In contrast, the respectful care of parents, the helping hand when the child encounters setbacks, the understanding of the child’s distress and confusion, and the discovery and encouragement of his true hobbies are the keys to making him happy. The real "good for you" is to let your children be themselves!
Knowing to let go in time is the most advanced love for children!
Everyone’s life is independent. Parents bring their children into this world to let them know the world, integrate into the world, and enjoy the beauty of the world, instead of imposing their wishes on the children as accessories. , Let them go the way their parents walked. The parent-child relationship under 's desire for control is a long disaster for both parties. Only by knowing how to let go can a child become himself.
In the play "Little Joy", Fangyuan said, "Children’s life is theirs. They should take a detour. The south wall they should hit will have to hit each other. We also stumbled all the way. Come here, no one can replace."
Yin Jianli said in the book "The Most Beautiful Education and Easiest":
"The first task of parents is to be intimate with their children and to care for their growth; the second task is to separate from their children and promote their independence. If the order is reversed It’s doing something anti-natural, which not only makes the child’s childhood barren, but also suffocates the child’s adult life. The deepest fate in life only becomes true when it drifts away. "
They are older than their children, have experienced a lot, and have a lot of life experience. They feel that if children listen to themselves, they will be free from many difficulties and setbacks. Therefore, "I am doing well for you" has become their mantra and almighty saying. However, life is not about copying and pasting. The path taken by parents is not necessarily suitable for children. They are born as independent individuals, and children are not "attachments" of their parents. Parents should not always put on an authoritative appearance, but talk from the perspective of the child. Will kidTreat the child as an independent and equal person, and you will also gain the understanding and respect from the heart of the child.
We need to remind ourselves from time to time: We love children precisely because they are independent people, not an item that can be controlled. Knowing how to let go in time is the highest level of love.
