On an ordinary morning, the family living in 401 started a day of "strife".
The 9-year-old boy Yang Mo gets up, washes his face, brushes his teeth, and sits sleepily at the dining table to eat breakfast under the urging of his mother played by Li Sheng.
, under the advice of her mother, put on her schoolbag and prepared to go to school.
Tong Dawei, played by 's father Yang Yuan, in order to complete his private work, he didn't fall asleep until 3:30 the night before.
But Yang Mo never got in the car, so he just disappeared.
In an instant, the family fell into unprecedented panic and grief.
With the visit and reconnaissance of the police, the three families in the unit building were exposed to the world.
There are mothers who are tired of " chicken baby ", fathers who are busy with their careers and don't care about their daughters, and mothers who care about their sons.
Three families and three different education concepts have created children with three personalities.
And from these three families, I also saw a heart-wrenching truth that is often overlooked: In fact, all the problems of children are essentially problems with their parents.
The self-righteous love of parents
The easiest way to push children away
Mom Tao Fang runs a cosmetics store. She is busy every day and has little time to accompany her son.
At the same time, she had high hopes for her son and enrolled him in various cram schools.
Every weekend, Yang Mo is like a small spinning top, going to various cram schools.
Tao Fang believes that it is not important to accompany the child or not. The child's learning is checked by the teacher. As long as the parents work hard to make money, it is enough to provide the child with enough financial support.
She doesn't pay attention to her son's inner feelings, let alone understand his true thoughts.
Therefore, when the neighbor's car was scratched and Yang Mo was identified, Tao Fang asked his son to apologize without asking.
Her son loves dogs, but she turned a blind eye and forced her husband to send the dog away on the grounds of delaying his studies.
Compared with Tao Fang's "self-centered" love for his son, Yang Yuan is more willing to consider issues from his son's point of view.
He will question his son over and over again when he is accused of rowing a car, and he will believe his son and find evidence to make his son innocent.
He would take his son out to play for a while, even if he came home and was scolded by his wife.
But gradually, under the strong suppression of his wife, Yang Yuan compromised and began to go against his original intention of education.
He clearly promised his son that he would take him to B&B to watch the dog.
But when his son begged to go, he looked at his stern-faced wife, and could only say "next time".
shirk like this, from one weekend to the next, from one month to the next, from summer vacation to winter vacation.
Yang Mo also seemed to understand that Dad would never fulfill his promise.
was forced to be helpless and weak, so he could only shout in anger: "Dad lied!"
Since it was impossible to rely on adults, Yang Mo began to use his own strength to realize his wish. The
boy disappearance case began.
Yang Yuan's confession has this sentence:
"My self-righteous love is still pushing my children farther and farther."
In real life, there are many parents like Yang Yuan and Tao Fang.
They often say "I'm all for you"Good" is on the lips, but it is these "for your own good" loves that are torturing and hurting children.
Because parents don't understand their children's real needs at all, they don't love "where children need them".
Parents are self-righteous The love of the child is blind and predatory. It will cause pain to the child, forcing the child to resist, resulting in a situation where both parents and children will lose. Seeing the real existence of the child, discovering the real needs of the child, and helping the child realize his needs, this is true love.
The longer the parents stretch their hands, the more "waste" the child will be. He plays Yuan Wu, a young "waste wood" rented in Room 301. Even Wei Chen himself joked that his role was "the ceiling of the waste world". After the death of
's mother, Yuan's father took Yuan Wu to a place far away from home. Wherever they live, the two depend on each other.
Yuan Wu wears a suit and goes out with a briefcase every day. He seems to be working hard, but in fact he spends the whole day gambling in the nearby chess and card room. I can't hide my anger.
Yuan's father also told his son earnestly to stop gambling, and he can't just live on his pension.
Yuan Wu nodded in agreement, but there was no change in his actions.
After Yuan's father died suddenly after drinking, Yuan Wu was completely panicked. He couldn't imagine how he would live in the future if he lost his source of income.
So, he chose to keep his father's body in the bathroom. In the wall of the house, it is only for falsely claiming his father's pension.
is really creepy.
When he was dreaming at midnight, Yuan Wu also asked himself, he studied well since he was a child and graduated from a famous university, how can he play a good hand of cards What about sloppy?
He doesn't understand.
But we can find the answer from Yuan Wu's parents' educational methods.
Yuan's mother regards her son as a treasure, and has always sheltered him under her own wings.
She let her son "two I don't listen to things outside the window, and I only read the books of the sages." Yuan Wu didn't even have the opportunity to make friends, because Yuan's mother felt that it would delay learning.
Therefore, Yuan Wu has not been able to get along with people since he was a child, even with basic social skills. I have no strength, and I don’t even know the truth of living in the world.
After Yuan Wu was admitted to a famous university, Yuan's mother told him: You must make more friends when you go to university, and think about trying to please the teacher.
How can people who have been deprived of social opportunities since childhood have the ability to communicate?
Yuan Wu would not get along with his classmates when he was in school, and he would not get along with his colleagues even after entering the unit.
Even on blind dates, he followed his mother's rehearsal with him in advance. "My mother said" is what he said the most.
Under Yuan's mother's meticulous "love", Yuan Wu was developed into an out-and-out "mother boy".
However, no matter how warm and wide the mother's wings are, it is impossible to shield the child from the wind and rain.
After Yuan's mother died in a car accident, Yuan Wu's spiritual world collapsed.
Without his mother's pre-planning, he couldn't do anything.
In order to relieve the huge emptiness and sadness in his heart, he fell into the bad habit of gambling, lost his family wealth and separated his wife and children.
education expert Sun Ruixue put forward this point of view in the book "Love and Freedom":
The responsibility of parents is to useLove to provide a safe environment for children, but as for how to explore the world, that is the child's freedom.
Every growing child is eager to stretch his hands and feet and try to use his own strength to experience the joy of success. This is an inevitable law of life growth.
But if the parents arrange too much and interfere too much, it will destroy the child's exploration process and the process of the child's forming a sense of self-efficacy.
A child who lacks self-efficacy will be devastated by the twists and turns in life.
We often think of "doing" as love, but a lot of times, parents "do not do" is love.
In the emotional neglect of their parents
Excellent children will also decline
Xu Enhuai, a girl who lives in room 302, is well-behaved and sensible, excellent in character and study, and knowledgeable.
However, such an excellent child cannot enjoy the warmth of home.
's parents divorced when she was a child, she lives with her father and can hardly see her mother.
Dad was so busy with work all day that he never went to a parent meeting, and sometimes he couldn't even talk to her for a day.
She does laundry, cooks, and studies by herself. If she forgets to bring her keys, she can only sit on the stairs and do her homework while waiting for her father to come back.
The Yang Mo family lives upstairs. There are times of noise and sometimes laughter. The family can always gather around the dining table for a homely meal.
This ordinary family has become a light in Enhuai's heart, a light she especially wants to capture.
More than once, she called out from the bottom of her heart to be a part of that family.
At the warm invitation of Yang Mo, Enhuai cautiously walked into the home where she wanted.
There she ate the warmest and most delicious meal she had ever had in her life, feeling the joys and sorrows of a normal family.
In return, she helped Yang Mo with his homework.
As she went back and forth, she got along more and more well with the family, and the family gradually regarded Enhuai as a relative.
, especially Yang Mo, completely regards Enhuai as a real sister.
Yang Mo resented his father for not keeping his word, and decided to leave home to see the new born dog in the suburbs.
But he can't go out of school under the nose of his parents by his own strength alone.
So he turned to Sister Enhuai for help.
En Huaiming knew that it was wrong to agree to Yang Mo's request, but with his high IQ, he came up with a nearly perfect escape plan for Yang Mo.
This also directly led to Yang Mo's bizarre disappearance.
Because there is no emotional bond with parents, Enhuai has no idea how heartbroken parents are when they lose their children.
There is a term in psychology called "emotional neglect," which refers to a parent's failure to provide a child with the emotional support that it should.
This kind of emotional support means seeing, accepting, understanding the emotional needs of the child, and forming a stable and secure emotional connection with the child.
"Emotional neglect" is a subtle but pervasive harm.
For the growth of a child, it is not enough for parents to provide material support for food and clothing, but also emotional support from parents.
If parents ignore their children's emotional needs and lack the emotional connection with their children, no amount of material compensation can make up for the desolation and thirst for love in their children's hearts.
like child psychosisJ. Donald Winnicott once said:
"Raising a child to grow into an emotionally healthy adult who can form healthy connections with others requires a certain amount of emotional interaction, empathy, and constant attention from parents as Fuel.”
and without this necessary emotional connection, children feel empty inside, like they are missing something necessary, they struggle and struggle, but no one can see it.
The famous American family therapy guru Satya believes that everyone is inextricably linked to his family of origin, and this connection will affect his life.
Don't let the self-righteous love push the child further and further, understand the child's feelings more, walk into the child's heart, many problems will be solved easily; Go take it up, it should be the road the child wants to walk, let him go deep and shallow;
don't let "ignorance" lie between parents and children, communicate and listen more, and let the warm emotional light shine on In each other's hearts, become a solid support for children.
Only in this way can children grow up bravely and confidently into what they want and what we expect.
