TiKong Characters in this Issue
■ "True love is respect, unconditional, non-judgmental, non-harmful, encouraging and supportive. If someone says they love me, but does not have the above elements, I Don't be afraid of . "
"Youth is like the early spring, like the morning sun, like the sprouting of a hundred flowers, like the new hair of a sharp knife, it is the most precious period of life, with fresh and lively cells in the body."
- This is the launch speech of "New Youth" written by Mr. Chen Duxiu a hundred years ago. It is a constant reminder to young people in an era of materialistic desires and diverse concepts.
Nowadays, when we mention the word youth, the words that often come to mind are: hard work, vitality, and a new era. Yes, "youth" seems to have become the backbone of cultural inheritance, the pioneers and founders of the times. Therefore, youth education is particularly important.
has specially planned "Ti Kong Characters" as the May 4th Youth Day approaches. Listen to the stories of three "educators" and gain insights into the wisdom and soul of the educators. Let us continue to challenge ourselves, surpass ourselves, and have unlimited possibilities.
In this issue of "Titanium Characters" we would like to introduce to you the outstanding American psychologist and educator - Jane Nelson.
"Titanium Sky Characters"
Outside of Greenwich Mean Time, should everyone have a period of "Titanium Sky Time" that belongs only to them? And during this period of time, among the unyielding perseverance, ordinary ingenuity, agile wisdom, and thorough peace... there is always one of you who is trapped in time.
"We cannot have a hundred lives, but we can get to know a hundred souls."
Establish a new way of thinking, open up a new vision, open a new life, and another possibility for the hesitating self Sexual life encounter! Find the "optimal solution" for your own world!
She got married before she was 20 years old. Because she got married early and gave birth to a child, she had no chance to go to college, but the marriage still ended in divorce.
She remarried with a child and gave birth to three more children. She still failed to meet the right person and got divorced again. At this time, she was over 30 years old and was dragging 5 "oil bottles".
At the age of 33, she started her third marriage. This time, they have been together for 47 years and are still in love with each other.
Now she is not only a PhD in educational psychology, a mother of 7 children, and a grandmother of 22 children, she has also published many educational books and has become the idol of many mothers around the world. She is the founder of positive discipline - Jane. Nelson. Perhaps we can glean some effective educational insights from her parenting experience.
Be a "mirror" to your children
Raising children is a hard work, let alone a single mother. Many people would say that having a baby means saying goodbye to study, but Jane Nelson believes that it is never too late to do anything as long as you want to.
When Nelson had her first child, she was just starting college and was too young to think about parenting. She didn’t even think about how to raise them. At that time, she started to study for an undergraduate degree, but because she had to take care of her children, she had limited time, so she chose to attend classes for half a day to one day a week on average in the evenings after get off work or on weekends, and she persisted. In 2011, when I had my fifth child and was already in my 30s, I got my undergraduate degree.
Picture source: unsplash
This was not enough. She continued to study for a master's degree and gave birth to her sixth child during this period. Ten months after giving birth to her youngest daughter, her seventh child, she decided to study for a Ph.D. and spent another After three and a half years, I got my degree by the time I was in my 40s.
This learning path that should have been completed in her 20s took her more than 10 years. Although during this period, she almost gave birth to a baby every two or three years, pregnancy and breastfeeding did not stop her from studying diligently.
She once shared an experience of studying at that time: she was pregnant at the time, already in her 9th month, and needed to go to school.Because she was afraid that she would go into labor suddenly and not be able to go to the hospital in time, she prepared an emergency delivery equipment in the car. She went to class, and her husband was waiting for her in the classroom next to her. After the birth, she would take the baby out, and her husband was waiting next door, and she came out during the break. Feeding, then continuing to class after feeding...
This experience is really an inspiration. Her continuous learning is not just to improve herself. In Nelson's view, education requires precepts and deeds, and parents need to continue to learn a lot. Because children are a mirror of their parents, reflecting your image. Everyone wants to see the various excellent qualities and positive energy of the person in the mirror, and children will also see what they need to learn from their parents. From a certain perspective, the process of raising children is also to allow parents to become better versions of themselves.
Don’t be the “master” of your children
A series of major social changes that have occurred since the mid-20th century are the direct cause of this change, and the most important reason is that today’s children no longer have role models for obedience and obedience. In the past, obedience was ubiquitous, with dads complying with bosses who didn't agree with them in order to avoid losing their jobs. Minorities are relegated to submissive roles at the expense of human dignity.
In a dictatorial society, the ruler is the master and has the power to make people submit. But in a society where everyone has a sense of equality, we cannot control and order others. Therefore, the husband loses his right to rule over his wife, and the parents lose their right to rule over their children. This was the beginning of social upheaval. People can feel this change, but they don't quite understand it.
Jane Nelson said that she was once a very controlling mother, and her child Tyrol was a naughty boy who hated rules, so the relationship between mother and son has always been tense. When he was 14 years old, Tyrol ran away from home and wandered around. He worked as a gas station worker, a carpenter, and a gardener, trying to support himself. And she continued to struggle in the war with her three other children.
Jane Nelson believes that if it were not for encountering Adler's theory, the mother-child relationship between her and her children may never be repaired. At that time, although he already had four children, Nelson was still studying child development in college. There is a class on Adler. The teacher said that this course does not require learning a lot of theory, but an in-depth and thorough study of the Adler Method, including practical techniques to help children stop inappropriate behavior, as well as practical techniques to teach children self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation and problem-solving skills.
To her delight, this method worked. She actually reduced fights between children by 80%. She learned to eliminate fighting in the morning and at bedtime and got great cooperation from her children in completing household chores. From then on Nelson began to get rid of the troubles caused by childcare and began to enjoy the joy of being a parent.
Taking respect as the premise is the basis of parenting
Jane Nelson believes that in the United States and China, children have been pampered since childhood, and everyone is doing too many things for them. They are given too much love, but not much contribution. Opportunity. They can feel loved and belong, but they have not developed the skills to cope with life. They have many opportunities in life but are not prepared for them. In this complex modern society, everyone is indeed gradually losing their parental instinct, so parents need to relearn how to be a better mother and a better father in order to help their children grow better.
asking questions vs telling
"Take a shower and go to bed!" This is telling, it is a command. "What do you need to prepare before going to bed?" This is a question. There are many different ways to ask questions. One way of asking questions is called "conversational questioning," where you sit down and have a real conversation with your child. "What happened?" You listened carefully. "How are you feeling?" You listen carefully.
"What did you learn from this incident?" You listen carefully. "How do you think this problem should be solved?" These questions will invite children to think, and they will feel capable and willing to cooperate. This is drawing strength from children.
But what most parents do is usually tell their children - "This is what happened, this is why, this is what you should feel, this is what you should do..." This is indoctrination and stuffing . By blindly telling and ordering, children do not learn to think, do not learn to solve problems, do not feel respected, and do not feel that they have the ability to solve problems. As a parent, deep down, you need to truly care about what your children are thinking and feeling. If parents really respect their children, care about their feelings, and establish a connection with them before correcting them, their behavior will usually change.
Because of the concept of discipline, most people think of it as punishment, but the Latin root of discipline is "discipulus" or "disciplini", which means "follower of truth and principles" or "respected leader". For a child to become a follower of truth and principles, his motivation must come from inner self-control, and whether punishment or reward, it is external control. Parents should see the beliefs behind the behavior and see their children's basic needs for a sense of belonging and value. Respecting children's sense of belonging and value is the most important goal of educating children and being a human being.
In the book "Positive Discipline", Jane Nelson proposed "seven important perceptions and skills" necessary to become a capable person:
①. Perception of personal abilities-"I can OK. ”
②. Perception of my own value in important relationships—“My contributions are valuable and people really need me.”
③.My perception of power or influence in my life— - "I can influence what happens to me."
④. Strong introspective ability: Ability to understand personal emotions and use this understanding to achieve self-discipline and self-control.
⑤. Strong interpersonal communication skills: good at working with others and building friendships based on communication, collaboration, negotiation, sharing, empathy and listening.
⑥. Strong overall grasp: Treat various limitations and behavioral consequences in daily life with a sense of responsibility, adaptability, flexibility and integrity.
⑦. Strong judgment ability: Use wisdom to evaluate situations based on appropriate values.
Dr. Kuan exclusively interpreted "Positive Discipline" and explained that positive discipline is a method of disciplining children that neither punishes nor pampers. Only in a kind and firm atmosphere can children develop self-discipline, responsibility, and cooperation. As well as their own problem-solving abilities, they can learn social skills and life skills that will benefit them throughout their lives, and they can achieve good academic results.
