1
asked :
Uncle Feng, I found that I and the people around me have different opinions on many things, and I care about their opinions and the evaluation of me by others. I feel a little conflicted, but I don't know how to deal with this conflict, which makes me feel uncomfortable. I would like to ask Uncle Feng, what should I do? Do you have any good suggestions?
Feng Lun:
Your question reminds me of a past event. Almost ten years ago, I once went to South Korea for a business trip and was actually complimented by the receptionist because of my dress. Although I usually dress more casually, I was attending a business event, so I wore a custom-made suit, which was a little more dressy and well-accessorized. Unexpectedly, during the chat, the receptionist praised my clothes and said that I had never seen a Chinese entrepreneur dress so well.
later learned that many of the Chinese entrepreneurs and bosses they had received were not very particular about their clothing. But Koreans are very particular, which makes our entrepreneurs look a little "greasy". When I arrived that day, they suddenly discovered that a Chinese chairman had arrived. He was well-dressed and he didn’t look like the “landlord and old man” in their impression. In their words, he “felt like a scholar”, so they gave me A little encouragement.
I felt quite happy at the time, and then I discovered that life is also like this. Self-identification, thinking that this thing is right, is called self-awareness; other people's evaluation is society's understanding of you. It would be particularly good if these two cognitions coincide. However, if you think you are right and everyone scolds you and says you are wrong, if you scold you too much, you will also have doubts and start to feel confused and miserable.
People actually have three faces: the first is called "self", which is the face I see myself in; the second is called "other me", which is what others see me as; the third is called "desire me". It's what I want my future to be like.
Everyone uses the face of "self" to face the "other and me" recognized by society, and then moves closer to the "desired self". , then "future me" is the gap between "the me as perceived by society" and "the me as perceived by myself". For example, if I think I am okay, but everyone says I am not, then I will work hard and finally become Even better, this is an improvement.
However, when self-perception and social cognition are distorted, people will be very painful.
There is such a story: There was a woman, everyone thought she was a very nice person, very upright, and a good family woman. But one day, I was passing by the entrance of "Heaven and Earth" in Beijing, and I suddenly wanted to make it easier. "Heaven and Earth" didn't charge admission, so I went in. Unexpectedly, I was seen by an acquaintance when I came out. An acquaintance told others that this person is now a bad student and has gone to work in "heaven and earth". Word spread, so she was talked about wherever she went.
Her husband found out and asked her what bad things she had done recently? Why go to "Heaven and Earth"? Who would believe that a decent woman went there to use the toilet, so the couple started to quarrel. She couldn't explain it clearly. There was a huge conflict between self-perception and social cognition, which made her very painful. She even wanted to commit suicide to prove her innocence. The grievance was so great that she wanted to die to express her innocence.
People cannot just think of "die" when something happens. Everyone will inevitably encounter a huge gap between self-awareness and social cognition, and it will be very painful. then what should we do? You have to make "self-awareness" particularly strong. For example, when we do business, we need to be confident, that is, if I think something is right, then I should be firm in my opinion. Jack Ma said, "We want to make it easy to do business in the world." He thinks this is right. No matter what anyone says or how society perceives it, he always thinks it is right. He will not be concerned about the differences between these two perceptions. Disparity and pain, people like him are always happy.
2
asked :
How can we have such a strong self-awareness and make ourselves less uncomfortable?
Feng Lun:
I think a very important point is repeated hints.
Some people who are particularly devout to certain religions will read a book every day for a lifetime, with constant hints and reinforcements, and their self-awareness will become very strong and they will be happy. This is the result of training.
In the same way, you must also have very strong confidence in the things you are engaged in and your own concepts, and you must repeatedly hint to yourself. In this way, you can resist all criticism from the outside and be happy.
If you don't do this, you will be easily affected by the environment and interfered by others. Not only will your personal life be in a mess, but you will also be unlikely to do well in your work and career.
Take business as an example. If we don’t have this kind of strong self-confidence, suddenly one day, a few investors will come and do their homework, or even send a few children to pretend to go around and say, "Your model is wrong, that "The model doesn't work" and "You should do this" will soon confuse you, and then you will be distressed, "I have been doing it wrong for a long time?" If this is the case, it will become more and more difficult to do business.
Those who can really get things done are usually very determined about what they do. Keep hinting to yourself and using very strong "self-awareness" to keep yourself going. This is what Su Shi said, "Those who accomplished great things in ancient times not only had extraordinary talents, but also had perseverance."
Secondly, read more, especially books on history and philosophy. .
Sometimes, our career is not big enough, our position is not high enough, and we do not have enough money in our pockets, but through a lot of reading and rich experience, we can see things clearly, see things clearly, and see things through.
We often say that humans have been on the earth for tens of thousands of years. In human history, many things are actually repeated, but the form is constantly changing. After reading a lot of history and understanding these repetitions, you can understand why it is said that "there are no new topics in front of history. In fact, the stories of the world have not changed for thousands of years. They are all the same story, but they have changed." "Character."
When you read a lot of history, your mind will become bigger and you will be able to see through many things. As a result, you will have confidence in what you do, your attitude towards life, and your life choices. In this case, you will have more confidence to tolerate others. Whether others scold you or praise you, you can understand it and take it calmly.
And philosophy studies the universal laws of human beings. Philosophy, as well as books that talk about the laws of social development, can help us establish a broad vision, or in other words, improve our structure.
In short, the more you read, the wider your interpretation of the world will be. The more you experience and see, the more you understand that you can hold anything in your heart, so the things at the moment become smaller and your heart becomes bigger. In this process, has established a strong self-awareness, and the so-called "big picture" has emerged.
