Author: cloud water Zen (parents evolution writer)
recently, known almost on a questionnaire: "the end of the epidemic, who you most want to see?"
99% of parents answer is: teacher .
is no exaggeration to say that the epidemic is like a magic mirror, "parent-child war" day after day, no matter how patient parents are, they still complain. In the
community and in the circle of friends, "mother roars" can be seen everywhere.
Recently, time with my baby has increased day and night, and my patience has gradually been polished.
As long as he is not "behaved", we will immediately transform into "Hedong Lion Roar".
learning unconsciously-roar!
Half-hearted when learning online-roar again!
tutoring homework, slow to comprehend-continue to roar! Every time
"roared", I immediately felt refreshed, but when I saw the child's pitiful appearance, I blamed myself very much.
made up his mind many times to get rid of this problem, but when he saw him committing a "bear", he couldn't help it.
shouted at the child, regret, guilt, shout again, as if entering an endless loop. According to a survey conducted by
, nearly 90% of parents across the country have yelled at their children.
A certain elementary school in Hunan once left a summer homework that asked the parents of the whole class to challenge "21 days not to be angry".
As a result, none of the family challenges succeeded.
It can be seen that shouting at children is a very common phenomenon.
01
Don’t let yelling become a new kind of corporal punishment
But as a parent, every time you see a child that is not what you want, you can’t just leave it?
So, "yelling" became a natural means of education.
But for children, this may not be corporal punishment, but it is "heart punishment", it is a kind of mental abuse.
once watched a foreign video on the Internet and was shocked.
In a supermarket, his 16-year-old son is sitting at the cash register and playing games. When the owner of
saw this, his father was very annoyed.
didn’t ask any questions, took out a loaded pistol, put it in front of his son and shouted: “Don’t do business, just play games. If you have something to do, don’t live!”
's father may just want to scare the child. As we usually say, I will beat you if I don't behave.
Who knows that a terrible scene happened.
As soon as the father turned around, the son grabbed the pistol and pointed it at his head, pulled the trigger, and went limp on the spot.
The father rushed to his son, sitting really without vital signs.
He wailed and fell to the ground with regret. But no matter how much the sky grabs the ground, I can't get back to the sky. The
gun will not kill, it is the parents' excessive language that kills the child.
This may be an extreme example, but the educationist Yin Jianli once said: "The three-point temper that you give to your child will cause seven-point harm to the child." Many studies show that: long-term yelling at your child will not only cause parent-child relationship. The alienation will also prevent them from seeing themselves in a correct way. What is even more frightening is that in the long term, it will change the children's brain and affect their intellectual development.
Martin A. Teicher, an associate professor of psychiatry at the Affiliated Hospital of Harvard Medical School, has done more than ten years of research on "the harm of parents' verbal attacks on children". The results show that children who are often yelled by their parents will damage their brain structures.
includes not only the superior temporal gyrus area related to verbal IQ, but also the hippocampus, a key brain area for memory formation.
In addition, these children are more likely to have mental health problems such as depression and anxiety as adults.
In Teicher's view, he often suffers from parental verbal violence and the injuries caused by corporal punishment are no different.
For parents, it may only take a minute to yell.
But for children, the harm may last throughout their lives.
is confirming that sentence, the most hurtful thing is not the fist, but the tongue.
02
Don’t let the yelling fill up your child’s childhood
Hu Shi said in "My Mother": "The scariest thing in the world is a mother's angry face."
logically speaking, the mother should be the person the child is most willing to get close to.
Her voice and smile are also the most precious gift for children to remember.
However, what impresses an adult is the angry face when the mother yells, which can not but make people sad.
once saw a story shared by a netizen on Zhihu.
When he was very young, his mother always liked to speak in a loud voice, and her temper was so big that she cursed at every turn, and her speech was extremely harsh. What made him more afraid of
was that whenever his mother was in a bad mood, he had to be more "careful" in what he did.
will become her "punching bag" by accident.
Every time at this time, as long as he hears his mother's footsteps, he can tremble with fright.
Children’s memories of the great world begin with the most intuitive images.
Mother yelling, or a situation where she yelled for a long time.
will gradually be engraved in his heart and become his most important childhood memory.
Freud said: "All adult injuries are left in childhood."
Emotionally unstable parents are a disaster for their children!
There are studies that prove that children grow up in an emotionally unstable family environment.
Their own personalities will also become sensitive, their mood fluctuates easily, and they have a strong sense of self-denial.
And such sensitivity will always be hidden in their subconscious, along with their growth, affecting their character and life.
Zhang Ailing’s mother has a bad temper, and every time she is disappointed with her daughter, she will bark at her and call her "a pig and a dog."
will even yell without words when she is sick. She is a harmer, and she was born to harm others.
Because of these cruel reality, Zhang Ailing is under a lot of pressure, and she has been unable to be happy in her heart. The original family of
created her indifferent, arrogant, sensitive, quirky, and selfish character. A character like
makes her life full of sadness and helplessness.
Marriage is unfortunate, dare not to have children all his life, living alone in old age, died in a foreign land, no one around.
Bi Shumin, a well-known writer and psychologist, said in "Family Questions", I deeply believe that:
children who grow up in a chaotic and ugly atmosphere are the painful products of shoddy families.
The first experience they saw and got used to at home was broken, displaced, cruel and cruel. The childhood time of
is the most beautiful, but if the pictures of parents often yelling are added, this is equivalent to a horror movie.
will undoubtedly become a dark color that is difficult to erase in their growth.
Childhood, because of simplicity, it is easier to accept and learn, and will have a deeper memory of many things.
He is like white paper dyed with ink, one drop can be extremely conspicuous, and it will last forever.
If you love children, please stop this "screaming poison" immediately.
03
How to stop roaring, you need to learn to stop the "emotional switch"
There is a proverb: If roaring can solve the problem, the donkey will rule the world.
But sometimes I understand the truth, but whenever I see a child being disobedient, I can't control my anger.
is always unavoidable to yell at the baby in the end.
How to "quit roaring" and stop your "emotional switch" in time?
First of all, please abandon the usual excuses of yelling-"all for the good of the children".
This is really just a bad excuse.
After all, no matter how old a child is, she will never feel "good" just because the parents yelled.
For example, we often yell at them that they are slow in doing homework and unconsciously reading.
In reality, we see that these children have not improved much after being yelled at.
will not become "good" immediately as we expected.
So the truly wise parents will not just yell, but find a solution with him, and guide them with patience.
becauseTalent can't be screamed into your head.
can't teach good children with a whip, even more so with howling.
Next, find your emotional node.
The so-called "emotional loss of control" means the loss of the ability to control emotions artificially. The most important thing about how to "quit roaring" is to find the nodes that trigger your emotions.
Because once you exceed this "node", you will be unable to control your emotions within your own intellectual authority.
At this time, the anger will start to "run wild, see who is smashing whom.
At this time, your words and deeds will appear a kind of "crazy" state out of control.
For example, some parents will say that when I am most upset, it is me. The front feet clean up the room, and the child’s back feet immediately mess up.
At this time, I will definitely be tempted to shout at him!
Because the child gets dirty in the room, it will trigger the mother’s emotional "node". At this time
, if not properly controlled, the emotions will be Accumulation, burst out in an instant.
The old saying is good, and wise parents know how to control their emotions.
Finally, learn to build self-compassion.
Remember here, self-compassion is not an excuse for yourself.
is not what we often say "I was forced. I scolded him like this today because he pushed me into a hurry. "
is because when you make an excuse, you will yell at your child like this next time.
builds up self-compassion on the premise that you admit that you are wrong. For example: "I yelled at the child again today. It is wrong to do so." My pressure may be too great, I need to relax now. "
You need to find a way to improve. In this way, you have a direction for action and you will know what to do next.
But if the yelling has already happened, how do we apologize to the child?
Express your regrets to your children. For example,
can tell your children that I am sorry that your mother lost her temper to you today. I regret that this behavior made you sad.
Secondly, you must show your own responsibility.
can say: "Mom is wrong, I shouldn't yell at you, it's because I'm too tempered and feel guilty. It's my fault. "
Finally, give a specific remedy.
let the child know that you are working hard to let yourself, next time you stop yelling. For example,
tell your child that I will try my best to control my temper, finish my homework, and my mother will take you Go eat some desserts you like, okay.
Remember, these 3 points can be regarded as a sincere apology, and can remedy the harm caused to your children due to your roar.
04
The words of parents can be warm and cold. The wind is piercing. There is a term in social psychology called the "southern wind effect."
The harsh north wind blows out a biting cold wind. Who knows that pedestrians feel cold, but wrap their clothes tighter;
warm south wind blows out There was a slight breeze, pedestrians felt very hot, but took off their clothes.
was gentle and finally defeated the violence.
Our "roar" to our children is the north wind, and the "gentle and firm teaching" is the south wind.
is for ourselves In the future together with your children, please work hard to manage your emotions, and don’t let “yelling” lock your children’s heart.
Instead, let love flow, let children grow slowly in love, and learn to understand and tolerate themselves and Others.
is the life practice of parents without yelling or shouting.
Author profile: Yunshui Zenxin, author of the rich book column, signed author of the headline number of the parents' intensive reading department, student of the private education class of the rich book parent-child camp, I think so I am , Source of the article: Evolution of Parents (ID: bmjhlc), the copyright of this article belongs to Fushu, without authorization, no reprinting, infringement must be investigated, Fushu 2018 launched a new book "Good Life"
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