Children are independent individuals and should have their own choices and life.
The love that you think is "good for you" is just killing the child's soul bit by bit.
——Deer Mom
Author | Qiqiqing Song
Source | Daughter Pie (Insight's account)
recently watched the Taiwanese drama "Your Child Is Not Your Child", in which the mother and daughter Jasmine in "The Last Day of Jasmine" The mode of getting along with each other makes people feel very heartbroken.
Jasmine is sensible and well-behaved, and has excellent grades. She has always been the pride of her parents and the people around her.
mother is gentle and elegant. She used to be a master in the United States. After having children, she chose to become a housewife.
is a perfect family on the surface, but under the calm surface, it is turbulent.
One night, Jasmine calmly walked to the balcony and jumped off.
sister Kelly is listening to a song, reading a magazine
completely not paying attention to what her sister Jasmine is doing
It turns out that my mother is a mother with a strong desire to control. In her life, she secretly installed cameras in every corner of the house, and her child's every move was under her watch.
While folding clothes in the bedroom
, mother observes her daughter
in the living room through the camera while she is studying. She has been asking Jasmine to stand out as a child since she was a child, otherwise she is "waste" and "promising", and her daughter is forbidden to participate in all activities unrelated to learning. It's "something that is not serious".
Even after Jasmine committed suicide, her mother still did not stop controlling her daughter.
She went to look through what Jasmine had left at school, looked for Jasmine’s psychiatrist, and authorized a researcher to extract Jasmine’s brain cells to reconstruct her daughter’s memories.
Until her mother saw herself in her daughter's eyes:
, a sentence she often said was: "If I hadn't had you, I would be a professor now."
is full of heavy and depressing.
Doesn't Jasmine's mother love her daughter?
of course not.
She has been responsible for her daughter for many years. The
daughter gave her a hairpin. While complaining about her daughter's misuse of money, she happily put it on and never took it off again.
But the problem is that when a mother puts all her love and expectation on her daughter, this love is too suffocating.
does not have a child who can bear the phrase "I am all for you".
When giving has become a kind of "moral kidnapping", when control is dressed "for you", this kind of love and giving has become a kind of disease.
The desire to control is the "ideal self" that parents project onto their children.
The American psychologist Evans once told a story. In front of the window selling ice cream, a mother and her daughter stood.
mother asked her daughter: "Which flavor do you want?"
daughter said: "I want vanilla."
"I think chocolate is better."
"No, I want vanilla."
"You You shouldn't want vanilla, I know you like chocolate."
"I want to eat vanilla now."
Finally, my mother sighed helplessly: Why is this kid so stubborn.
When Evans asked her mother "why do we have to let her daughter choose chocolate flavor", her mother said: "I think it is delicious, so I want to give it to my daughter. I love her so much, I just want to give her the best." "
is actually a child who likes to eat chocolate ice cream in her mother's heart.
So she projects her psychological needs onto the child.
Two years ago, an 18-year-old boy named Sun Anzuo claimed to go to school to shoot. Later, the US police found a pistol and 1,608 bullets. The
incident caused a bigPublic discussion. One of the focal points of
discussion is Sun Anzuo's mother's education method.
His mother is Taiwanese actress Di Ying.
Di Ying once revealed in the program that she strictly controlled her son's appetite since she was a child, and even spent seven hours a day watching his son eat.
Before graduating from elementary school, I never let my son go out alone, even in the convenience store at the door.
sets high standards and strict requirements on his son's studies.
still complains to the child at every turn: mother sacrificed everything for you, changed her work and rest, lost friends, and took care of you every day. How can you be worthy of me.
On the surface, Di Ying gave everything for her son.
But in fact, she just wanted to transform her child into what she wanted to be, but failed to become.
Di Ying made her debut at a young age. Before she graduated from elementary school, she came out to sing to make a living. She was often bullied and forced to grow into an aggressive personality.
But from the bottom of her heart, she hopes that she can be knowledgeable, have status, and be protected.
So, she has always cultivated children according to her ideal type.
Parents like Di Ying often fail to see the real existence of their children, and they don’t care what the children really want. They can only see the "ideal self" that they project onto their children.
A child who is forced to carry the ideals of his parents is like a bird with its wings cut off. It will never fly out of the cage of love .
The desire to control, let the child suffer from "hollow heart disease"
CCTV has spent ten years, polished out a documentary "Mirror". There is a "problem boy" Jia Ming in
.
Jia Ming’s father is the management of an enterprise. He has been in a bad family since he was a child. He has achieved today's achievements through his own struggle, so his biggest wish is that his son can stand out. The son of
bought a pet, and he lost it as soon as he returned home; the son of
wanted to ride a bicycle to a place farther away, but he resolutely opposed it before he finished speaking; son of
wanted to be a stray singer and backpacker, and he wanted to learn painting Painting, he said no, learning is the only way out...
For more than ten years, Jia Ming’s father has been desperately letting his children study and do what he thinks is right.
turned out to be an enemy, but turned his son into an enemy.
Jiaming only wanted "freedom". In the end, he didn't study in high school. He stayed at home all day to surf the Internet, play games, and even self-harm from time to time. On the first day when
was sent to the training camp, Jiaming fought with the instructor because he did not want to make the bed.
Perhaps the original intention of the parents is to protect the children and let them avoid detours, but they don't know that this kind of love also makes the children lose their freedom and self.
has a netizen who shared his story. When
was in middle school, she had a very good friend who gave her a lot of help. But because my friends did not get good grades, my mother said nothing to let them continue the relationship. Mother
kept peeking at her diary and said:
"You just think about this mess all day, so your grades are so bad."
Don't let long hair, don't wear suspenders, and don't let go out on weekends. play.
In short, everything that has nothing to do with learning is a monster.
It turned out that after she went to college, she realized that she had no social skills at all, and she didn't know how to get along with her partner when she was in love.
does things only with promise, sensitive and attentive, and often messes things up.
In fact, whether it is a rebellious Jiaming or a forbearing netizen, they have lost one of the most precious things:
independent soul.
psychologist Li Xue said:
“A body can only bear one soul. If the parent’s control is impermeable, the child is actually mentally dead.”
The controlled child has been pushed by his parents since childhood. Has long lost the motivation to move forward. In the end,
can only become a hollow person lacking a sense of value and meaning.
Seeing and accepting it is the only antidote
After Jasmine committed suicide, her mother tried to turn her little daughter Kelly into another Jasmine.
Once, Kelly rejected her mother's idea of asking the teacher to give her tutoring. Her mother was so angry that she accused her, and again mentioned:
"If I didn't give birth to you, I would also be a professor."
Kelly cried and asked her:
In many cases, disobedience, impulsiveness, slowness in doing things, and dislike of learning... What are the shortcomings of children in the eyes of parents that affect their children's growth?
still violates parents' expectations?
As parents, what we should do best is to strengthen ourselves, become a lush tree, and silently lead our children.
Instead of asking children to become their ideal appearance.
is like Gibran’s poem:
"Your children are not your children.
They are the children born of life's desire for themselves.
They came to this world with you, but they did not come because of you. What you can give them is your love, but not your thoughts, because they have their own thoughts.
What you can shelter is their body, but not their soul, because their soul belongs to tomorrow and belongs to your dreams. Unreachable tomorrow,
You can do your best to become like them, but don't let them become like you, because life will not retreat and will not stay in the past."
Because of love, it is to make your children themselves.
Every boy is a mother’s weakness and armor.
is a smart and gentleman who is well raised, and he is troublesome and laborious.
has all the dry goods about raising boys; we all understand the bitterness and sweetness of raising boys.
has a boy in the family, pay attention to insights under @boy派,
our story begins...
