Chinese people ashamed of the family relationship, the show looks to be thoroughly
Source: book list | ID: BookSelection
Author: Jun
01
of books recently, national productions "little joy" fire. The plot of
revolves around the college entrance examination. Parents accompany reading, cook soup and pick up, sacrifice work and personal time, and constantly push their children forward, which can be described as "one person for the college entrance examination, the whole family prepares."
Because in the eyes of Chinese parents, scores represent everything, and the success or failure of children also determines themselves Life. In the
play, Tao Hong plays Song Qian, a single parent "tiger mother" with a strong desire for control. In order to get her daughter Qiao Yingzi into Tsinghua University and Peking University, she did not dare to slack off.
In order to improve the child's immunity, she gave her daughter stewed sea cucumber bird's nest, spicy hot pot and other junk foods.
In order to improve her child's grades, she answers questions for her daughter every time she takes exams. Knowing that her daughter is tired from studying, she takes her to watch a movie to relax, and buys eye protection to protect her eyes.
can be said that she is really a "perfect" mother, but it is precisely because of her excessive pursuit of "perfection" that her stressed daughter feels more oppressive, and the conflict between mother and daughter has gradually increased.
Yingzi's parents divorced, she told her mother, but she prefers to get along with her father. Because my father would not force her to study, he would take her to eat hot pot, understand her dream, and would like to play Lego with her.
What really made their mother-daughter relationship tense was that Yingzi skipped class to play at his father's house. What made her even more angry was that her daughter actually gave her ex-husband’s girlfriend the bird’s nest she had stewed in the morning.
At that moment, she was disappointed, jealous, and wronged, so she smashed the Lego that her daughter had worked hard together in a rage.
’s daughter’s stress caused her to collapse:
"You are under pressure, but mother is not under pressure? Since childhood, my mother will lead you to grow up. I have to attend classes during the day and prepare for classes at night. I wake up early and greedy. Is it easy for me to buy vegetables, cook and take care of your daily life? Am I not under pressure?"
Finally, Yingzi was forced to worry, and the anger in his heart broke out: "I just like Aunt Xiaomeng, at least she will not force me Do what I don't like, I hate you!"
Across the screen, I can feel Yingzi screaming with all his strength, as if to release the despair and grievance accumulated in her heart over the years.
This suffocating conversation, in addition to twisting the bar, there is still heartache.
Song Qian was shocked. She couldn't understand why her daughter, who she had worked so hard for 18 years, didn't work with her?
She didn't understand. She sacrificed everything for her daughter. Why did she end up like this?
She doesn't understand, what's wrong with nurturing her daughter after divorce?
She didn’t understand. At the college entrance examination meeting, she forced her daughter to write down 700 points for Tsinghua University. Is it wrong?
She has always felt that in this world, her daughter is her closest person, and their ideals in life should be the same.
So she said to her daughter:
"Mom and you are closest to you, can you harm you?
How many things I can do for you, have I said?
mom is all for your good. , Only mother is the one who loves you the most.
, you are everything to mother!"
, however, she has never listened to or paid attention to the true heart of her daughter. The daughter resisted a little bit, and her emotions broke out. The two hurt each other in the name of love.
Song Qian's relationship with her daughter reminds me of the point in this book: parents are always the ones who "request" you, and you are the ones who "satisfy" them.
They may not have noticed that this is uncomfortable for you; even when your parents face the fear of "needs cannot be met", they may open their teeth and want to defend their rights and ignore your feelings and feelings. demand.
In daily life, many parents sacrifice themselves for their children and even become conjoined babies with their children.
They know that children have dreams, but they have to draw their own strokes on the children's dreams. In the end, the children dare not even think about the dream.
Some people say: , my idea is right, my mother's idea is also right, why is it so difficult to communicate?
Just as Tao Hong said in an interview: This is a "love-style mother and daughter", a misplaced family relationship, a mother-daughter relationship between the two, both of them are trapped in the abyss of emotional kidnapping, unable to save themselves or go. Save each other.
02
In life, parents desperately want to give their children what they think is the best. They give too much and overflow, but they don’t want it.
When I was in high school, there was a girl in my class doing very well. From childhood to adulthood, her mother took care of her daily life in every possible way.
used her words: "Since giving birth to her, my mother is no longer herself, but a mother."
mother does not go to work or stay with her father, but spend all her energy and time on her , Monitor her all the time, worry about her grades, and check if she is in a relationship.
So this drama made her feel the same:
"Until now, I am still afraid of hearing my mother's sharp voice, and God knows how much I want to escape her.
I don’t love her, and I don’t want to be with her, but every time I When I see her, my heart will become a ball, for fear that it will be wrong to breathe." A
writer once said: parents love too much, will make their children like frightened birds, always pay attention to each other's expressions and words , Behavior, want to see his state from clues, and then decide how to respond.
Very often, the children’s obedience, graciousness, and doing everything that meets the needs of their parents, take the path set by their parents as an important standard in life, not from the heart, they only feel fear and fear in this relationship. In
, in contrast to Song Qian's mother and daughter, who are in tension, are the mother and son of Liu Jing and Ji Yangyang.
Someone said: Meeting a mother like Liu Jing is a blessing for several lifetimes.
In her concept, children and parents are equal, so she is willing to listen to the heart of the child. There is a very moving scene in the
play. Yingzi is depressed when he learns that he has dropped by more than 20 in the midterm exam. When I was hovering in front of my favorite planetarium, I met Liu Jing who was off work, so the two of them sat in the planetarium's projection hall and had the following dialogue: "I heard that you study very well. What does it matter if you fail an exam?" Don’t you just catch up next time.”
“What if you can’t catch up next time?”
“Then don’t chase. Whoever stipulated that, you will be among the best every time.”
“School, my mother, They are all stipulating me. Just think I have to take the exam every time. I think I am very tired."
"When you reach my age, you will know that there are too many regulations, and you can't do everything. It's done." Many netizens left messages on the
barrage, wanting a mother like Liu Jing, even if she is not a mother, she can be a friend.
She knows that her son's academic performance is poor, but she has never forced her to learn what she does not want. She also respects the children's interests and ideals.
She asked her child: "Have you ever thought about what major you want to take the exam?" Yang Yang replied: "I never thought about it. If you really can't pass the exam, you can go to work with your uncle."
Liu Jing said: "Mom knows. You like to drive and want to be a racer. Since driving can bring you the greatest happiness, Mom and Dad hope you can always enjoy this happiness. So Mom supports you and chasing your dreams.
But, do anything Knowledge is needed. Where do you look at Uncle? He does vehicle research and development, tuning, and he has to be engineers. They are all learned in school. So Yang Yang, what about the college entrance examination? You have to live it." The simple conversation of
made Yang Yang's eyes wet because he lacked the company of his parents since childhood. Under Liu Jing's slow promotion, this family that has not lived together for many years has gradually become warm and happy.
In fact, whether it is Song Qian or Liu Jing, they love their children sincerely. However, sometimes too much love will only backfire. There is a saying in
: between parents and children is much harder than encountering love, but understanding.
03
In the first issue of "Strange Flowers", Gao Xiaosong said that his motherRecently busy with the elderly choir, I forgot his birthday.
But he was very happy, because his mother had her own life and it was good to do what she liked.
However, most parents in their lives treat their children's affairs as their own, without any sense of boundaries and wantonly intervention.
friend Gigi once complained to me that she was very happy with her boyfriend, but his mother had to get involved in everything, which made her very painful. He even called her privately to warn her:
"The favorite in my life is my son. I know he loves you, but I ask you to love him like I love my son. If not, my heart is I will be unbalanced and feel that you are not worthy of my son's love."
In fact, most children hope that after setting up a small family by themselves, their parents can lead their lives well and not interfere with their small lives, which is the greatest happiness.
I especially admire Huang Lei's husband Fangyuan in "Little Huanxi".
Whether it is a child's premature love or poor test results, he has managed to communicate with the child seriously. The most rare thing is that he is good at discovering children's strengths and not focusing on their shortcomings. There was an exam in
, and the child's score went up, but the ranking still counted down. The wife was angry and gave her children 4 tuition classes.
The child feels wronged: Mom, why can't you see my progress? So you said a word to me, and the mother and son quarreled in the public. After
returned home, Fangyuan first affirmed the child's progress, and then told the child to understand his mother. The mother was angry this time because she was too anxious. Usually, her mother respects your wishes and meets your needs.
In educating children, he did not lose his temper to children. He also respects the child's right to become an adult. If the child wants to participate in the art test, he secretly seeks counseling from someone, and even turns out his "treasure book" back then.
Fang Yifan can become the child with the best character in the whole drama because of Fangyuan's relaxation.
However, not everyone will meet a father like Fang Yuan. How many children are coaxing their parents to be happy when they grow up. They are dragged by their parents and they have no self.
Because their parents sacrificed everything for their children, they have no ego, and they can't tolerate their children suddenly having ego, so they want to kill their imperfect ego.
respects self-feelings and needs, not selfishness.
If you blindly ask others to meet your ideas and requirements, meet your needs, or even violate the boundaries of the other party, belittle the other party in order to achieve your goals, this is called selfishness.
In fact, the best love that parents give their children is to let go of their hands properly.
Just as Gibran wrote in his poem:
Your children are not your children, they are the children of life, the desire of life itself, they were born through you, but not from you.
Although they are with you, they do not belong to you.
You can give them love, but don't give them your thoughts, because they have their own thoughts.
psychologist Susan Foward said: Every parent loves their children, and every child loves their parents.
only, parents are the first time parents, children are also the first time children. Many times, it is inevitable that there will be bumps in life.
As for the parent-child relationship, there will never be a correct answer because of being fettered by love. But as long as there is love between each other, care about each other in their hearts, not too much interference in each other's lives, and giving appropriate guidance and companionship, this is moderate love.
Everyone has his own mission, and no one can complete it for him.
—THE END—
About the author of the article: This article is reproduced from a WeChat public account "Book List"
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