"Take the Dragon and Tell the Empress Dowager Zhao" said: "Parents' beloved sons are far-reaching plans." So, what is far-reaching plan?
For the prestige of Chang'an Jun, the Queen Mother Zhao cut down and sent him to Qiguo to be a proton.
In order for the descendants of Empress Yan to become king one after another, Empress Dowager Zhao endured her thoughts and prayed that her daughter would not be sent back.
Therefore, the parents who really plan for their children at are good at tolerating , enduring reluctance, enduring worry, and letting their children go on their own.
01 Visionary parents are good at tolerating children.
When several guests talked about the parent-child relationship in the latest issue of The Round Table Pie, the guest Zhou Yijun said: "What I am most grateful for my parents is that everything they do to me is the same. One word: endure. "
As a native Shanghai girl, Zhou Yijun applied for colleges and universities in Beijing when she graduated from high school to apply for a volunteer. As the only student in the school to apply for a non-local volunteer, her parents were naturally unhappy, but did not force it. put one's oar in. After
graduated, she didn't return to Shanghai, but stayed in Beijing to work. Although her parents wanted her to go back, they didn't interfere forcibly, but did not say anything.
Later, she became a war correspondent and was based in Gaza. She experienced the Gaza war firsthand. As a parent, she was naturally worried that her daughter was in a war-torn foreign country. However, they did not force her daughter to give up her job as a journalist, but silently endured her worries.
Zhou Yijun said that his parents will endure many things for themselves throughout their lives, even if they are reluctant in their hearts, they will not forcibly interfere with their work and life.
Zhou Yijun's parents' "forbearance" is not unprincipled indulgence, but a "far-reaching plan" in the true sense.
According to parents' ideas, living a life of stability and happiness may not be a good choice. Allowing children to live their lives according to their own wishes is really good for him.
Far-sighted parents are good at tolerating children, holding back anxiety, reluctance, and worry, and quietly watching their children go away.
02 Foresighted parents, who are good at not disturbing their children
psychological counselor Ling Xiang shared one thing in "Psychology That Good Mothers Know": Handicraft activities are organized in the mall, and many mothers take their children to participate.
A When mothers and daughters do handicrafts, every step the girl does, her mother can't help but give guidance. Where to post and how to post, you have to do exactly what your mother said. If a girl posts a mistake, her mother will let her go back to work. In the end, the girl simply stood by and let her mother do it herself.
The mother and daughter's final handmade product is very beautiful and has been praised by everyone, but the daughter is depressed.
On the other hand, mother and daughter B, the mother sits aside, and the daughter helps her if she needs help, and stays with her if she doesn't need to. In the end, the daughter finished the handmade products alone. Although it does not look very exquisite, the daughter is very happy.
Many parents are like the mothers of mother and daughter A. They are always worried that their children will not do well, so they can't help disturbing and guiding their children.
Parents always feel that they have traveled more bridges than their children have traveled, enough to be their children's life mentors.
But children may need to be respected more than being taught. Tracy Hogg said in "The Secret of Infant Language": "Respect the child, even if he is just a baby."
Visionary parents will respect their children's personality and let them grow up freely.
Foresighted parents will help their children in time when they need them, and they will step back when they don’t need them.
03 Farsighted parents, good at endure not to replace their children
"Let children learn to think" said: "Relieve the trap: Parents solve problems for their children."
Many parents feel distressed when their children are in trouble, so Can't help but help the child solve the problem.
Yin Jianli shared the story of her daughter Yuanyuan in "A Good Mother Is Better than a Good Teacher". The daughter Yuanyuan didn't do homework because she was lazy. Yin Jianli and his wife were anxious in their eyes, but they endured it and did not remind their daughter.
It was not until before going to bed that Yuanyuan realized that her homework had not been written yet, and thought that she would be criticized by the teacher if she could not finish her homework the next day.She cried anxiously.
looked at her crying daughter, they suppressed anxiety and comforted her. Finally Yuanyuan endured her sleep and insisted on finishing her homework.
Many parents encounter this situation, and when they are anxious, they can't help but blame their children and even help them with homework. parents always save their children, which actually deprives them of the opportunity to solve problems independently.
Teacher Yin Jianli could not remind her not to complete the homework for her daughter, but let her learn to arrange the time. Mr. Chen Heqin, the educator of
, said: Whatever the child can do by himself, let him do it himself.
Visionary parents will let go in time and let their children solve problems alone.
Visionary parents treat their children as independent individuals. Even if they disagree and worry about their choices, they will give their children the respect and choice they deserve.
As Huang Lei said in "The Longing for Life": " she does not belong to me, and we are independent individuals. I will not impose my will on her . What I want to do is, Teach her that this is right and that is not right. If she doesn’t want to do something, then she must bear the consequences of not doing something and be responsible for herself."
04 Foresight parents are good at not interfering with their children
In "Huanxi" Yingzi wanted to apply for Nanda, but her mother Song Qian refused. In order to prevent Yingzi from enrolling in Nanning University, Song Qianxiao used affection to reason, and even used the emotional blackmail method of "one cry and two troubles". When Yingzi collapsed and jumped into the river, she couldn't help but ask: "Why do you have to take the entrance exam to Nanda?"
Fortunately, Song Qian finally woke up and stopped interfering with Yingzi, and Yingzi went to Nanda as his wish.
However, real life is much crueler than TV dramas.
knows that netizens forgot the lyrics and shared their own story: Since I was determined to study medicine since I was young, I heard that the Peking University Medical Department is very good, so I secretly vowed to apply for the Peking University Medical Department.
I told my parents to take the admission to Beijing Medical University when I was planning to volunteer in my senior year. My mother started to work with the class teacher to persuade me that my grades are not good and don't waste time. Looking at me who was so obsessed, she specifically sought out the vice-principal who was in charge of applying for the exam to persuade me, but I insisted on applying for Beijing Medical University, and finally even kowtow to my mother in public, begging her to agree.
Mom agreed, but secretly changed my wishes. In the end, the results came out and passed the score line, but the volunteers were altered by my mother.
didn't go to the university in my mind. I started to go to university, postgraduate entrance examination, work, and civil service examinations in a muddled life. I saw the end of my life at a glance. It was really boring.
Bi Shumin once said: “I think it’s not wrong for some parents to design the path of life for their children, but the children have the right to choose other paths. When the children and their parents have disagreements, the children’s choice should be respected and the family environment should not be allowed. It has deteriorated to the point where it is hopeless."
Knowing that the answering mother's mother wanted her child to have a safe life, so she helped him change his wishes. The seemingly far-sighted behavior is actually very short-sighted, because she deprived the child of the opportunity to choose life alone.
A life that cannot be chosen alone, even if it is a colorful life, it is not worthy of being appreciated.
, when she talked about raising her son, Chen Meiling, a PhD in Education, said: , don’t make choices for your children . If you are really good to your child, you should treat your child as an independent individual and allow him to make choices freely according to his own ideas.
Therefore, far-sighted parents will not interfere with their children's life choices. Faced with their children's life choices, they may disagree, but they will not insist on opposing them.
05 Good parents, always have a sense of measure
In the movie "Love, Simon", Simon, a 17-year-old high school student, after discovering that he is a gay, chose to hide all this because "it would be terrible to announce to people his attributes, in case everyone doesn't I like what I do." At the same time, he was also afraid that his parents would not accept it.
Due to accidental reasons, Simon was announced by a malicious classmate of his homosexuality and exposed his chat history with his online friends of the same sex.
Simon, who was exposed to his homosexuality, chose to come out to his family. Home that was initially shockedPeople accepted this fact after thinking about it.
Simon’s mother said to him: " being a comrade is your business, and there are some things you can only go through. When you first came out, you said, Mom, I’m still me. I need you to hear this too. Then, you are still you, Simon, you are still the son I like to tease, your dad’s helper in everything, and the brother who always praises his sister for making delicious things. You can be more like yourself than you before, you It's worth having everything you want."
Faced with a gay son, Simon's parents did not get frustrated, nor did they forcibly interfere. Instead, they supported the son to be himself.
Foresighted parents will let their children decide their lives on their own. Even if they take detours, they will not intervene. They know that only by experiencing it first can they really understand life.
Perhaps parents understand life better than children, but children understand what they want better than their parents.
The best parents have always been measured and able to give their children more and better, but always restrained and reserved.
The life of a child is always his life. Parents can only guide, not manipulate.
As Bi Shumin said:
"A child's life has its own trajectory,
should bear, and experience,
, he should have a complete experience."
