At the beginning, I want to ask sisters, what kind of imagination do you have about becoming a mother?
Are all the key high schools, junior high schools, primary schools and kindergartens in the city very familiar?
Or do you still light up the lamp and stay up late to tutor your homework? Is the parent-child relationship in crisis every night?
Or maybe you have been working on balancing career and family every day, but in the end, the feeling of working has not diminished and the feeling of being a mother has become stronger?
Yang found that many sisters began to reject this traditional motherhood and chose to be a cool, relaxed and atypical mother.
For example, when Yi Nengjing's son Harry caused controversy by wearing women's clothing and makeup, Yi Nengjing would stand up and act very relaxed: children come to the world to experience everything in the world. In order to allow the child to better experience everything in the world, a mother should give the child enough freedom to be himself.
(pictures from the Internet, deleted)
Some people may say that she is a female star. Of course, she can be powerful enough to block the malice from the world for her children and protect their freedom of growth and choice.
But around the sheep, this kind of atypical mother has started to spread from person to person, and more and more mothers who are not "motherly" appear around us:
Some people will abandon their children and go out with their lovers or friends to "hang out" A handful;
Some people will lie down on the bed and instruct their children to do housework, but it doesn't matter if they can't do it well.
They are really different from traditional mothers! I will not talk about dedication everywhere just because I am a mother, nor will I have too many life requirements and expectations for my children.
Sacrificial "standard motherhood"
Many women "die" themselves after becoming mothers.
In "Thirty Only", Gu Jia is a full-time mother who has money and leisure, but she doesn't have herself. For example, in order to let his son enter an aristocratic school, Gu Jia first moved into a house in the best school district in Shanghai.
But moving in is not enough. When she saw her neighbor wearing stilettos and going out, and the elevator happened to be out of power, she would squat down and put her own shoes on for her neighbor, and then help him go downstairs with bare feet.
Because the other party is an honorary school director, he can ensure that the child can enter school smoothly.
As for your own dignity, it is not important for now.
"After confinement, Gu Jia died, leaving only Xu Ziyan's mother." Having done this kind of thing too often, Gu Jia and her best friend couldn't help but sigh like this.
Sheep also has such sisters around her. @白桃 once regarded housing in the school district as her life goal. In Beijing, Baitao originally owned two houses in Chaoyang District, and she once considered herself middle-class.
But as soon as her son was born, she felt that the housing budget in her hand was useless: there was no satisfactory school nearby, and she needed to save money to change housing. In Baitao's words, "Saving money makes me feel very secretive."
At 2 o'clock in the morning, Baitao secretly joined a certain "Crazy Money Saving Group" to look for money-saving strategies, and set a monthly living expense KPI of 1,500 yuan for himself, and gave up I went to the boutique supermarket downstairs, fell in love with the community group purchase pick-up point, and then drove to pick it up. As a result, not only did I spend 2 kilometers on gas, but I was also fined 200 yuan for illegal parking.
The last straw for the middle-class woman was the fresh milk she got back that day. It was broken and she had to pay a fine of 200 yuan to get it.
When she had diarrhea in the bathroom, the child was outside frantically calling her mother. The words in her mind were:
What is mom? I am not "mom".
After having children, the original appearance of the sisters was gradually obscured by the identity of "mother". , for example, was originally tolerant and became harsh.
Baitao told us that her friend's child participated in the city's English competition and finally made it into the top ten. The mother's first reaction was not to congratulate her, but to think about getting into the top five next time. But Baitao's friend clearly paid more attention to the process when he competed by himself in the past.
For example, the original pride was denied.
In the video, the sheep’s sister @Xinglongyuan’s ability obviously deteriorated after giving birth:
“In the years after giving birth, my memory declined particularly badly. I used to give me a paragraph of manuscript and I could memorize it in a few minutes. But after giving birth, After having children, I often forget some things. "
Another example is that my independent space is squeezed.
sister @天edge Whenever summer vacation comes, her time will be divided frame by frame by her daughter’s cram school: picking up and dropping off her children, tutoring her children, and communicating with her children’s teachers.
"Because when you are a mother, you should act like a mother."
Many sisters will be bound by the traditional identity of mother. "Mom" seems to always be bound to sacrifice and dedication.
In our generation, it is easy to hear words such as "Everything I do is for you", "If it weren't for you, I would do whatever I did", "No matter what I do, I will do it for you". Some mothers will humiliate themselves in order to let their children eat something good, in order to achieve a certain "self-sacrifice" effect.
The result is that the mother becomes a "resentful mother" and the children often become "sinful babies".
Fuck your “mom-likeness”
But what if mom no longer has the “mom-likeness”?
In the ending of "Thirty Only", Gu Jia, who finally took the trouble to move into a school district room, finally moved out with her children. Their relationship has become better, but Gu Jia no longer compromises her life for her son.
When she decided to divorce her ex-husband, Gu Jia would hold her son in her arms and act like a baby:
"Do you want a father or a mother?"
But the son replied that he wanted a father, because his mother was reluctant to leave us. But Gu Jia doesn't intend to adopt it. She still chose to divorce for the sake of her own feelings because she no longer loved this man.
These women who are not willing to just be "mothers" may temporarily let their identity as "mothers" become their main focus after giving birth. But soon, they will regain control of their own rhythm.
They prioritize themselves before doing anything:
Sister @万子 has a 10-year-old daughter. Every month, she will give her a fixed pocket money budget. Once she overspends, she will justifiably refuse the child's request:
Mom makes hard money , is the first owner of money. Mom has the final say on how to spend it.
Baitao gave up her school district housing, took a week's leave, went to New Zealand with her friends to look at a farm, and then bought a small piece of land. The price was much lower than the school district house she was interested in in Beijing, but she could hear the chirping of birds every day and had the fresh milk she loved to drink every day.
They started to play with their children:
@万子 likes to play badminton, so she took her daughter to the court with her. When she goes to work, she has to get up half an hour early to play ball with her baby. After the summer vacation, the baby doesn't even want to sleep, so she has to get up early to play ball with her mother.
After her mother goes to work, her daughter needs to be responsible for throwing their clothes into the washing machine.
At the beginning, her daughter couldn't get up during the summer vacation, so she didn't rush her. She just leaned against the door and watched her until her daughter couldn't stand her mother's "coquettishness" and gave in.
They began to act coquettishly and show weakness to their children:
@Xinglongyuan went hiking with the baby, and the two of them walked 15 kilometers together. Halfway through, Xing Longyuan himself collapsed from exhaustion and rolled on the ground refusing to get up. It was his daughter who coaxed him up.
She took her daughter to a movie and forgot to bring her mobile phone. It was her daughter who negotiated with the front desk and got the movie ticket again. She sat in the theater smoothly and spoke to her father seriously on the phone and watch: Don't worry, I can take good care of her.
There are more and more mothers who "learn to be selfish". Those life clips of "carrying their children on their backs to eat barbecue" and "putting their children to sleep and enjoying the world between two people" are not only popular in short videos, but also in daily life.
More and more sisters are beginning to respect themselves and their children as independent individuals, and they also respect themselves beyond their motherhood.
Mom who is not a spoiler, what a wonderful life
Xin Yuan sister @邢泷元 told us that her sister had reminded her many times, "Be a relaxed mother now, or be careful that your baby will hate you later.""
@Baitao was also questioned by many friends when she gave up her school district housing. Many people advised her to work hard, and the reason was the same: Don't let your children blame you.
But Xing Longyuan and Baitao were not worried, because They hope that they can be a role model for their children, telling them that they are the only ones who can take responsibility for their own lives. They also hope to be the "mother who does not disappoint their own happiness, nor their children's happiness."
This summer vacation, Baitao sent her child to a summer camp.
Late one Saturday night, while she was having a blast at her favorite singer’s live show, a kid from the summer camp called, “Mom, I’m worried that you’re lonely playing outside alone.
She shouted into the microphone: "I'm watching a show in another place, and I'm not lonely at all." ”
Xing Longyuan is more brilliant. She releases rainbow farts to her daughter on a regular basis, which has coaxed her into confusion. She applauds her daughter when she dances ballet. It is her first time on stage. She writes a letter to commemorate her daughter. Although She knew very well that her daughter's talent in ballet was mediocre, but she was still the first to rush to praise her daughter for being the best in the class.
Her daughter's paint-covered hands directly grabbed her white clothes, and she felt it was okay because " This is a gift given to me by Taozi." She was not angry. Instead, she encouraged her daughter to continue creating, treating this T-shirt as her "daughter's work."
Xing Longyuan's mother used to be a professional woman, and she learned from her own mother On the independent side, she also admitted that her mother used to be very strict, which is what she didn't want to be.
Before becoming mothers, the sisters already had a reference in their hearts, which was their own mothers. Before deciding what kind of mother she should be, she had already made up her mind not to become like her mother.
In a conversation with Zhou Yijun about the mother-daughter relationship, Dai Jinhua once admitted that one of the motivations for her growth is not to change. Become your own mother.
"Don't want to be a mother like your own mother" has become the motivation for many sisters to be a "not disappointing" mother.
After becoming a mother, many people are not raising children. Raising oneself.
The sacrifices and hard work of raising mothers are also the exhaustion of raising mothers.
Yi Nengjing is the seventh daughter in the family, a daughter whose parents originally wanted a son. She left home at the age of 17 and went to Taipei to work as a singer and actor. Then she was like a son who supported the family, sending money back home to slowly support her broken family.
When she had a daughter. , she completely regarded this child as her childhood self and brought it in and raised her:
"Mi Li has all the looks of my childhood longing for family. Rather than thinking about how to be a good mother for Mi Li, it is better to say that I am thinking about it." , what kind of mother I wanted when I was a little girl. ”
“I projected all the image of a complete and beautiful mother in my mind on taking care of Mi Li. In this way, I not only took care of her, but also took care of myself who had been lacking love since childhood. "
Sheep has always disliked a saying: Women are weak by nature, but mothers are strong.
It seems that all the sources of strength for women come from the identity of "mother". But in fact, women themselves are very powerful, not because of what they have done. There is no choice after being a mother!
The process of becoming a "mother" is like a mirror. You can see what you want to be in your children, and you can also see the neglected individual face of your own mother. A woman's "mom-likeness" reflects her past imprint, current attitude, and expectations for the future.
Therefore, before considering how to be a mother, first figure out how to place yourself, how to place yourself and others, and how to place yourself. and society.
And the main thread of all this is to become themselves
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