friends often quarrel, both in private and in front of outsiders.
When her husband invited a guest, she set up a large table of dishes, and the guest praised her for her good craftsmanship. She couldn't help but be overjoyed when her husband threw a sentence: "She is usually too lazy to die, so she orders takeout every day." : "Can't you just say something nice?" Then shut yourself in the room.
recalled every word her husband scolded her since she got married, the more she thought about it, the more aggrieved she couldn't help crying.
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Husband opened the door and saw his wife full of tears, stunned.
learned the cause and effect, he scratched his head and said confusedly:
"I thought you liked this."
"Who likes being scolded all day long?" Bad look."
I said, I really know.
When you are in love, you are full of passion, and the teasing of your husband makes your heart beat faster;
After marriage, the passion fades, the heart does not speed up, and the fear is amplified.
There is a suspension bridge effect in psychology:
Strange men and women stand on the suspension bridge and face the fear of the abyss, which makes their heart beat faster. This feeling is very similar to "love at first sight", so men and women standing on the suspension bridge are more likely to fall in love other side.
Intimacy also has such a suspension bridge. As soon as you see TA, your heart beats faster. At first, you mistake it for "love". After time dilutes the passion, the truth will come to light.
Turns out, your heart is racing because you've been attacked.
What does aggressive intimacy mean
Freud believed that one of the most important reasons people are alive is the need for aggression drives.
Aggressive drive will show a variety of aggressive behaviors: Babies grab their mother's hair, children hit birds with stones, teenagers compete for strength...
Aggressiveness is very common and is called "one of the three major vitality of human beings".
In life, we express attacks intentionally or unintentionally; in intimate relationships, we often attack and be attacked.
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Psychologist Wright writes in How to Fight Properly:
Some people instinctively avoid fighting, an unconscious behavior based on legitimate fears that have developed during evolution;
Others Frequent and loud arguments, for them, these reactions are also unconscious.
Arguing, humiliating, and teasing are common aggressions in relationships.
Aggressive intimates feel that "the more noisy the relationship, the better", and will always attack each other unconsciously, making the relationship tense.
Why do they use aggression to express intimacy? There are three reasons for the formation:
1. Using aggression to retain a mate
Evolutionary psychology believes that aggression is a strategy to retain a mate.
From ancient times to the present, humans have used some harmful punishments to prevent spouses from cheating, such as warning, exclusiveness, jealousy and manipulation.
Both men and women attack each other, but in different ways:
men use more physical violence and use force to warn other men;
women use more verbal violence and babble to claim "ownership."
2. The influence of the family of origin
Aggressive intimates have special childhoods. They grow up in an environment full of aggression and identify with the abuser. Whenever they want to express intimacy, aggression will follow.
Children "follow the pattern" learned to attack, but never learned how to control.
So in an intimate relationship, the more involved they are, the more they will hurt each other unconsciously, and even mistake the attack as a "show of love".
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3. Looking for an ideal substitute parent
Psychologists have found that children who did not receive enough care in childhood will look for an ideal substitute parent (often a lover) in order to compensate for the lack of childhood in adulthood.
The way they are looking is to test whether the other party can accept their negative emotions, and to "kill" to test their partner's love, so as to prove that "the TA will never leave him no matter what" and can accept his worst side.
But in reality, partners often choose to leave.
The human heart is full of flesh, and the humiliated and frustrated partner feels powerless and eventually loses all confidence in intimacy.
The attack is behind the lack of marriage and love resources
"Evolutionary Psychology" mentioned that adults often regard "aggression" as a strategy, ignoring the driving force and emotion behind the attack. An example is given in the book
: Men with higher value of marriage and love usually use gifts and express concern to keep their spouses;
men with lower value of marriage and love will use other strategies to retain their spouses, such as humiliating their partners and defeating them. partner's self-esteem.
cottonbro, Pexels
They do these acts of hurting their partner maybe because they lack resources and have nothing to give to their partner.
"Resources" can be external money, power, status, or internal love, respect and understanding.
Therefore, aggressive intimates are often "resource-deficient" people who live in the cracks of life and suffer from anxiety and anxiety. In order to survive, they must force a disguise.
attacking a spouse makes them feel: This relationship is safe and I can express myself honestly.
In fact, an appropriate attack will not deplete a relationship, such as a couple occasionally bickering and joking with each other; an inappropriate attack by
will deplete feelings, because behind this “inappropriateness” hides the “lack” of the attacker, and
Unable to accept this lack.
It's worth noting that those who scored higher on the "dark triad" personality trait were more likely to be aggressive with their partners.
's so-called "dark three-in-one" personality refers to pathological narcissism, control, and psychopath. People like
are extremely deficient in their inner resources. They will mutilate their wives because of jealousy and other reasons. The news that the girl was mutilated by her ex-boyfriend a while ago and unfortunately died is an extreme case. There are many reasons for the lack of internal resources in
: low self-esteem caused by the lack of external resources, childhood trauma shadows, bad growing environment...
attackers are powerless to face these shortages. In order to make themselves feel better, they will vent by attacking each other .
So, attacking is actually a high-stakes tactic that can benefit the attacker and tie up the partner, but it can also exacerbate conflict and hasten the demise of love.
Identifying aggression, the first step toward a healthy relationship
Although for some couples, "noisy"Fighting is a kind of fun, but not everyone can withstand the onslaught of fire.
In order to avoid the decline of intimate relationships, we need to learn to adjust the aggression in the relationship.
First, see the positive side of aggression.
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has a well-known saying: good-looking skins are the same, and interesting souls are one in a thousand.
"interesting" is a kind of attack that is properly performed. It uses flexible interpersonal skills to show its energetic side, and at the same time Threats and injuries are avoided.
Therefore, attacks have a positive side, but some people are more aggressive, or are used to suppressing aggression. How
adjust their aggression and show their positive side is a lesson they must learn .
Then, communicate and discuss the scale of the attack.
Interpersonal conflicts, some people think "just fight" "small fights don't matter"; Never quarrel".
Humans can withstand a certain degree of attack, how much can they withstand?
Everyone's tolerance is different, and the tolerance between partners is also different. When you feel hurt by the other party, you must express Feelings:
I feel uncomfortable, I feel angry, and I need to talk to you.
Sometimes, your partner doesn't know that you hurt you. Discussing your feelings in time can identify whether your partner is attacking on purpose or not.
If It is the latter. Friendly communication can greatly reduce the aggression and create a comfortable intimacy model for both parties.
Finally, refuse uncontrollable attacks.
If your partner knows he has hurt you and still refuses to communicate, then this is intentional Attacked.
realize that your partner is unwilling to change, and must protect yourself, even withdraw, to avoid more extreme and worse treatment.
Although aggression is common in intimate relationships, aggressive intimacy patterns are still unhealthy
Because love is soft, gentle flows between hearts.
It is the responsibility of both partners to take care of this softness. Let love be enriched, not depleted, and the relationship can be harmonious and long-lasting, and the heart and the heart can Really close together.
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Author: Miss Mang Lai
Source: Pexels