JOY CHEN, as an internationally renowned advocate of female liberalism, was 31-year-old deputy mayor of Los Angeles, shocking the American political world; 35-year-old president of the world’s top headhunting company in the United States, well-known in the industry; 40-year-old published a best-selling book "Don't Get Married Before 30", it became popular in China once it was released.
"Business Week" reported last week that the number of Chinese women enrolled in major business schools in the United States is increasing significantly. So many Chinese female talents are moving towards globalization! Thinking that Chinese women might be about to shake the world, I am very excited. At this moment, apart from the psychological barrier that still defines the value of women by marital status, there is nothing that can stop Chinese women from moving forward.
Most of the remaining women are modern urban women with high education, high income and high IQ. Their looks are impeccable, but the requirements for choosing a spouse are relatively high, so they cannot get an ideal destination in marriage.
—The Ministry of Education of China, 2007.
I got my dream career, my dream husband, and my dream child. I got married at the age of 38. According to the government's standards, I lived like a legend.
This is a photo of my husband David on the wedding day. In fact, there is always a season in life that can make dreams come true, and I can realize my dreams because of my late marriage.
"Why are you still not married?"
passed, my parents were always afraid that I would become the leftover daughter. No matter how much I have achieved, our conversations always focus on "life events":
Mom: Hi Joy! My friend in California sent me some news clippings about you.
Me: That's great.
Mom: But your father and I said when we were chatting, you don't live with us anymore.
Me: I haven't lived with you for 15 years.
Mom: ...but you didn't live with a husband either.
Me: Because I'm not married yet.
Mom: So, please explain to me what you are doing in California?
Me: Mom! Have you read those news clippings? I am helping millions of people improve their lives.
Mom: But don’t you think that a woman’s job is to be a good wife and a good mother?
For the generations of our mothers and grandmothers, it is no big deal to marry someone who has never really understood. Marriage is basically for insurance and reproduction. But the result is that most of us have lost role models in finding and establishing soul mate relationships.
"Are your standards too high?"
should not be taken lightly when looking for your prince charming, nor can you reduce the number of dates at will. This is the most important search in your life-so I am not exaggerating-the only thing you use as a bet is your future.
Society teaches us that no one is perfect, so we have to lower our standards and settle down as we go. We should act quickly, get married early, and be on the safe side, lest we never run into better candidates. However, marriage should not be just an insurance plan. Nothing is more frustrating and makes our lives more precarious than a society full of loveless marriages and extramarital affairs. And when we lower the courtship standard, we will once again strengthen this concept to the next generation: there is no love in the world.
But you don't need to be such a person. Who you want to marry is the most important decision in your life. In fact, if you don’t plan to have 15 children, there is no good reason for you to marry before the age of 30.
At the age of 20, playing, learning, and growing up
Many people's lives are shrouded in anxiety and a continuous undercurrent of pressure. Living deep in your heart is a fresh, free, vigorous and passionate woman. If you don't love yourself and don't cling to your own happiness, then you will naturally always change yourself to please others. Therefore, before you truly know yourself and what you want with confidence, don't promise your life and destiny to others. When you build a close connection with your dreams, you can do more for others.
So, shape a complete life independently. Form your own opinions and interests, don't abandon them for a boyfriend. A man who is worthy of your love will not appreciate this, and you will be miserable, and in the end you will not get any valuable rewards.
One way to measure how well you do in loving yourself is to stopRun until you can ask yourself: "Am I really happy?" Being content with being an independent woman is the foundation for finding Prince Charming and having a happy life.
Learn to be independent when you are in your twenties
At a certain moment in your life journey, you must distinguish psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually from the influences around you. What is "independence"? Implied in this word are your parents, because they are the objects you must leave in your self-orientation. Your 20s are used to learn to treat your parents as independent individuals and not just your parents. They learn to see you as an independent individual and not just their child, or the child of their grandchildren. This new relationship will allow you to establish a closer connection and friendship with them.
When you are in your twenties, you will explore the vast possibilities of life
quickly, and you will have to take on brand new long-term obligations, which will haunt you throughout your life. Now is the only time in your entire adult life when you can become a little bit selfish. Enjoy this freedom to the full. Before you are bound, experience everything you want to experience. Your 20s and 30s should be the stage when you are excited by your ambitions. Allow yourself to spend a few years exploring what you are interested in.
After all, your brain is still changing
Neuroscience scientists once thought that the brain stops growing after puberty. But they have now discovered that the part of your brain that manages long-term strategies—that is, answering questions like "Who am I and how do I want to spend my life"—is actually still in your 20s and 30s. change.
That means you in your 20s now will be different from you in your 30s-your boyfriend is the same. Lovers who marry early will therefore set up extra serious obstacles in their lives. No one thinks when entering marriage, "We will hate each other one day," but this is precisely the experience of most Chinese post-80s. The divorce rate of this generation is as high as 57%, and the oldest post-80s member is only 30 years old.
When you are in your 20s and the part of your brain responsible for long-term thinking is still developing, you are looking for "Mr. Right Now". When you are in your 30s, you will be more fully prepared to find the "Mr. Right" who will be with you for a lifetime.
Why do you want to get married?
Why do you want to get married? Because your friends are already married? Because society "reformed" you and made you feel that you have reached the age of marriage? These reasons have nothing to do with the man you are going to marry, and they foreshadow a future where happiness is discounted and life is halved. If a relationship does not leave room for the truest you, you will be alone for life. So does he.
So, get rid of those fantasies about "insured" marriages. Let us be realistic.
is only love, not enough
love is only the starting point of a successful marriage, because marriage is very different from dating. Marriage is like a very secular small business. You and your husband are both joint employers and joint employees. If you marry the right person, this is actually a very beautiful thing. In order for the company to flourish, you and him must reach a consensus on the company's development direction and business philosophy. You must fully trust each other's character and judgment, figure out how your company will make money, how it will spend it, and determine which tasks will be completed and by whom. But unlike other small businesses, you two must commit to serving as a joint employer and joint employee of this company for the rest of your life.
adopts the strategy of headhunting to find the prince charming
do not marry the first man you meet on a date. How do you know that the relationship between you is unparalleled love? Take the strategy of headhunting to find Prince Charming. For any headhunting search, my company will browse the information of hundreds of candidates. Once, in order to find a CFO for a Forbes 500 company, we interviewed more than 1,000 people! If you are a headhunter in my company, and I assign you a search task, and then you finally lock two or three candidates among a large number of candidates, then I will fire you.
Don’t take it lightly when looking for your prince charming, or reduce the number of dates at will. This is the most important search in your life-so I am not exaggerating-the only thing you use as a bet is your future.
When you start a new search, the first step is to define your ideal timeChoose people. Don't lower your standards, but make sure your standards are reasonable. Ask a man what he would like to see in a woman, and he will say two things: good-looking and sweet. Ask a woman what she would like to see in a man, and she will say 200 things:
• rich and generous
• knows how to be nice to a woman
• knows how to order a bottle of wine in a restaurant and when the wine is delivered What to do at the table
• Dressed like a fashionable gentleman, but not gay
... etc. Ladies, please don't do that. If you are my customer, I will ask you to divide these qualities into two columns: "must have" and "best have". Your "must have" column should only include the most important qualities, such as "being with him makes me better", "can make my soul sing", "same values as mine", "have a common goal in life" "The economic strength is stable." The rest of the qualities are moved to the "best available" column. The second step of
search is to define, interview and evaluate a crowd of candidates. It is very important to fall in love with different people, because it can help you better understand what you need and don’t need in a relationship. Are you not curious about men? This will be the only opportunity in your life to explore all kinds of romantic relationships and sexual experiences, so you should go out and enjoy it.
Don't let him control your destiny
Sometimes a woman doesn't even bother to search for Prince Charming. This woman just wants to force every man she sees on the date into marriage. She is the one who asks "Where am I now", "Where will this relationship go", "Do you want a baby?" In doing so, she was actually telling him that this relationship was completely at his mercy. This behavior is very dangerous because she is completely passive in her decision to marry. She looked like a desperate woman. A man wants you to be with him because you chose him, not because you can't live without him.
Don't use the ultimatum
If you have been dating for a while and have not been proposed, this woman will often start to stage an ultimatum. The ultimatum for forced marriage is usually like this: "Hi dear. Propose to me before time X (for example, three months), or I will leave you!"
I don’t believe in forced marriage, because when you When you are with your soul mate, usually you and him are very clear: even if a galloping wild horse pulls you away, he will chase you until he is absolutely sure that you will always be his. He is grateful for every day he spends with you. He will promise to spend the rest of his life with you and take care of you and any children you give birth.
Good men are everywhere
There is an argument that if you don’t get married early, good men will be taken away. This is totally nonsense, especially considering the imbalance of the sex ratio in China. Any woman who thinks there is no good man in the world is just a woman who doesn't know how to deal with men. This kind of dealing skill is called empathy. Men and women express love in different ways, and if you learn to love them the way men like, you will never be alone. Maybe I should write a headhunting guide that teaches you how to get your dream husband into your pocket.
first do Ms. Right
how do you find your true self? Through your career! You can discover where your passion lies through work, and you can also increase your understanding, love and respect for yourself through work. When you are in your 20s, you have to work very, very hard to find something you really love, just like me, then you can have a bright career. And, ladies, there is nothing as interesting as Xiaoao's workplace!
Men respect women who support themselves, just as a Wall Street financial man once left a memorable advice to a beautiful woman who wants sugar daddy. And an extremely cultivating job allows you to socialize with men you will never meet when you are doing "vase". The sexiest women are all career achievers because they are the most interesting and exciting.
... By that time, good men will appear
. After 20 years old, I have no obstacles in attracting men (Chinese women are very popular in the United States!), but the composition of the partners has evolved over time. When I was in my 20s, I had several boyfriends, but overall my love life was always not as good as I wanted. The 18-year-old boys adore me, and the 50-year-old boys adore me even more. With meThe younger man looks a little underdeveloped, just like myself. Sometimes when someone asks me out, I think, "Thank you, but I think I would rather stay in the apartment, read a good book, and taste a glass of wine."
When I was 30 years old, my body parts began to sag, but My spirit and career began to take off, and interesting things happened in my love life. The range of men I attracted began to shrink, but they were all men of much higher level. The old boys disappeared, and I was left among a group of successful and confident real men. Love has become interesting.
My married friends will invite me to dinner just to hear about my latest dating adventures. My first date with my dear David was on a Sunday night, but just on the previous Saturday night, I also had the first date with another ideal David. My friends think that I am simply a "flower picker" because I can meet "Saturday David" and "Sunday David" in a single weekend.
On Monday morning, when my friends called and asked for a report on the results, I informed them that there will only be one David from now on. The secretary, who has been busy with my busy work and social schedule for many years, listened to it, and was also stunned: maybe I have found the person who can become the "Daily David" for the first time.
There are many benefits to being an older mother
My love with David has crystallized into two baby girls, who were born when I was 39 and 41 years old. Regarding being an older parent, Dr. Vicki Panaccione, a world-renowned parent-child expert, strongly summed up my feelings:
Young parents still have a lot to go through in life, so they may resent the restrictions and responsibilities imposed on them by having children. . Older parents are often better prepared to settle down and concentrate on enjoying the fun of parenting, without feeling that they "missed" other experiences. Their lives tend to be richer, and their experience of dealing with their spouse, their children, and life is generally more meaningful and positive.
Older parents tend to be financially more stable, feel more secure in their careers, and they have also completed school education. This often means that there will be fewer conflicts in time management, because they do not need to travel between school, home, and work. They may be able to retire earlier, or they may be able to have greater flexibility in their existing jobs, giving themselves more opportunities to live with their children.
Finally, older parents are often able to have a more stable marriage, because they have either been together for a long time, or when they met, they knew better what they wanted to find in their life partners. They may also be better at communicating with each other and understand the importance of compromise and consensus building. In the process of raising children, this is crucial-a stable parental relationship can make children feel safer. In addition, the feelings developed at a more mature stage of life tend to be more passionate... and a passionate partner will become a better parent!
Getting married early is the leftovers of the last century.
All the educated, talented and passionate young sisters, whether you go abroad or stay in China, you are the future of China. If you follow all the rules, you will also lose all the fun. Don't let anyone make you feel that you will become a less qualified member of society because you are free to live. So, get active and make all your dreams come true. You will also have everything. At that time, ladies, through your shiny case, you can show the society how to really live.
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