Yes, it’s only thirty, it will get harder and harder in the future

2020-08-22 04:42:33 movie 934℃

"The Great Mrs. Maisel" stills

know that you have read a lot of "Thirty Only" articles, but we are different, don't go!

went from "Thirty" to "Thirty Only". It sounds a bit comforting. It seems to be rectifying the name of thirty, but is age really just a number?

is not. What makes people worry and struggle behind age is real, it is the pain that everyone is experiencing.

Today we want to talk about the nature of age pressure from the perspective of psychological development.

There is a branch of psychology called developmental psychology, which mainly studies the psychological changes of people at different ages. Psychologist Erik Senri divides the social and psychological development of people into eight stages. At every stage of our lives, we will encounter a psychological crisis. If

survives the crisis smoothly, you will get the corresponding quality and enter the next stage with your "upgraded" self. And if you do not complete the topics at this stage, you will "get sick on the road" and you will have to "make up lessons" sooner or later.

Note: There are different versions of the specific age corresponding to each stage, so you don’t need to stick to the details. For example, the main task of infancy is to build trust. If it is successfully completed, you will gain trust and optimism. If this task is not completed, sequelae such as anxiety and lack of security may be left.

The main task of adolescence is to establish self-identity. If this task is not completed, it will lead to symptoms such as lack of self, confusion of roles, and purposeless life.

The subject of early adulthood is to build intimacy and the ability to gain love. If you fail to complete the task, you may become "incompetent in love", alienated from society, lonely and lonely.

Since every age group has a crisis, why is thirty years old so special? It's disturbing.

There was a very popular psychology book "The Great Me" last year, which can help us to understand and solve the crisis at different stages of life from the perspective of self-development. Today we take the early adulthood (25-35 years old) as an example to see what crises are mainly faced at this stage and how to spend the difficult moments of life.

: This book is comprehensive in content, clear in logic, fluent in writing, and good-looking when tested!

◆ amazing I

watercress Rating: 8.8

Author: Chenhai Xian
Press: Press

Taiwan Strait Publication year: 2019-10-23

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early adulthood core issues: the establishment of a close relationship

we are entering a single era, in terms of subjective or Objectively speaking, being single has become a global trend.

New York University sociology professor Crinenberg studied the global singles trend in the book "Single Society":

More than 50% of American adults are single , and 31 million of them live alone, which means almost One in seven adults chose to live alone.

In Sweden, Norway, Finland and Denmark, almost 40% to 45% of households are living alone .

30% of households in Japan live alone.

The countries with the fastest growing population living alone are China, India, and Brazil .
-Eric Crinenberg's "Single Society"

According to the Ministry of Civil Affairs, the number of single adults in my country reached 240 million in 2018, of which more than 77 million adults lived alone.

author: [US] Eric Kerry Nan Boge
Press: People's Literature Publishing House
Published: 2017-8

single corresponding here is not a marriage, but intimacy, marriage is just an intimate relationship Mainstream form. Not everyone needs marriage and is suitable for marriage, but everyone is afraid of being alone and needs love.

A person is always alone. We need to find a lover and overcome this loneliness by sharing ourselves with the lover.
-Chen Haixian's "The Great Me"

admits this premise, and then scribbles the sentence " is single for a while, has always been single ", do you feel three points of sincerity, three points of ridicule, four points of evasion and Helpless?

According to Eriksson's classification, the core subject of a person's early adulthood (25-35 years old) is to establish intimacy.

" The establishment of intimacy is an important milestone in self-development. This means that there are not only ourselves, but others in life. "

And stable intimacy can greatly help a person's mental health.

The famous psychologist and philosopher William James suffered from depression when he was young. He studied philosophy and thought of many ways to get rid of depression without success. In the end, it was his wife who saved him from depression.

When William James was 34 years old, William James got married, and his stable relationship allowed him to find inner peace. His academic career has also entered a productive period, and his thoughts and emotions have become more mature.

William James

Why does the establishment of intimacy affect the self so much?

Intimacy, on the surface, someone is accompanied and cared for. In fact, more importantly, in an intimate relationship, we can expose our own weaknesses and shortcomings. When these weaknesses are seen and accepted by another person, they are no longer the part that we strive to exclude. This also allows us I am more accepting of myself and more complete.

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Obstacles to establishing intimacy

However, establishing intimacy is a difficult process and many obstacles need to be overcome. In

"The Great Me", Chen Haixian pointed out that many people encounter obstacles in establishing intimacy because they cannot overcome three self-centered tendencies: is afraid of not being accepted, afraid of commitment, and afraid of being changed .

is afraid of not being accepted

To establish an intimate relationship means to entrust yourself, rely on and trust others. Trust means giving others the right to hurt themselves. Many insecure people will get stuck in this link. There is a case mentioned in the book

: a client who has been single for many years, she has always had a deep-rooted belief: that no one really likes herself. Every time she meets a new opposite sex, she will think: "Am I doing something wrong? Will he hate me?" If others like her, she will think: "He just hasn't seen me real On the one hand, once she understands the real me, she won't like me anymore."

In fact, what is so terrible about her so-called real self? It's nothing more than some small shortcomings that everyone has.

are afraid of promises

Many people are afraid of marriage and are afraid of establishing long-term intimacy because they are afraid of promises. They dare not confirm: Is this the person I want to be with forever? Could there be better?

"It's not that we find the right person before we make a promise. Many times, we make such a promise first, and this person becomes the right person ."

is afraidBeing changed

A person is really free. You can do whatever you want. In an intimate relationship, you need to accommodate and take care of others, you need to change yourself for the other person, and you are even afraid of losing yourself. These worries will make people feel somewhat when facing intimacy. Worries and withdrawal.

In fact, there is no definite and eternal self at all. My existence in our relationship with others is a process of continuous shaping and flow. Worrying about self being changed is also a kind of "ego."

In a sense, the establishment of intimacy means that our self is expanded, and the lover is an extension of our self.
-Chen Haixian's "The Great Me"

If these self-centered tendencies are not eliminated, it will be difficult to establish true and deeply accepting intimacy.

is like Zhong Xiaoqin and Chen Yu in "It's Thirty", they seem to be separated, indifferent and distant, and they are lonely in a pseudo-intimacy relationship. This kind of marital status is also very common in reality.

"Thirty Only" stills

"Because of loneliness, we need to be together; because of doubts, we can't really share our secrets with each other. As a compromise solution, we wear masks to each other and play a part together. Intimacy. In such a relationship, people pretend to be close, but they are lonely. Some will cheat, some will objectify each other, turning the relationship into a way to use, occupy, or find excitement. But inner emptiness and loneliness will Tell them that they have not completed the important tasks of life."

Therefore, from the perspective of psychological development, divorce, cheating, and frustration in close relationships cannot simply be attributed to "scumbags", "little three", "bad luck", etc., or because The missing subjects were not completed.

In this era, the relationship has become fast-food. We can retreat from a relationship at any time. This may be an improvement. It is always good to have a choice. But on the other hand, everyone is afraid to love, can't love, doesn't dare to invest, doesn't dare to promise, it seems free and easy, how can it be a kind of "love incompetence"? How do

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face the difficult moments of life?

Compared with other ages, the thirties do have special things: at this stage we often face many major transitions in life: marriage, childbirth, divorce, career bottlenecks, etc., each of which is stormy. To step over is to ride the wind and waves, but if you fail to step over, you will be shot dead. The three heroines in

"Thirty Only" are all going through this transition. Gu Jia was derailed, Zhong Xiaoqin was divorced, Wang Manni broke up. The life of a middle-aged person is like this, frantically testing on the edge of collapse.

What is the transition period in the psychological sense? In "The Great Me", there is a very apt description:

"The familiar old life has passed, and the new life you want has not yet arrived. You are left at the crossroads of the new and old, at a loss."

Painful, confused, anxious, and feel "stuck". From a development perspective, the transition period is also an important opportunity for self-growth.

For many women, divorce is such an opportunity. Losing a relationship means losing an old self and rebuilding a new self.

After the divorce, Luo Zijun in "My First Half of Life" moved from a full-time wife to the workplace, regaining his self-worth.

In "The Great Mrs. Maisel", after the divorce, Mrs. Maisel went all out to pursue her own talk show career and started a more exciting life.

"The Great Mrs. Maisel" stills

" At every transition period, we are renewing our understanding of the world and ourselves, and testing our will and spirit., Are adding new content to our self. Without these, the ego will become dull and tasteless . "

, the editor-in-chief of reading library (Zhang Lixian) recently wrote a "Thirty-five-year-old must die" series on the public account, sharing the mental crisis he experienced in his thirties.

"Thirty-five years old (someone It will be extended a few years forward or later), is the day of death.

The thirty-five-year-old death has two meanings. One is psychological death and mental stagnation.

Another kind of death is transformation and rebirth, breaking free from the old self, completing psychological reshaping and life reconstruction. "

"The Great Me", there is a similar description: " people are like some animals. After they grow up to a certain extent, they need to take off their original shells." This unpacking process is very painful, but essential . "

Take off the old shell to usher in a new life. Say goodbye to the old self and reconstruct the new self.

"The Great Mrs. Maisel" stills

Schopenhauer quoted Goethe in "The Wisdom of Life" A sentence in "True":

No matter what happens, everyone must eventually return to themselves.

Whether we are twenty, thirty, or forty or fifty, our pain and anxiety seem to come from age Stress comes from the self and the meaning of existence.

existential philosopher Kierkegaard said: There are three kinds of despair in life: not knowing that there is one, unwilling to have one, and not being able to have one.

don’t know that there is one , Is numb despair; unwilling to have oneself, it is despair to escape; not being able to have oneself, it is involuntary despair.

and self-fighting is a lifelong subject.