The best gift you can give your child is to let him go his own way entirely on his own feet.
- Sister Sa
Author: Heartwarming
The recent suspense drama "Gone Child" has become a hot topic in parent-child education.
The story takes place on a winter morning.
Father Yang Yuan was ready to send his son to school and was waiting downstairs in the unit.
never thought, but his son Yang Mo disappeared in the corridor.
The parents knocked on all the neighbors' doors, but couldn't find their son, and the whole family was in a panic.
In desperation, they called the police.
Just like this, the investigation with Yang Mo's disappearance as the main line involved three children who were "destroyed" by the original family.
The picture comes from the stills of "Gone Child"
is a bear child who is overwhelmed by chicken education;
is a good child who is "abandoned" by his parents and keeps looking for love; Destroyed” Ma Bao Nan. The three children,
, end up with different degrees of problems due to different education.
01
"anxious" parents overwhelm their children
Boy Yang Mo is a mischievous child, his grades are in a mess, he is in the third grade of elementary school, and he is still far behind other classmates.
Parents are anxious.
Dad always thinks:
Why other people's children can be so sensible, if Xiao Mo is half as sensible as others, it is really thankful.
The picture comes from the stills of "The Disappearing Child"
The mother is worried about her son's grades, not only enrolls him in a lot of remedial classes, but also fills up his spare time.
The first thing she says to her son every day when she gets home is "go to study".
Because of Yang Mo's ADHD, his father bought him a dog to relieve his stress, and his mother roared without thinking:
Too much delay in studying, do you know that you can't study hard?
High-frequency pressure and parents' "achievement theory" disintegrated Yang Mo's happy life little by little.
originally promised Yang Mo that the family would go on a summer vacation, but finally filled his summer vacation with various cram schools and interest classes;
's mother knew that Yang Mo likes dogs, but she gave them away regardless of his wishes.
The picture comes from the stills of "The Disappearing Child"
Seemingly selfless parents, but under the guise of "for your own good" doing things against their children's wishes.
On the one hand, Yang Mo had to accept the control of his parents, study hard, and go to remedial classes; on the other hand, he was resistant to what his parents did and wanted to escape.
One day, Yang Mo met Yuan Wu for the first time in a fish shop and said to him:
Do you think the fish tank is too small for them?
This fish tank is just like my mother, she has everything to control me and doesn't give me any freedom.
is saying that his mother is too strict with him.
So when the neighbor's sister planned a "disappearance" scene for him, he followed without hesitation. The parents,
, have implanted the "achievement theory" into their education from beginning to end, constantly putting pressure on their children.
once watchedA survey: Parental expectations and child stress.
One of the things that puts the most pressure on children is the parents' "must be excellent".
has survey data and found that:
children's psychological pressure mainly comes from their parents' expectations. The higher the parents' expectations, the greater the pressure on the children.
If parents put pressure on their children endlessly and ignore their hearts, on the surface, the child seems to be nothing, but it is actually slowly swallowing him.
In " Sky City ", a schoolboy boy "revenge" his mother before the college entrance examination. He said:
I have been studying endlessly since I was 7 years old. When I go home, I can't be the first to eat, and if my grades drop, I'll die.
He was overwhelmed by the pressure from his mother, and he felt resentment towards his mother. Because he didn't want his mother's wish to come true, he gave up the college entrance examination, played games every day, slept at home, and lived a decadent life.
The biggest failure of education is to turn love into a child's resentment.
Every child is a gift from their parents, and the life we help children achieve is never measured by grades.
Someone once said: If
is healthy, happy, and does not go against their will, and let their children be ordinary people with value, warmth, and fun, it is the greatest success for parents.
education, the most afraid of anxiety disturbing the order, read the child's mind, in order to see his light.
02
"neglective" parents make their children seriously lack love
The girl Wynn, in the eyes of outsiders, is well-behaved and sensible, but in fact she is the poorest of the children.
She had a terrible childhood.
Because the relationship between husband and wife is not smooth, her mother doesn't even like her, and often beats her for no reason.
In the original book "Sea Anemone", there is a scene describing Wynn:
A three-year-old girl is sitting in the kitchen, her head is tilted on the stove, her mouth is open, like a fish on a cutting board, passing neighbors see , immediately slapped the window to remind the child's mother that the mother with tears on her face ran out of the bedroom and sent the child to the hospital, where the child saved his life.
Her parents treat her as a burden, and they don't want her even after divorce.
Later, she was sentenced to her father.
But her father never cared about her, never went to her parent-teacher meeting, and sometimes didn't even have a chance to speak to her all day long. She often did her homework while waiting for her father to come back at the door.
The Yang Yuan family who lives upstairs often take her to their home to care for her because of their sympathy for Wynn.
At Yang Yuan's house, she felt the warmth that she had not seen for a long time.
The picture comes from the stills of "The Disappearing Child"
When she frequented Yang Mo's house, she was warm and nourished by the family and began to long for Yang Mo's parents to love her.
She is jealous that Yang Mo has such a happy family.
She believes that Yang Yuan's parents are very warm, and they must be perfect with a child like her.
In addition, Yang Mo has complained to her parents more than once, which makes Wynn have the evil idea of "let Yang Mo disappear".
The picture comes from the stills of "Gone Child"
So she planned a "disappearance" conspiracy for Yang Mo.
Are you saying she's bad? She just lacks love.
grew up in a family where her father didn't care for her mother and didn't love her. She wanted love, but she didn't understand love. The "darkness" in her heart was just because she wanted others to love her.
Clinical Psychologist JonisWeber proposes a concept - " childhood emotional neglect", which refers to the trauma caused by parents' failure to give children adequate emotional responses.
A child who is "unloved" is equivalent to being treated coldly and violently for a long time, and will eventually cause "problems" to the child.
A neglected child will eventually have two outcomes:
First, feels that he is not worthy of love, so he will not hold back when he meets someone who cares a little about him outside, even leading to extreme psychological changes, just like Wynn The same;
Second, turned off the emotional switch, unable to mobilize his own emotions, and unable to perceive the emotions of others, not loving others, and resisting the love of others. The most desperate emotion
gives children is "I am by your side, but you turn a blind eye".
Well-known psychology writer Wu Zhihong once said:
in the parent-child relationship, the response is like a ray of light that illuminates the child's world, making the child feel loved, understood, and seen.
Children's feelings are very pure:
For every kindness of parents to their children, the children show all their generosity;
Every time parents neglect their children, the children will despair one more time.
Don't despise children's emotions, use love to establish a close connection between children and parents, and "focus and accompany" children to find a sense of security.
03
"suffocating" parents, raising low-energy children
Yuan Wu in the play is a top student, with a score of 695 in the college entrance examination, and went to a famous university.
But when he entered university, the halo of being a scholar did not favor him.
He doesn't know how to socialize, and is laughed at as a "fool";
He has no self-care ability, and has to rely on his mother for everything;
Even how to speak, his mother will help him rehearse in advance, whose personality characteristics, how to speak, Who should you be close to, who should you stay away from...
The picture comes from the stills of "The Disappearing Child"
Why did Xueba become like this?
because he has a mother who "loves" himself too much.
Growing up, his mother has paved all his paths, he just needs to be obedient and follow suit.
's mother thinks that apart from studying, everything else becomes meaningless, so Yuan Wu does nothing but study;
's mother thinks that making friends is a waste of time, so he obediently cuts off all social relations.
Mom helped him choose schools and majors, and helped him sort out the relationship between teachers and classmates. He was like a marionette, following his mother's instructions.
In his studies, Yuan Wu has never let his mother down. He has always lived in the halo of a scholar and has been praised by everyone.
However, God's favor for him disappeared at the moment of his mother's sudden death.
doesn't know how to socialize, so his job is dismissed, his survivability is in a mess, and he chooses to gamble to escape reality.
did not expect that gambling would make him owe a huge debt. Not only did he force his wife away, but he also asked his father to sell two houses to pay off the debt for him.
At this time, he has not woken up, and continues to rely on his father to live.
Later, his father died suddenly due to alcoholism, but he hid his father's body and continued to live on his father's pension.
Why does the halo of Xueba make him disappear in the end?
Because his mother only cultivated his single learning ability, cut off the ability other than learning, so how can he cope in a complex society?
American writer Cyd Hill in ScarcityThere is a word mentioned in "too broadband":
refers to a person's mental capacity, if a person pays too much attention to something, it will occupy the vast majority of his mental bandwidth, so that He lacks foresight and execution in other things.
Many parents' minds are occupied by "children must study hard", while ignoring the social skills and self-survival ability that children need.
And a child who grows up in this environment is often a "giant baby".
When I was a child, everything was arranged by my parents, and I didn't have to think about anything except studying; when I grew up, I couldn't do anything except study.
Dancer Duncan said: " The best favor you can give a child is to let him walk his own way completely on his own feet."
Every child is not only an ability to get good grades, but also needs a The ability to get along with the world and grow oneself.
With these, it is the stepping stone for children's success.
04
" Xiaohuanxi " said:
children's lives are theirs, we can't replace them, they have to take a detour, and they have to hit the south wall one by one.
As a parent, you can't score 100 points, because you have to give him room to grow; but it can't be lower than 60 points, because you have to continue to love him.
Parents: Just lend a helping hand when the child needs us, and we can exit gracefully when the child doesn't need us.
pay more attention to the child's heart, don't use the "blind" mentality to control his life;
let the child grow up, don't neglect to love him, don't let him live in "unworthy" inferiority;
give the child less planning , let him learn to use his hands to explore and grow.
Education is: let the child do what he wants to do, not what we want to do, let him find his own way.
