text | Chang Qingzhu (Fushu columnist)
In life, we are often burdened by wanting to maintain the image of a "good old guy".
fell into an emotional whirlpool in order to take care of other people's feelings;
fell into a self-certification trap in order to explain the truth;
sacrificed his own interests in order to maintain short-term peace...
In this process, we He lost his territory, consumed his energy, and exhausted himself.
On the contrary, they are those who boldly become villains, treat life as a playground, no longer chase outsiders, and live relaxedly in their own world.
A person's good life starts from living with a "villain mentality".
No longer afraid of rejection
Bi Shumin said in "Exercising the Right to Reject":
" If we never refuse, we will not hurt others. But we have hurt someone who is closer to us, that is ourselves. ”
In life, we often end up in a situation where we are dragged down by trivial matters because we cannot bear to refuse due to human feelings.
Your neighbor asked for prostitution in the name of "coming along", but you were too embarrassed to refuse, so you could only force yourself and agree with a smile;
Your friend used prostitution for free on the grounds of "asking for help," and because you didn't want to hurt your friendship, you could only You agreed aggrievedly;
your colleagues shied away from the job on the grounds that "you are good at this", but you had no choice but to nod because you were concerned about the overall situation...
After being consumed by "rejection because you don't understand" countless times, you gradually discovered that the pain The only one who is tired is myself.
In the program "Annual Comedy Competition", Huang Bo shared an experience of his own.
One night, Huang Bo received a call from a friend.
Since the two had not contacted each other for a long time, Huang Bo subconsciously thought that his friend had something important to do.
Unexpectedly, my friend claimed to know Huang Bo at the dinner party and wanted him to support the show.
Huang Bo, who was unwilling to disgrace his friends, was forced to open his business.
During the phone call, a familiar dinner friend asked Huang Bo to reproduce a certain line in the movie for him.
Huang Bo responded to a dozen people with such impolite greetings.
When the phone came back to his friend, Huang Bo thought that was the end of the matter.
Unexpectedly, his friend continued to tease, "You said you still have so many people liking you, is that weird?"
In response to his friend's self-righteous humor, Huang Bo directly replied: "If you do this again next time, I will never do it." If you save face, you will die in the middle!"
Yu Hua once said: "When we treat the world harshly, the world suddenly becomes gentle."
In this world, the truly smart ones are often not the ones with strong abilities. But someone who dares to say "no".
You must know that the more you compromise others, the more you will embarrass yourself; the more you neglect yourself, the more you will feel wronged and regretful.
In the days to come, only by not trying to please, not catering, and not caring can you live a free and easy life.
No more excessive empathy
In the TV series "I'm fine in a foreign country", Hu Jingjing is a lively and enthusiastic girl, always smiling.
She uses her strong empathy to heal the pain of her friends and warm the people around her.
Mother treats Jingjing as a punching bag, even if her words are excessive and hurt her constantly, she accepts them all;
Because she can stand from her mother's perspective and understand her difficulties, but Jingjing's heart has long been filled with endless consumption. , became riddled with holes.
She could only confide her sadness and helplessness to Jingjing after her cousin became seriously ill;
Jingjing felt the pain of her cousin, so after bearing the many pressures of family and life, she added endless worries and relied on depression. medicine for relief.
A friend was defrauded of half a year's rent. Hu Jingjing didn't have time to digest the emotion of being fired. She picked up a knife and rushed to the scene to support her friend...
Long-term excessive empathy made Hu Jingjing feel depressed and heavy.
Because she was unwilling to pour out her "bitter water" to those around her, Jingjing could only digest it by herself.
She often couldn't sleep at night, reviewing all kinds of bad things in her mind; she had a mental breakdown, secretly cried in the corner, and suffered from depression...
Until her birthday, after experiencing a series of unsatisfactory things, Hu Jingjing was... A phone call to collect debts completely overwhelmed him and he decided to commit suicide by jumping off a building.
Psychologist Ronald Podell said: "Emotions can spread like the flu virus and are passed to close contacts."
People who are often emotionally shackled do not have many difficulties in life, but are trapped in other people's problems. The prison of pain.
Just as Dazai Osamu wrote in "Migratory Birds": " People who are too sensitive will understand the pain of others, and naturally cannot be frank easily. "
If you always over-consume yourself for other people's emotions, you will give Life is burdened with heavy shackles.
Any successful person will not pay for other people's emotions.
understands the meaning of subject separation and grasps the boundaries between self and others to avoid unnecessary losses;
controls the button of the emotional switch and learns to blunt other people's emotions so as to shield the spread of negative energy.
Reduce unnecessary empathy and protect your own energy, which is the greatest kindness to yourself.
It is no longer easy to prove oneself
Luo Xiang once said: "Misunderstanding is the norm in life, and understanding is the rare exception."
deeply believes that, many times in life, we fall into the "self-certification trap" because of our efforts to correct other people's doubts. ".
A friend of a netizen is like this.
Although my friend dropped out of school to work when he was very young, he never gave up on improving himself.
At that time, she worked as an assembly line worker in an electronics factory during the day, and went to a dance institution at night to work quietly and practice hard.
After completing his studies, a friend opened a dance institution, and his income not only increased significantly, but was even higher than that of most people in the same village.
However, the villagers did not believe that their friend was capable. Instead, they believed that the money came from a shady source, and they speculated a lot about the reasons.
Not only are there rumors about being a mistress or a sugar daddy, etc. that ruin the girl's reputation, but there are also rumors about people pretending to be relatives and insisting that her money comes from improper sources.
My friend’s parents didn’t want their daughter’s innocence to be smeared, so they clarified it again and again.
However, their clarification was not only misunderstood as "covering up the truth" and "guilty conscience", but also allowed the villagers to confirm the authenticity of the rumors.
This resulted in my friends not daring to go out during the Chinese New Year, for fear of seeing strange looks from others.
There is a concept in psychology called " self-evident trap ".
It refers to when you are extremely eager to prove your innocence in the face of other people's misunderstandings, but you unknowingly fall into the other party's trap.
was exposed online for dyeing his hair pink. Zheng Linghua, a graduate student who eventually committed suicide, fell into the "self-certification trap."
An ordinary photo with my grandfather has given rise to dirty words such as "accompanying girl" and "grandfather and grandson are in love".
In order to prove her innocence, Zheng Linghua dyed her hair back to black, uninstalled all apps, and used the law to defend her rights...
Even so, she was unable to stop the continuation of the malicious intent and endured the pain of depression for more than half a year.
It's a pity that she didn't stick with it. Because the more we prove ourselves, the more unclear we become. In the end, Zheng Linghua was forever fixed at the age of twenty-four.
It is human nature for us to have the idea of self-justification; but we do not know that the truth is never in the misunderstanding.
On the contrary, we are trapped in a self-evidence cycle, and end up exhausting our energy and energy and losing ourselves.
You must know that other people's evaluations are illusory, and your own feelings are real and stable.
As the saying goes, always compete with others who have similar interests, and do not argue with villains.
The best state of life is to be alone, stay quiet, and be yourself contentedly.
No more internal friction
Kazuo Inamori once said: "If kindness does not get the respect it deserves, the best way is to fall out."
This is indeed the case. Compromising without boundaries often results in getting worse.
saw such a story on Zhihu.
Ye Ye came from a poor family when she was young, and was often criticized by her teachers for not being able to pay tuition.
This made her heart filled with unspeakable depression and inferiority.
In order to avoid this dilemma, Ye Ye hopes that her father can borrow money to pay for school fees.
This matter was not only rejected by his father, but also caused a huge conflict between father and daughter.
By chance, this matter was known to her classmate Xiao Jin, and she publicized it widely.
The sarcasm and contempt on the faces of the classmates at that time caused irreversible trauma to Ye Ye's already sensitive and painful heart, which she could not let go for a long time.
For a long time, Ye Ye did not dare to raise her head and walk, fearing to look directly into the eyes of her classmates;
The scene at that time appeared in her mind many times, and she was often in a state of sadness and collapse;
was timid about things that had not happened, In countless times of self-blame and judgment, the motivation to move forward has long been eliminated...
The shackles of childhood have bound Ye Ye for a long time. Fortunately, she had the courage to face the pain and achieved healing by herself.
At a class reunion many years later, Xiao Jin jokingly mentioned this matter again.
When Xiao Jin touched the bottom line again, Ye Ye did not dodge. Not only did he fight back on the spot, but he also blocked Xiao Jin.
If we habitually accommodate others, we will easily become exhausted and fall into repeated internal friction.
The so-called broken drum is beaten by thousands of people. Walking in the world, giving in without principles or bottom line will only lead to random bullying from others.
Yang Jiang said: " If kindness is not respected, let it grow thorns. "
When faced with disputes, he is neither humble nor arrogant, and has the courage to defend his own interests and bottom line.
Show your true self and boldly release your aggression when facing people with ill intentions.
A truly strong person in life will use a strong sense of inner strength to calmly deal with the troubles of life.
Herbert said: "The more cold-blooded you are, the more decisive you are, and the less sloppy you are, the more people will appreciate you."
deeply believes that giving up and giving in without a bottom line often results in an abyss of malice.
Instead of trying to compromise in other people's world, it is better to roam freely in your own wilderness.
Only by getting rid of excessive guilt and not being trapped in so-called friendship can you gain the respect of others;
Only by getting rid of the excessive sense of responsibility and not carrying the emotions of others can you live your true self;
Get rid of the excessive sense of recognition and not Only by falling into the trap of self-certification can you take the initiative in life;
reduce your excessive sense of morality and cannot bear to be bullied by others, and you can finally start a lighter life.
I hope you and I can cultivate the villain mentality, be gentle but not easy to mess with, be our angular selves, and embrace a rich and happy life. About the author of
: Chang Qingzhu, the author of Fu Shu, Go ahead, I will go on. If a person wants to succeed, he will not be blocked or tempted. This is the shielding power. This article: Fu Shu Life Museum, Fu Shu carefully selected, High-quality products and good things will improve the quality of life with you. The copyright of this article belongs to Fushu. It may not be reproduced without authorization. Infringement will be prosecuted
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