This article was published in the 29th issue of Sanlian Life Weekly in 2019, with the original title "Controlling Power, the Battle of Women's Proudness"
Natural selection created a unique human middle-aged person, not to write a tragedy, but a new stage Start. However, because of life shifts, it is full of turbulence and variables. Only by taking control of your own life can you break through the crisis and enjoy the scenery from a height. The author of
/Yang Lu
(photo courtesy of Visual China)
The mid-life crisis comes from life shift
Wang Xiao himself looks more compact and vigorous than the photo. She wears a tight camisole and tight jeans. Not only is there no fat, but the muscles are also beautiful, which is obviously the result of deliberate practice and long-term control. Such meticulously carved muscles often appear on the body of professional fitness coaches, but Wang Xiao is a company founder and has published a best-selling book. A few years ago, she started to organize the "100 Days with Xiaosha Sister Body Shape" activity and vest line Contest. Maybe it’s her kind of cross-border but she has a good figure, which makes people feel that a good figure is not something that can’t be achieved. From a fat girl in her 20s to a "second child" mother in her early 40s, people follow her every day training.
Wang Xiao is 40 years old this year. Her status on Weibo was meeting with a smile on her face, studying abroad, posing with a girl in her 20s in a bikini, not losing her figure, and having family time with her husband and daughter. Each one is beautiful and full of power. Wang Xiao said: "People are in trouble when they have no energy. They can’t stand straight, don’t have self-confidence, they don’t feel able to stand up, and things can’t be done. You see, works depicting midlife crisis often start from losing control of the body. My 40-year-old doesn’t start here. Cut it in, I am not swollen, and I can wear all the clothes. I am happily and still energetic.” The description of the 40-year-old on
social media is not always such a beautiful picture. Take a look at the content that has been widely reposted because of being too hard-hearted. The marriage problem is "a husband and wife during the day, and a neighbor at night", the child problem is "a middle-aged person who drives crazy, let her accompany the child to do homework", work problems It is "record of middle-aged female being resigned". Even at the age of 35, he was already a "mid-aged workplace crisis, a predicament in the second half of life." In addition to these common dilemmas, health is a red light and parents often get sick are worse. Comparing the two
, Wang Xiao's Weibo showed the state like Disneyland in a mid-life crisis. She has 2.63 million followers on Weibo and is regarded as an inspirational idol by many women. At the same time, some people think that this is a kind of personality realization that is popular nowadays. She created a brand called "Early Time", selling efficiency manuals, fitness derivatives, etc., all pointing to the growth and inspiration of women. These two kinds of "public opinions" about middle-aged people make me sincerely curious. Is my life a few years later a superposition of the bad stories in the public account, and the vitality can only be a digital mirage?
What does middle-aged life look like? David Bainbridge, a clinical veterinary anatomist at the University of Cambridge and a researcher in the arts and humanities at St. Catherine's College, does not see middle age as pessimistic. He wrote a book called "The Meaning of Middle Age". The central idea is that middle age is not a new discovery of civilization in recent decades, but a perfect gift evolved over millions of years. He defined middle age at the end of the reproductive period and before the arrival of obvious aging, and the corresponding age is approximately 40 to 60 years old. From the perspective of evolutionary biology, women can live a long time after and after the end of the reproductive period. Although the reproductive period of men is very long, they often live with their partners at the end of the reproductive period. This is a form of autonomous sterilization. This middle-aged state is unique to humans. Natural selection shapes this stage, pushing middle-aged people to the pinnacle of life and giving them an irreplaceable important position.
vividly speaking, life is like a parabola. Middle-aged people between 40 and 60 years old are the top part of the parabola. This is the first time in life when an uphill and a downhill coexist. In a physiological sense, the "clock of life" is tick-tick forward, and the brain is at the peak of cognition. At the same time, the "death clock" started to start, gradually seeing the signs of aging. Also because the "life clock" and the "death clock" are running at the same time, the physiological and social roles of middle-aged people have changed, allowing middle-aged people to start a new phase: middle-aged people have changed from being a fertility and nurturing provider to a "human tribe". Resources and cultural preservation. The achievement of life has changed from the hope of youth to a practical and unavoidable reality. Fertility gradually declines, and sex has a new meaning. Perceived time essence, meaningRighteousness, value and urgency are all changing. Middle age is also the time when humans differ most from each other.
is like adolescence, middle age is also a turbulent stage. The individual's body, mind, and self will undergo a comprehensive reassessment, and relationships, roles, desires and directions are also worth thinking about. The so-called "middle-age crisis" is a wave of life changes that get people caught off guard. So was it hit and sunk on the spot? There are always people riding the wind and waves.
Controls the beauty of the body
Wang Xiao attended the Broadcasting and Hosting major of Beijing Broadcasting Institute. Its threshold is the face and voice after screening. In addition to these innate conditions, one of the four years of college training is to be very sensitive to yourself in the mirror. "You have to know which side of your face looks good. Know whether your face is wide or not, and you need to shadow or go to the beauty salon. How to adjust the eyeliner and whether to extend the distance between the eyebrows. You have to know which angle and what expression is on the face I look good when I look at the camera and the camera, and I think about how far it can be controlled." A professionally trained appearance like
still has to face the crisis of time. Wang Xiao said that Milan Kundera’s novel "Joke", there was a beauty in it. After she reached middle age, she suddenly found that men walking on the beach no longer looked at her. This is something that has never happened in the past years. . "I saw this paragraph, the whole back was cold, that day was the arrival of aging. I don’t know how much fear there will be on that day. Who am I, where I am going, how do I go, these few things In the matter, appearance is involved. One day, appearance can’t participate in it. What should I do?”
’s attention to appearance is not superficial. Compared with the trivial matters of firewood, rice, oil and salt, the aging of skin and appearance is what every middle-aged person is. The inevitable, cruel and ruthless truth. The human race establishes their own "pecking order" for men and women from adolescence. People may climb up or fall down in these two social class systems. Among the factors that determine social advantages, beauty is far more important to women than men. When men reach middle age, they can enjoy the rise in social status brought about by increased power and status, but women feel that wrinkles pull them in the opposite direction. Bainbridge believes that animals at the bottom of the hierarchy will feel uncomfortable or have stress reactions, such as abnormal behaviors, counterproductive social interactions, and poor health. Women's panic in the face of middle-aged is just one of the manifestations. .
Wang Xiao, founder of the brand and best-selling author (photo by Huang Yu)
Wang Xiao, one of the ways to combat this panic, is to keep exercising and postpone the day of aging. "Middle-aged women must practice strength if they want to be young. The flesh is soft, and when it is soft, it will slack and sag downward. Strengthening the muscle fibers can thicken the flesh," Wang Xiao said. She was also a fat man. "My enlightenment is my dad. When I was a teenager, he used to eat and support. My dad discussed with me carefully, using his own hand, picking up a spoon, digging how much rice, putting it in his mouth, and when to stop it. Is it controllable? If you can't do this, nothing can be done." Wang Xiao said. She later controlled her food intake and lost 22 pounds at the age of 17, and kept it until she gave birth at the age of 34.
Fertility is the dividing line of women's life and affects the state of middle age. Wang Xiao said that childbearing means that the figure loses its shape instantly, and the priorities in life should also be broken and rearranged. "I took a magazine photo on the 12th day after giving birth. I didn’t see any changes in my face. I was all on tights. I tried hard, then put on my dress. Others think that you can still be like this after giving birth. It was so hard. I hired a professional coach and it took a whole year to get back to the state before giving birth." Wang Xiao said.
If you used to be slim as long as you struggled with gluttony and laziness and become a mother, this is not just a matter of willpower. It has become a systematic project, which has something to do with psychological conditions, time management, housework assignment, and self-knowledge. Wang Xiao had already opened a company at the time, and her daughter was still in her infant. She still made time to pursue beauty. "I am a very self-centered person. I have ranked first in my priorities for so many years. My fitness time and beauty time have not been cancelled. I have outsourced childcare and housework. I almost never leave my daughter. Anxiety means that if it takes too long to come back and find that she has grown up a little bit, or she has something I don’t know, I will be anxious. I quickly communicated with her and let me know about it. Anxiety would be fine. I synchronized. She is in a good mood and growing up, and she doesn’t have to worry about her diet and daily life.” Wang Xiao said.
Wang Xiao emphasizes being yourself. She has an autobiography called "Living a Life According to Your Will". She feels that if everyone agrees, everyone's troubles will eventually infect you. “When I started my business at the age of 30, I didn’t have a boyfriend. My parents never said, stop tossing about it. Hurry up and find a stable job and find someone to marry. My dad gave me a start-up fund of 500,000 yuan. In recent years, I Only then did I realize how important these experiences are to me. I am not bothered to live like others, nor do I have the will of the elders to overcome." Wang Xiao said. She changed several jobs after graduating from university, and didn't feel that she had almost found the main line of life development until she was 33 or 34. The birth of her daughter, the change of her own role, and even the quietly coming of her 40-year-old. The changes in these years are all based on her main line to allocate time, energy and priority.
Wang Xiao divides his time into beautiful time, fun time, flow time, money-making time and survival time. She loves beauty and can't bear to get fat, so she puts good time first. Then came the fun time, which Wang Xiao used to satisfy his curiosity. "You have to be young. The world is so big. You don't know what other people are doing. How can you not be curious. If a person feels that life is nothing more than that, and is not interested in understanding the outside world, it means that it is true. I'm old." Wang Xiao felt that the flow time was still very important to her life. She needed a time of indulge that she was brought into completely. "Especially after people reach middle age, time is cut by a lot of trivial matters. This kind of focused flow time is especially precious, it can make people temporarily stay away from the mediocrity and carry out a kind of soul life. Having flow time is everywhere Switch between time and a beautiful spiritual garden." Wang Xiao said. Earning money and survival time are placed behind the priority. "I didn't become a rich woman because I probably put this matter behind. Because I think making money is for good looks, fun, and time to flow. You can't put the cart before the horse." Wang Xiao said.
Middle age is a turbulent period, and the crisis comes from a kind of out of control. Wang Xiao said that he was a young man and his focus was on himself. After getting married and having children, my energy became more and more scattered. If you put yourself in the back row, your metabolism slows down at this time, and there are changes in various aspects, but you don't have time for your body and mind, you may be messed up. She has structured her life and time, and keeping her figure firm and vigorous is just a result of this life arrangement.
(Illustration Zhao Yang)
A sense of control to resist the middle-aged crisis
Fitness can inject vitality into middle-aged people, not only because the muscles delay the loss of youth, but also because as long as you stick to it strictly for a period of time, you will always see results. The turbulent middle age is easier to gain a sense of control behavior. A sense of control is very important for middle-aged people. Behaviouralists believe that the animal's happiness index can be measured by the animal's control over the environment, such as consciously avoiding pain and sleepiness, or looking for resources and a comfortable environment. Human happiness index also depends on the same thing. People who think they have control usually have higher accomplishments, are more active, have less anxiety, are more able to overcome adversity, and are healthier. Bainbridge believes that even "blindly" believing in one's own power is beneficial. Self-determination can drive the brain to secrete a large number of conductive substances, which promote positive emotions and physical health.
The middle-aged man stands at the top of the parabola of life, overlooking the young people who are clueless to climb upwards and the old people who are helpless. This is the most controllable stage in life, but it is also faced with multiple tasks at the same time: whether the career can be raised to the next level, how the child can stand out in the academic competition, how the husband and wife relationship can pass through the burnout, and how can parents enjoy their old age. Some feel that they can control fate, while others are helpless in the face of the chaos and fear the future. Whether the midlife crisis is a bad series or not depends on how people perceive their control, how they handle their relationship with their surroundings, and their previous reserves.
Miao Zhijian is a person who makes a life plan and then resolutely executes it. She just left the station as a postdoctoral fellow at Tsinghua University and bought a house in Haidian District. Her children were sent to a kindergarten in Beijing. Her husband also resigned from her hometown and found a job with a professional counterpart and room for development. She is about to be 40 years old. Speaking of recent developments, none of these changes are easy to achieve, and can be written as a popular article in the circle of friends. She is very thin, speaks gentle, and wears light makeup, which is related to the midlife crisisIt's not a relationship, but it's the stage of embracing a new chapter in life. Looking back at the path he came, Miao Zhijian said, I think the state of each node in life is the feedback accumulated in the previous life stage. In fact, there is no mutation at the age of 40, it is all decided at the age of 30.
Miao Zhijian was admitted to the Tsinghua University School of Architecture as a doctoral student when he was 30 years old. In fact, she and her husband studied their master's degrees in Beijing, but because they were undergraduates, they signed an agreement with their alma mater to return to work. If you pursue comfort and no pressure, this is not a bad way. Miao Zhijian returned to his hometown in Hohhot with his parents by his side. In addition to lectures, the two of them work on projects outside in their spare time. According to common sense, life is about to enter the stage of getting married and having children and raising the next generation together. The future that Miao Zhijian is thinking about is not these issues. When she was in Beijing, she used to look for a job with her husband. The undergraduates and masters of the two were exactly the same, but her husband’s salary was 2,000 yuan more than her because he was a male. "At the time when I first returned to my hometown, my deepest experience was that if we two get married in the future, I must first solve myself. In the architectural design industry, men have many choices. If he goes to Beijing in the future, I am Following as a university teacher, my path became narrower. At that time, I felt a sense of crisis, so I took the Ph.D." said Miao Zhijian. She has been educated since she was a child that she can last a long time, and the name she has named carries the family's expectation of self-reliance for her. She has never thought about doing a job or not working, relying on her husband to support this kind of marriage, but before the other party takes a step, she should stand up and ensure that the two people go hand in hand.
was originally prepared in advance for her husband, but later her footsteps became the main line of the family. Miao Zhijian said that many of her things were a little chaotic at the time. Looking back, she found that it made sense logically. Many people understand the phenomenon of on-the-job Tsinghua University exams that university teachers need a doctorate degree, so they can temporarily grab one. In fact, she had a willingness to accumulate and ignorant before. When she was studying for a master's degree, she went to Tsinghua University to listen to the lectures of her "photographer" tutor. At that time, she felt that the teacher's academic ideas were very moving, and they were consistent with her own vision of architectural design. She also wants to be such a person. A dream come true. She has lived up to her 6 years of study time. In order to deepen his studies, Miao Zhijian took cross-disciplinary electives that were difficult to pass, but helpful to the profession. Doing research and projects also do their best. Her tutor is busy with work, and he arrives at the school very early to start office. Miao Zhijian said that she remembered that when she went out of the dormitory in the morning, it was still dark. When she walked to the tutor's office building, she saw the light on the teacher's office window.
is different from the immersive state of going to school when you are single. Miao Zhijian has another part of his life to deal with. Before coming to Beijing, she and her husband obtained a marriage certificate, and began a six-year separation between the two places. As a married woman over 30, she must first face fertility problems. "In a family, a woman can make a man think that he is a decision maker, but in fact the way the family operates should be led by women. What kind of family do you want and what kind of children are controlled by women." Miao Zhijian said. Miao Zhijian decided to concentrate on going to school and not having children during his Ph.D. So he executed. "Some people get pregnant unexpectedly. I don’t have this kind of thing. I definitely don’t want it when I don’t plan to have it. Another common worry is that the mother is getting older and I’m not worried about this problem. I’ve never tried to get pregnant, nor I know I’m good at it. The only surprise in the whole thing was that I planned to write a thesis in the first half of the year and give birth in the second half of the year. As a result, the child was born in the first half of the year. After 32 days of giving birth, I took a plane back to Beijing to prepare for my PhD defense." Zhijian said. Because
has always followed her own way of life, many common entanglements do not exist for Miao Zhijian. Her energy is spent on how to achieve it. How to maintain the relationship between husband and wife living apart for 6 years? Miao Zhijian said that she and her husband are mutually transparent. She was familiar with her colleagues and friends in her hometown, so she pulled her husband into her environment. The two people are originally the same major, and they often discuss with each other, and the Tsinghua teacher's gathering will also involve the husband. The husband is not only familiar with her classmates and friends, but also familiar with their daily topics. The family settled in Haidian District, Beijing, and the husband had to abandon the 10-year accumulation in university and start from scratch. How to adapt? Miao Zhijian said that living in Beijing is always known to happen, and it is a good choice. There is nothing to discuss about feasibility and necessity, and the rest is to handle the transition well.
Even if marriage hits the rock and readjusts themselves, middle-aged women can still start newLife (Photo courtesy of Visual China)
is still growing
Middle-aged people are indeed discouraging. For women, you are outstandingly capable of handling all kinds of career and life-related issues, and keeping beautiful youth through fitness and medical beauty, but you still have to face the life clock that crosses 40 years old, and the reproductive period is coming to an end. Whether it is the second child or the first childbirth, a decision must be made at this point in time, whether to be a middle-aged mother.
Zhang Jing (pseudonym) is 42 years old this year, and the child is just two months old. She can only be interviewed after breastfeeding and sleeping, and rush home when the child is about to wake up. Because of her childbirth, she gained 20 pounds, and she didn't make any special appearance when she went out, but she could still be recognized from the crowd. She has been a host for almost 20 years, with a smaller face and a dignified manner. Zhang Jing made up her mind to have a baby at the age of 40. "When I was young, I never thought that I would have children. I felt that children were annoying and would affect life. Children are the responsibility you can't get rid of in your life. Responsibility and freedom are contradictory." Zhang Jing said. She was married at the age of 35. In the eyes of many people, childbirth was already very urgent, but she still didn't think about it. "I think we should have a child when we get married, but I haven't made any effort for this matter. My husband respects what I mean. I will be born if I want, and if I don't, I won't be born." Zhang Jing said. After the two let the flow go for 5 years, Zhang Jing was determined to take this matter seriously like finishing a program.
life has thus entered a new stage, but this is not the end of the middle-aged fertility problem. "The first time I was a mother was very nervous. When I was pregnant, I had to observe fetal movements every morning, midnight and evening, and I wanted to go to the hospital a little bit differently. Now it is him who eats too much and I am worried about unhealthy, and I suspect that it will be uncomfortable if he eats less. I am worried that he is not in good spirits, and I am worried that he will be irritable if he sleeps less. You can always think of negative explanations for every small difference." Zhang Jing said. In addition to this common anxiety in new mothers, Zhang Jing has other worries. Unlike those in her 20s who just started working as a mother, she has already established a successful career. She has been interviewing leaders in various industries in China with experience and judgment. She can't forget about parenting and become one with the new character. Whenever parenting anxiety attacks, women’s self in the workplace starts to analyze this state rationally: “My world is suddenly shrunk in this small environment, there is no other content in life, and I feel that children are a great responsibility. I have magnified this matter infinitely. I can't go on like this." After she was anxious about the child's condition, she began to fight against her own anxiety, and then she developed a new anxiety, which is how to overcome parenting anxiety.
Middle-aged mothers are not a new phenomenon. The grandmother's generation keeps giving birth to middle-aged from the young marriage. But most of the middle-aged mothers nowadays are women like Zhang Jing who are highly educated and have successful careers. They face conflicts of priority in life. From an evolutionary perspective, Bainbridge analyzed that before the beginning of agriculture, the only property of humans was body fat, and brain evolution would make simple decisions about when to convert fat into babies. The current situation is much more complicated. Most of the property is non-biological and difficult to accumulate. Between modern economy and childbirth, the brain has no intuitive answer. The class coordinates of modern women have also changed. In the past, her socio-economic status was determined by whom she married, and now there are other ways to earn a place on her own. To be a happy, free and financially independent single woman or to have children? Return to the workplace to fight or devote yourself to childcare? Zhang Jing's entanglement is not a special case.
Zhang Jing's choice is to stop competing with what she is not good at. She used to think that doing a good job and raising her baby is something that can be achieved through hard work, but not doing well is stupid and stupid. When she was on the scene, she realized the difficulty of the ideal state. Like others, she took care of her own baby for 24 hours and was defeated in a few days. Others did it to keep pace with the child's work and rest, and she thought about socializing and reading after sleeping. Part of the energy is divided and can't hold it. "I wanted to be a mother who loves my child unconditionally and meets all his needs, but I can't do it. Sometimes the child's needs are completely contradictory to my needs. To satisfy him unconditionally, I sacrifice too much. For me This is especially difficult for people who have always been very selfish." Zhang Jing said. Through childbearing, Zhang Jing is more certain where the sense of accomplishment in life comes from. She went out to get her hair done. The child's life is still long and she has to return to the workplace.
At the end of the reproductive period, another problem faced by women is whether they are still attractive to the opposite sex. As a group of animals, the core movement of sex attractionPower comes from reproducing offspring. The resulting question is if marriage hits the rock, can it sail again? Crystal divorced at 40 and remarried at 42. The new life is peaceful, but there are also reflections and growth brought about by the previous marriage.
The divorce was proposed by the ex-husband without warning. The two have been in love for 2 years and married for 10 years. Their marriage is close to middle age and hits the rocks, which has hit Crystal a lot. When she first divorced, she did a lot of things she hadn't tried. She lost 25 pounds in her fitness, started to grow long hair, started wearing skirts, and went for orthodontics. Many acquaintances no longer recognize her when they see her again. "I don't do this to save the marriage. I want to do something I have never done before and start my life again. My personality is more anxious, and the most immediate change can only start from the appearance." Crystal said.
When you re-behave, reflect on yourself. “I’ve been a very self-conscious person since I was a kid. After starting a business and my children came, I devoted all my energy to these two things. My ex-husband felt that he was not taken seriously. Not only did I ignore him, but I was also Ignore it. I don't pay attention to some other requirements." Crystal said. What is valuable is that she did not regard divorce as a complete self-denial, but a milestone in her life. Taking the opportunity of divorce, she rethinks who she is and what life should be like. Crystal has an outgoing personality and loves to make friends. He used to hold parties. When she was divorced, her ex-husband praised her as an interesting person. Someone would be willing to approach her without worrying about not getting married again. "I think I'm good in all aspects, and the reason that led to the divorce was inappropriate at the beginning. When I met my ex-husband, I was already at the manager level, and he had just graduated from college. I was holding him down in our relationship. He admires and admires me, but after more than ten years of life, he realized that he loves women who are dependent on him, and he is not the kind of character who is good at communicating with me." Crystal said. It is true that
was the first Crystal to meet love. Her current husband is an American and she is also divorced. The two people first analyzed the reasons for divorce based on the relationship of friends. "My ex-husband and I have no way to discuss. I want to know why the divorce is and whether it can be corrected, but he doesn't answer me. My husband now analyzes things thoroughly from a male perspective. I sometimes think he can open it. Marriage emotional line." Crystal said. One year after we met, her husband proposed to marry him, but Crystal did not agree at the time. The last marriage made her suspicious of this system, and she was not psychologically prepared. After another year of love, the two men began a new marriage. "My husband is 7 years older than me. He feels that marriage is not about what you like, but whether you can accept each other's shortcomings. This marriage, we started in a more mature state." Crystal said.
(illustration Zhao Yang)
self-identification
marriage hits the rocks and remarriage has given Crystal a lot of experience. She feels that no matter what occupation or marriage is, people have to find their own value. "Divorce is not terrible, it can completely reshape life. But first you have to have yourself, otherwise the building of life will fall." Crystal said. Self-identity is the underlying logic for tracing the roots of many contemporary urban psychological problems, emotional problems, and inner conflicts. But for middle-aged women, even if they have a clear self-identity, sometimes they have to overcome many obstacles and ties to grasp their anchor in life. Life is always unsatisfactory, and facing it requires perseverance.
Caroline is pregnant with her third child. At the same time, she is also studying for a degree in the United States, looking for a job in an IT company, and raising two children with her husband without the help of an elderly person. "The most troubling time in life is when no one takes care of the child. I am looking for a job to answer the phone, and I want to put Xiao Er to sleep or close the door in the bathroom. The child was playing outside and suddenly realized that his mother was not with him, so he began to cry. The third child is very tired and has to pick up the children to cook after work. The dishwasher, washing machine, dryer, and sweeping robot at home have to work. Every day I can only wait for the children to sleep before I can start working, studying and Look at the email." Caroline said. Before going abroad, Caroline worked at Microsoft in Beijing. In 2012, her husband had the opportunity to go to the United States. At that time, she thought very simple, her major is not difficult to find a job in the United States, she also has experience working in a large international company, first as a spouseI went with my husband and can return to the workplace after the visa is resolved and the work qualification is obtained. Unexpectedly, their visa was not going well. Caroline stayed at home full-time for six or seven years. For the first year or two, she had a great time. Get a respite from the fast-paced and stressful work life in Beijing, study in the morning and volunteer in the library in the afternoon. But when the freshness passed, she felt uncomfortable. "I belong to the spouse of an H1B work visa, and I don’t even have a bank account in the United States. At first, I took my husband’s card and went out to swipe it, but it couldn’t be used. Later, a staff member in the bank was kind, but it didn’t meet the regulations. I applied for a student card. My husband deposits some money in this card every month to prove that I have income and to ensure the operation of this account." Caroline said. She doesn't like this state. The psychological gap of
also comes from the comparison with classmates and friends. She has always been in contact with her mentor and knows the development of her professional field in China. The friends she knows before have also advanced by leaps and bounds. Some people have already received 2 million yuan in annual salary. In 2016, college classmates came to the United States to contact her for a meeting. The classmates were already professors and doctoral supervisors, but she was still waiting to get a job qualification. "I feel very uncomfortable in my heart and feel that the difference in life circumstances is very big. In the United States, mothers who are in the same situation as me will also exchange the development of domestic classmates and acquaintances with each other over the years. Compared with their daily lives, they are very disappointed. It is difficult for outsiders to appreciate our experience. Kind of state of mind." Caroline said. After the birth of two children one after another, Caroline couldn't stay. One reason is that raising two children is under great financial pressure; the other reason is that she always feels that in addition to childbirth and raising a baby, she must have self-realization in the workplace. She once lived in California for a period of time, where many Chinese housewives came to the United States as spouses. Caroline said that some people gave up their careers. "For example, there is a dancer who gave birth to two children here, and she is still very beautiful. She teaches her children to dance now, which I think is a pity. There are also some mothers who think they don’t speak English well and don’t want to learn, just here. Doing as a purchasing agent, or selling to Chinese insurance. I can’t understand this kind of work. In addition to earning a living, people have to create value for society and do something that contributes and develops." It’s best to find a decent white-collar job in the United States. It has a degree from an American school. Caroline started taking the TOEFL test at the age of 36, when her second child was only 6 months old. "The classmates who went to the TOEFL tutoring class with me were all'post-95s' or at least'post-90s'. Compared with those in their 20s, my study time is scattered. I have to wait for the second to fall asleep After that, the review can begin," Caroline said. She used the scattered time with her baby to study and took the TOEFL five times to get a score that can be used to apply for a degree. During this period, they moved to Seattle, bought a house, and settled in the school for the children, all trivial and busy. "I took the sixth TOEFL test again. I wanted to improve my score a little bit, but the result was not high. At that time, I was not in the mood because I was painting the wall. The labor in the United States is very expensive, and my father took the two children out. , I’m just at home alone.” Caroline said.
With this TOEFL score, Caroline applied for a degree in the field of big data. Her major in China is computer science. She will study after 10 years of graduation and transfer to a related but more cutting-edge field. The TOEFL score and the degree she was studying gave Caroline's resume to prove herself. She started looking for a job, regaining contact with her American colleagues at Microsoft, and asked her acquaintances to help pay attention to opportunities. She participated in interviews with several companies, because there was a 7-year break in her career, and she was not competitive in the job market. In the end, a third-party company serving Microsoft hired her. After going around for 7 years, she finally returned to the workplace.
This road to return requires a lot of energy, and now I can't help but feel bitter in memory. "After I failed the first exam, I sat in the park and cried. After seeing this, a friend who graduated from Tsinghua University comforted me and said that as long as I persisted and persisted, I would win. This road is difficult, but it is not impossible. The way to reach, but many people drew a circle for themselves from the beginning, thinking that they are old and it is a foregone conclusion." Caroline said. Work not only gave Caroline an income, found self-identity, and even served as a coordinate for her daughter to view her. "Many mothers in Seattle are professional women. When picking up their daughters from school, she would say, which child’s motherMom works at Microsoft, which kid’s mother is at Amazon. Mom, I also want you to go to work. Children ask each other and can tell what their mother is doing. I can't let the children ask the children where your mother is at work, she can't tell. Caroline said.
(illustration of Zhao Yang)
the scenery at the top of the mountain
life is always lost and rewarding, the loss of collagen cannot be reversed, but when you stumble and climb to the top of the parabola, you have a special scenery. Even people always say when they were young. Don’t be afraid of falling, because it’s still a long time, and the middle-aged person who can stand at the top has the experience and connections to make a comeback. Li Ping (pseudonym) has led one of the most profitable projects in her industry in the past 6 years, and because This project earned her both fame and fortune. Unexpectedly, she suffered personality humiliation and a cliff-hanging career due to a black swan incident this year. Unknown netizens speculated about her private life on social media and also involved her work. The company asked her to suspend her job and settle the matter. Li Ping said: "After the accident, the boss warned me that my career is over. Customers will no longer pay for me, and my name will be a shame in the future. "
Li Ping was overwhelmed by this setback. "All my joys, sorrows, sorrows and joys revolved around this event for 6 years, and then it was like a dream. Until now, I was in a daze, how did it become overwhelming, and finally became out of control. I even repeated things in my dream. If I deal with it in another way, will it be the end? "Li Ping said. The dream woke up, there is no turning back in the real world. She went back to the company and saw colleagues fighting side by side with depression. They used to be the best team in the company and received a lot of praise and bonuses, but because of this The matter was overshadowed. In order to adjust the business, the company had decided to lay off employees at that time, and a large part of the people who left were also from this team. "I cried a lot when I went home in the middle of the night, and turned my phone rationally before crying. I couldn't find someone who had a mouthful. Later, I found a colleague who was good at dealing with people and cried with her. After crying, I never felt emotional about this again. Although I still can't figure out how to get to this point, time is the most precious and I have to think about the next step. "Li Ping said.
She is like a healing wound. She is painfully separated from the project. She goes to Pilates three times a week and actively participates in class reunions. She said that she has devoted herself to the project for the past 6 years and her job is The load-bearing wall of life. Now that this wall is down, there must be other pillars to support her, and she can still live in the house. After calming down, she wants to understand her relationship with the project: "I am a person who creates value , Or someone who has value because of being attached to this project? If I am a value-creating person, even if I leave this project, what can I do? "
went back to her professional experience. She was still unknown 6 years ago and worked on another ace project. The direct leader talked to her and hoped that she would take the lead in developing a new product. "I only learned later that the leader actually found the team at the time. There are many senior colleagues, but the team is also very profitable, and no one wants to leave. I didn't think about gains and losses at the time, but with a hard-hearted look, I felt that the task assigned by the leader had to be completed. "Li Ping said. In the third year of the project, she suddenly learned about the profession like she had opened up the second line of Ren and Du, and thus got better and better in the workplace until she climbed the mountain and fell severely.
Li Ping felt that she had started this project from scratch, and she grew up with this project and accumulated a lot from it. Knowing that she is a value-creating person, she suddenly became enlightened. Li Ping continued to contact former customers and partners. , Understand the current situation of the industry, and inform everyone that she may not continue to follow the original project. Without the reliance of the previous company, there are still people who are interested in her next plan to see if there is a possibility of cooperation. "Many people say that it is coming soon. At the age of 40, it will be very confused and there is no way to go. My point of view is different. I used to say that I didn't struggle, because when I was young, I had no resources, no opportunities, too few choices, and I could only move forward. Now I find that I am a tangled person because there are too many choices. There are many possibilities in which direction I go, who I work with, and in any form. "Li Ping said. The advantage of
middle-aged appears at this time, and it does not exist as a tragedy originally. "Divine Will" allows middle-aged to appear, which is a new stage for human beings who have lived through 40 years. Compared with trembling, middle-aged people are more at ease. Miao Zhijian’s current scheduleIt is more flexible and controllable than when she was in school, because she grasped the direction and framework of the work, and the details were implemented by young people. Compared with the perplexity of encountering setbacks in life, middle-aged people have fallen down, got up again, and learned experience. Crystal's career is in Shanghai, and her family is in the United States. She now often runs across the ocean, focusing on the balance between career and family. Li Ping didn't want to travel back to her 20s at all. She felt that she was a mess at that time; now she has life experience, especially this storm, so she can understand herself and life better. Life is so short that almost all talents are about to live when they find that life has come to an end. So, since you just tasted the five flavors of the world, why not immerse yourself in it and enjoy it?
