Follow me and take you to meet your unknown self
Author | Miao Dai
Produced | Zhang Defen Space
Is the husband and wife's home the mother-in-law's home? The topic of caused a heated discussion on the Weibo not long ago.
Many people complained online that their mother-in-law had crossed the line, confided in their husband's inaction, and pushed this topic to the forefront. It seems that everyone involved in the discussion is desperate for an answer.
Why does such a question suddenly resonate with women?
turned out to be in the variety show "Mother and Mother 2", the goddess Chen Songling encountered a secret rivalry with her mother-in-law. Many women feel that they have seen themselves.
On the phone, Zhang Duo invited his mother to "welcome you to our house". After hearing this, the mother immediately corrected "You are wrong, you should say welcome home. Your home is also my home."
In the eyes of her son It's your own home, this is the iron law.
, like the guest Huang Shengyi, may think that "the husband and wife’s home is the mother-in-law’s home", but more people may agree with Chen Songling’s point of view: ’s family is a very private field, but because each family has its own rules , The husband and wife’s home is not the mother-in-law’s home.
There are too many women who suffer from "harassment" by their mother-in-laws in their marriages. They are obviously their own homes, but they can only be a fake queen with the empress dowager in power.
A home is not a house, but a system of people and relationships. Different people, different relationships, different expectations, and different needs should not be confused.
The small system of father-in-law and mother-in-law, and the small system of husband and wife should keep their boundaries and not interfere with each other. The husband and wife's home is not the mother-in-law's home, and the mother-in-law's home cannot be the husband and wife's home either.
Who is the one to draw the line? Are two women fighting?
No, it should be the man in the middle.
Although the goddess Chen Songling met a typical "unclear boundary" mother-in-law, fortunately, her husband Zhang Duo was awesome. He let his wife "shrink" behind and let him do the wicked.
There is such a man in the middle, like a knife that can divide the system. The large system with unclear boundaries between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is divided into small systems. Each can hold their own bottom line and live as much as possible in accordance with their own wishes.
The core of the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is the "snatching man war"
mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are two people who have no blood relationship or friendship. They are in-laws, and the person who makes them in-laws is very important.
The core of the tension between the two women is fighting for sovereignty and the love of the same man.
My friend Xin Yu had a very "annoying" incident. One day Xin Yu cooked millet porridge for dinner. She thought it was just cooking porridge, and she could eat anything.
But after seeing it, the mother-in-law insisted that her son likes to eat eight-treasure porridge and he must cook it. Xin Yu said that the eight-treasure porridge is time-consuming and labor-intensive. Now the millet porridge is already cooked in the pot, it is better to make do with it today.
Who knows her mother-in-law did not say anything, just waited for the millet porridge to be out of the pot,Cooked a pot of eight-treasure porridge.
waited for Xinyu's husband to come home. There were two bowls of porridge in his place. Both women stared at him. It was a banquet.
This bowl of porridge is a multiple-choice question. The wife wants to know "Which family do you belong to", and the mother wants to know "You are still not my favorite son."
For a man, he loves two women very much. He not only hopes that he has a new family, but also hopes that he will never disappoint his mother's expectations. Let them make a choice and ensure that the two women are not injured. This question is simply too difficult.
Many men in life are often like this. They don't want to hurt anyone, so they don't make any choices and let the two women fight. Or be a good person in the middle, and muddy, to avoid choice.
In their subconscious mind, they did nothing. If some bad results happen, then the responsibility must not lie with them. In order to avoid responsibility, they simply hid like ostriches.
Of course, there are some men who will stand in line with their own mothers, because "mothers are not easy", this choice will make their wives more isolated and helpless, and the relationship between husband and wife will become more problematic.
Men are misplaced, women collapse
According to the big divorce data released by the Civil Affairs Bureau, since 2002, divorce in my country has been increasing year by year. Among them, the rate of divorce caused by the discord between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is as high as 47%.
all seem trivial things, a bowl of porridge, the color of a towel, and an understanding of eyes, but they are enough to destroy a marriage. It seems hypocritical to say it, and it does look like a thorn in the heart without saying it. The result of the absence of husband
must be the mother-in-law offside. Men who dare not stand on the side of their wives are often because they have too much parent-child relationship with their mothers and are reluctant to separate from their mothers.
Zhihu has a question on Zhihu: Can the wife of have an attitude of "cannot afford to hide" to my mother?
In the eyes of this netizen, his wife is simply a "heinous sin", and she doesn't know how to be filial to his mother. Before marriage,
clearly stated that the elderly would not live with them. After getting married, they turned back and forth. Not only did the door to my house always open, welcoming my mother to live in, but I also blamed my wife for treating her mother with unrespectful respect.
The wife feels that it is a kind of disrespect for her mother-in-law to come here without prior notice.
But her husband thought, "My mother is an elder, this is her home, this is the house they worked so hard to save money to buy, why do you need to notify in advance? All this is caused by the wife’s inability to deal with interpersonal relationships, she Won't make my mother happy".
Even though the wife has been intolerable, the two sides have begun to talk about divorce, the husband still stands in line with his own mother.
"I hope my wife can chat with my mother more, go shopping, etc. Isn't it the most basic to be filial to the elderly, she should work hard to integrate into this family when she married me."
Husband and mother-in-law are a family. I can only be an "outsider" who helps my husband to fulfill his filial piety together. How desperate such a day is!
There are also many women who, in order to defend their territories and their own family systems, naturally take the place of men and take the initiative to conflict with their mother-in-laws.
In a war between two unrelated men who seize the same man, they often lose both sides.
Different men, different mother-in-law relationship
In the Korean drama "Daughter-in-law's Transition Period", the mother-in-law has two sons, and the two sons have completely different attitudes towards the mother-in-law's problems, and the lives of the two daughter-in-laws are also completely different.
When the eldest daughter-in-law went to her mother-in-law’s house for the first time, she was just in time for the festival to prepare a large table of food. The mother-in-law’s arrangement was "reasonable." The eldest son went to rest when he got tired, the father-in-law and the uncle were drinking in the living room, the second son and the younger daughter went out on a date, and the daughter-in-law prepared food with her.
"Everyone is too much, mother-in-law, then I will go first."
Then the eldest son chased it out, and the eldest daughter-in-law said calmly: We agreed before marriage, and you have to deal with these things. There must be the first time, come on! The eldest son of
is really difficult to make this choice. He knelt down and said to his parents: You may be sad, but now I have a family, I have to take care of my family first, because I am a parent.
In various subsequent gatherings, the eldest son and eldest daughter-in-law did not attend the occasions when the daughter-in-law had to work hard to prepare. When the mother-in-law wanted to point fingers, the daughter-in-law just said, "Mom, you think so, thank you, we have arrangements."
When the second daughter-in-law gets married, she has to prepare a family banquet alone or with her mother-in-law, she said For a business trip, her mother-in-law advised her married woman not to travel, or the bridegroom had no food to eat.
even gave a gift to his daughter-in-law, an apron. For all this, the second son did not feel sorry for his wife at all, and told his wife that you and my mother are busy, which I like very much.
The eldest daughter-in-law and her mother-in-law have been polite and distanced, but the second daughter-in-law often collapses and cries, wondering why she wants to get married.
The same mother-in-law and different men are in different marriage situations.
If a wife can't get the love of her husband and the sovereignty of the family, then they will feel very insecure. The aggressiveness that is nowhere to be released naturally vents towards her husband and mother-in-law.
Smart men will choose to protect their small family and stay away from their parents' system. Even if it is not easy for the mother, it is not caused by the wife. Even though he has the obligation to fulfill his filial piety, his wife has no absolute obligation.
When a man makes a choice, parents will feel hurt, but eventually they will adapt to this kind of injury. The mother learns to give her son freedom. This is also the last separation between mother and son.
Only by doing this complete separation can each other live a good life.
each back to each house, each to you
Different families have different questions about mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. There is a unified answer to these questions: let the man stand up.
First, push the man to the front and solve his own mother
. As the "middleman" between the two women, the man must take the initiative to stand up and not regard the problem as a "trivial matter between women".
At the same time, men must stand in line and make it clear that his wife is the first, and his home is not his mother's. I am the husband of a woman first, and then the son of another woman.
let the mother know her position, the mother can reduce the interference in the small family.
Second, the woman returned to her position and did not actively conflict with her mother-in-law.
woman to mother-in-lawIn the meantime, don't talk too much about feelings, stay polite and friendly, stick to your own principles and bottom line, and leave the rest to your husband to take care of.
We don’t want to fight head-on with the mother-in-law, but let the husband go to mediate on both sides. In some cases, it is more acceptable for the son to say it than the daughter-in-law.
The real war should be started by men.
"Daughter-in-law's Transition Period" At the end, the second son saw the sacrifice and pain of his wife. When he decided to be a man, he kept his previous promise to his wife.
Finally, he bravely said to his parents: This year's Mid-Autumn Festival is at our house, and the Spring Festival we are going to our mother-in-law's house.
After parents experienced doubts and anger, they gradually accepted this fact and admitted that as long as their children were living well, they would be relieved.
The bottom line between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law should be divided by men.
is a man who guards his home and assumes his own responsibilities. Two generations of people want to cook rice with distinct grains instead of boiling it into a pot of porridge.
porridge is cooked, and the family is gone.
References:
1. Knowing: Can my wife's attitude toward my mother "can't afford to hide"?
2. Korean drama "Daughter-in-law's Transitional Period"
3. "Mother and Mother" Season 2
4. "Happy Marriage" [beautiful] John Gottman 2/zz5. / Dr. Hailan / Qingyin / Liu Ping
