I was studying in Paris a few years ago and loved going to a cemetery called montparnasse. No particular reason, just beautiful. And some are still in the city center, like the parks on our side.
Later, when I posted the photo on the Moments, my parents saw it, and then I was told that I should not go to this kind of place and take pictures, don't you know I'm afraid!
Then I realized that even if they have a good degree, they are more sensible. Even have a certain ideological awareness.
But when it comes to "death", he still has a strong taboo.
For a long time, our culture is very taboo to talk about or contact death, think it is unlucky, and when it comes to "death", it will be considered a kind of "depressed word" and "must be pooh". When someone around me has passed away, they will only say vague words like "gone" and "gone". There can't even be a "4" floor on the elevator.
For example, the original short drama "Sanyue Has a New Job" at Station B, which has been very popular these days, also tells the story of a girl who was rejected because she became an mortuary, making people feel that she was "dealing with the dead" every day. According to a survey by
" Southern Metropolis Daily ":
Among the 300 parents surveyed, only 13.6% would answer their children's questions about death, while more than 60% chose to avoid it. rather than answer.
And I found that it is precisely because the matter of "death" cannot be said or thought that it is even more frightening. Because it demystifies a normal thing.
By itself there is nothing we can do about death, and it will come. Plus can't say, can't think. So it became a matter of no way, no communication, no exit.
so it's like a black hole, is forever hidden in the dark, waiting to devour us.
At this time, some people, such as me, will have sweaty palms, dizziness, chest tightness, insomnia and so on.
People call this state "death anxiety."
What's interesting is that psychologists have been studying the effects of "death" on our lives.
Until I came across a book called "Fear of Death" with a subtitle called "The Drivers of Human Behaviour". Psychologists like
believe that almost all behaviors of people are driven by fear of death. After watching
, I was greatly inspired. I think it cured my death anxiety to a great extent. In the past, when I saw the death of the people around me, I would think, it's over, I'll have this day too. Now I'm thinking, ok, I know how I'm going to live.
is such a clear shift. If you have this problem too. Then look down.
Psychologists have done a series of experiments, one of the more famous ones is:
They hired some judges. into two groups. One group is normal. Another group of judges had them read something about death before they made their sentence. These thoughts lingered in their minds when putting them to work. There is even some death anxiety.
Here we want to say that judges are generally more objective. One is one, two is two. In the face of the same case, different judges' sentences will not be very different.
so it's a good subject to experiment with.
then let these judges try the same case. The final result of
found that the group of judges who did not expect death was a normal sentence.penalty. The judges who thought of the death group's sentence were nine times the normal rate.
In other words, when doing something, the thought of death will subtly influence our behavior to a large extent.
There are many similar experiments, such as smoking more violently when thinking of death, driving faster, etc.
Of course we don't have the conditions to do these experiments for ourselves, but we can simply imagine it.
If you are going to die tomorrow. Will your behavior be different today than usual? I believe it must be different.
may be exaggerated, but it is also the truth.
Well, when it comes to this, we will be surprised to find that, knowing this truth, it seems that it is useless. . .
So psychologists continued to explore and found that in the process of evolution, we gradually developed two sets of psychological mechanisms to deal with death anxiety, which are also the core content of this book.
this will work. Because these two sets of psychological mechanisms are really things that can make our lives better.
are:
1 Self-esteem
2 Cultural worldview
Let me explain. Why
is self-esteem.
You see, we often say things like this in our lives: "I'm not very good, I just don't live anymore".
"If you can get this award, it will be worth dying"
"If he breaks up with me, I will die"
"If you don't get married again, I will not feel at ease"
Although the last part of the sentence is a joke . But the reflection behind this sentence is that the previous matter is extremely important to him.
And the essence behind this is the source of his self-esteem.
may be a bit of a twist.
For example, "If he breaks up with me, I will not live"
On the surface, it seems that she needs a certain lover. In essence, what she needs is intimacy.
You may think that if you don't fall in love, it won't involve life and death. Hey, that means your self-esteem isn't coming from here. But some people love others even when they die.
I guess someone might say that money is what I want most.
Is money a source of self-esteem?
is actually not most of the time.
Because money is really just a tool for our self-esteem. In other words, if you have money, what do you do with it, this is probably the last thing that is linked to self-esteem.
For example, when some people have money, they go to charity. Helping others is the source of his self-esteem. Of course, some people buy a good car when they have money, and the recognition and envy of others is the source of their self-esteem.
So, if he just needs the approval and envy of others, of course it is good to have money, but if he has no money, he can also achieve it by obtaining other achievements.
In short, self-esteem often reflects what everyone thinks is the meaning and value of their life.
So, self-esteem is what you want to be.
The more decent you live, the higher your self-esteem and the more indifferent you will be in the face of death. The less you live, the lower your self-esteem, and the more anxious you are in the face of death.
There is also such a situation, some people, he will act indiscriminately. anti-social.
Don't they know they'll be punished for doing this? Actually they all know.
Then why do it?
Research shows that not everyone with low self-esteem willGo sociopath, but every sociopath has low self-esteem.
Because he has no achievements in life, no one pays attention to him and appreciates him, so in order to prove himself, in order to be able to "stand up", he goes to indiscriminate murder. It can give them self-esteem.
So you see, these people, even in death, have to gain self-esteem.
Conversely, if you gain self-respect, it's okay to die.
This also brings up an important point - the higher the level of self-esteem, the easier it is to not be afraid of death. But the more afraid of death, the higher the self-esteem tends to be. Because of the powerlessness in the face of death, we need to use the matter of living out the meaning and living in place to counteract it.
Well, some people may not know how to judge the source of their self-esteem.
has a very simple method. Just to answer a question - if you were going to die next year, what would you do now?
For example, some people are going to suffer from the world, some people say they want to stay with their relatives, some say they want to confess, and of course some people say they want to do things that have never been done before, such as racing cars, skydiving, Like...
no matter what it is, it is always something that must be done. If you don't do it, you will die.
, this is essentially an exclusion method.
When the time of death was approaching, we knew what that thing was.
In other words, , when people have death anxiety, is actually forcing us to think, since people are inherently mortal, how can we make our own death relatively less regretful and unwilling?
The answer most people will come to is that the less regret I live, the calmer I will accept death.
The more dignified I live, the more I will believe that my death is dignified. There is a similar plot in
"Sanyue". The heroine started out as a rotten young man who had a bad relationship with her family and didn't want to work hard. At one point I thought about suicide. In the beginning, he was very repelled from the job of an undertaker. At one point I wanted to give up. But under the guidance of her master, she understood that this was not a "dirty" job. On the contrary, it was a noble job. They let the deceased go through the last journey of life with their families in the most dignified way. . This process largely determines the living conditions of the living.
Gradually she realized that although the salary was not high, it was a job that would give him self-esteem.
She began to feel that her life had meaning, and she changed from being afraid of death to being able to accept death more calmly.
So on the surface this is a youth healing short drama, but the screenwriter is very clever, and presented this ultimate proposition of mankind in a relaxed way.
is worth a look.
Well, now we should understand how important self-esteem is in the face of our death.
But let me remind you. Pursuing self-esteem on a single dimension is also a dangerous thing.
For example, a person can play the piano very well, and the source of his self-esteem is winning the national championship. That's in case he doesn't win a national championship. He can't gain self-esteem.
This is a kind of bullshit.
So, we want to widen the dimension of the source of our self-esteem.
You can't just think about winning the championship. . . Runner-up too.
or get a PhD, donate a coin or something. . can be a source of self-esteem.
Then let's talk about what is a cultural worldview.
For example, we often hear old people say that as long as their children can live well, they can leave in peace.
It stands to reason that whether the children live well or not, and whether they leave with peace of mind, objectively these are two independent things.
But psychologically, this bond is really powerful.
My sons and daughters live well, this is a feeling that someone is living for me in this world. It is a spiritual sustenance.
And once you have this kind of psychological sustenance, death doesn't seem so scary.
People are afraid of death, and to a large extent they are afraid of a kind of unknown and nothingness - it is difficult for us to imagine what is going on in the so-called "after death", the body disappears, the consciousness dissipates, and the whole person does not exist. ......
just this kind of imagination is scary enough, and it will make people fall into an extreme sense of "meaningless".
So those widely circulated philosophies and religions try to answer this question, what is death and where do we go after death?
Christianity believes that as long as you believe in God, you will go to heaven and live a happier life after you die.
Buddhism believes that after death, there is another reincarnation, and there is an afterlife, and you can live again.
In Heidegger's philosophical view, death is a part of life, so there is nothing scary, just like a book has a front cover and a back cover, the back cover is no more terrible than the front cover.
Socrates believed that death is only the disappearance of the body, but the immortality of the soul and the immortality of the spirit.
Yes, it may sound false, you will say, I don't believe it.
Yes, because you don't believe it, you are afraid of death.
But a person can believe from the bottom of his heart that when a person dies, he goes to heaven, and heaven is a beautiful place.
Is he still afraid of death?
As long as the faith is strong enough, there is no such fear. Death is not much different from traveling.
You said, oh my, isn't this deceiving yourself?
is indeed deceiving himself, but you cannot deny that deceiving yourself will make you feel better.
If you have to understand it, any cultural worldview is, after all, a placebo, and I don't think there is anything wrong with it.
Of course, a cultural worldview doesn't have to be just religion and philosophy. Just these are best understood.
Another example is the belief that science can also be a cultural worldview. Isn't
cryonics now? Hey, when people are about to die, freeze them first. Wait until the technology develops in the future, and then thaw it out.
But someone told him that he will be able to defrost successfully in the future?
not.
At the end of the day, it's a placebo for those who are frozen. a sustenance. Although it looks very scientific.
But he is essentially no different from believing in the existence of heaven.
So anything, even tiny things, can be a cultural worldview.
For example, when we were young, adults would say that after death, people will actually look at you from the sky and continue to bless you. In a few decades, you will meet again in another world.
We will probably still feel some kind of solace.
Another example is when the judge above judged the case, why did the judges who were implanted in the matter of death make a punishment that is 9 times higher than usual.
For prisoners, those who disrupt order and justice. Just follow the rules as usual. But when death is ringing in their minds, they will hate these prisoners even more.
inspired their cultural values - that is, punish evil and promote good.
Conversely, punishing evil and promoting good also propped them up against the fear of death.
includes a very touching passage I saw in "Sanyue", a boy who is about to die and wants to bury the cemetery next to his sister who died before him. Because of his son, his sister was abandoned by his parents since he was a child. PlaceTherefore, he hoped that in the future, when his parents visited his grave, he could take a look at his sister more. That way he can walk in peace.
This is a cultural worldview. Pay attention to the dead sister, and make up for it, so that he can die in peace.
includes that we will pay homage to our ancestors on specific festivals, offer them flowers, tributes, talk to them in front of tombstones, imagine that they can still hear and see us, and the logic behind it is similar.
is a way to soothe your own death anxiety and pain.
We would rather believe that the deceased can exist in another way, just as we would rather believe that we can continue to exist after our own death.
When most people face death anxiety, either seeing or hearing about someone else's death or thinking that they will die one day.
will have 2 sets of coping mechanisms.
's recent single, close-end defense: as we said, taboo, don't talk about it, and we have to blah blah blah. Or just divert your attention and go happy when you think of it. Are these useful? Of course it works.
But what we just said about self-esteem, and cultural worldview, this is the far-end defense.
's near-end defense at best makes you feel better in the moment, but it doesn't counteract the fear of death from a deep level.
to gain self-esteem, especially multi-dimensional self-esteem, and choose the correct cultural worldview to believe. Not only does it allow us to combat death anxiety, but even the death of those around us. And, it's strong. It's long, just don't get too hung up.
Of course, either way, can we really get rid of death anxiety for good?
I don't think it's possible because man is the only creature capable of thinking about the past, present, and future. Animals are different, although they also feel scared. For example, if you train your dog, he knows that you are angry, and a beating is inevitable.
Humans are born with the ability to think about the future, but at the same time, it also makes us fear the powerless thing that the future is about to die.
We cannot help thinking about the future, but thinking about the future extends to the extreme, that is, thinking about death.
So inevitably, there will be death anxiety.
It's hard to say whether this is a good thing or a bad thing. As human beings, our most proud thinking ability also brings us the deepest and most insoluble anxiety and panic.
But like the focus of this issue, we have evolved two sets of psychological mechanisms in the face of death anxiety.
They make us want to live a better and more valuable life as much as we fear death.
Every time death anxiety strikes, it reminds us that in the future, how should we live to be more happy and have no regrets?
Even many times, this fear of death can help us solve the troubles in our lives.
Would you like to do a job you don't like?
Do you want to marry someone who doesn't love enough?
Do you want to humiliate yourself in order to please others?
Do you want to give up your dreams and beliefs and live as you hate?
Faced with these seemingly difficult questions, we may try to ask ourselves one more question: Before
do this, will I have any regrets on the day I die.
If we still have a lot of time between now and death, how should we go about gaining our self-esteem.
At this time, maybe you will find that the ultimate fear of death in gives us the ultimate courage and strength.
Since life is too short, let's just fight for the day.
