What is the best state for people to get along with each other?
Writer Su Qin has a saying that deeply resonates with me: Associating is a relationship, there is no need to make each other happy, and there is no need to be addicted to any kind of relationship.
If you are addicted to a relationship, excessive demands for emotional value will only suffocate the other person and cause yourself to be internally consumed.
Lower your expectations and be intimate. The more relaxed you are, the smoother the relationship will flow.
Writer Liu Yong once said something in a book.
After Xiaoying and her husband got married, she always hoped that the other party would prepare a birthday surprise for her so that she could have a good time in the office.
On her birthday, she happily looked forward to flowers and cakes from her husband, but her husband didn't take it to heart at all.
Xiaoying waited for a day without seeing any sign from her husband. Feeling aggrieved, she couldn't help crying in the office.
When my colleague Sister Tang heard this, she hurried over to comfort her and generously treated her to a big meal.
Xiaoying was very moved and regarded Sister Tang as a confidant. She would confide in Sister Tang whenever she had any troubles and often share her little secrets with her.
Until one day, Xiaoying was suddenly called to the office by her boss, and she was pointed at her nose and criticized.
Afterwards, Xiaoying found out that it was Sister Tang who had tipped off.
It turns out that Sister Tang never regarded herself as a friend, and even used herself to show off in front of the boss.
Xiaoying was so disappointed that she never dared to trust others again and almost became depressed because of it.
At the end of the story, Liu Yong asked everyone: Whose fault is Xiaoying’s experience? Is it the neurotic husband or the sinister Sister Tang?
Actually, it’s none of them, it’s Xiaoying herself.
She longs for her husband's favor, longs for the sincerity of her colleagues, and has high hopes for all relationships.
But there is a gap between reality and ideals. When expectations fail, all assumptions become the pain of disillusionment.
Think about it carefully, isn’t it the same for us in life?
has too high demands on his partner and cannot bear to see the other person neglect him;
is very devoted to his colleagues, eager to get the other person’s sincerity;
cares too much about his friends and wants to never let each other down.
But the fact is that no one can live according to your ideas. The higher your expectations for a relationship, the greater the probability of being hurt.
American consultant Roland Miller, in his 25 years of research on interpersonal relationships, is often asked:
Why does a relationship feel more chilling the more you care about it?
His answer is simple: If you want the other person to do something or be a certain way, and he doesn't, you will be in pain.
Being demanding on others is essentially a form of abuse towards oneself.
Being addicted to anticipation will only make you fall into the abyss of despair.
In psychology, there is a personality disorder called "emotional dependence".
is characterized by liking too much or placing too much personal feelings on a certain person or item.
People like this tend to be more dependent on each other in relationships and hope that the other party can always pay attention to them and give them emotional value.
Once the love of the other person cannot be felt, conflicts will break out and the relationship will reach a deadlock.
Emotional counselor @ Zhao Xiaoyi once shared the case of a couple.
The husband is a businessman and runs a small factory, while the wife is the head of the house and keeps the house in order.
In the eyes of outsiders, they are a model of a loving couple.
But as time went by, the two people quarreled more and more frequently, and they once reached the point of divorce.
There is obviously no problem with their relationship, so why is the relationship between the two getting worse and worse?
Under Zhao Xiaoyi’s inquiry, the source of the contradiction surfaced.
My wife said that she spends all day around her family. She has to go to the vegetable market when she wakes up in the morning and puts her children to bed at night.
After a busy day, I was exhausted physically and mentally.
So she hoped that her husband could understand the difficulty of being a housewife and give her more emotional comfort.
However, her husband became more and more perfunctory, so she thought that her husband no longer loved her, and the resentment in her heart deepened.
According to the husband’s story, he was worried about the factory every day. When the results were not good, he couldn’t eat well or sleep well.
He hopes that his wife will care about whether he is tired and healthy, instead of complaining about him coming home too late or having too many social activities.
They only care about their own needs and want the other party to provide them with emotional value.
Once you become addicted and the other person stops giving, pain will ensue.
Writer Ye Qingcheng said:
Some people have too high demand for emotional value. They always need someone to accompany them and need someone to respond at any time...
In this case, those who can respond to him are mostly liars and pig-killers.
The grindstone of life is very heavy. No one is born to put your feelings on top.
Looking for someone to comfort you whenever you encounter difficulties will only make you become a giant baby and speed up the escape of others.
What’s more, everyone’s energy is limited.
Want to feed yourself on the emotional value of others, which in itself is plundering others and irresponsible for relationships. The boundary of the cliff is very clear, so we will not get too close. But the boundaries of water are blurry, so people often drown.
The relationship between people is not closer and longer.
Being too clingy will inevitably annoy the other person, and blindly asking for it will increase the burden on each other.
Just the right amount of indifference is better than untimely enthusiasm, and moderate concern is better than forgetful interruption.
Only when you are not addicted to any relationship can you be comfortable with each other.
In the popular drama "The Story of Rose", the friendship between Rose and Su Su touched many people.
They talk about everything, but they don't get too involved in each other's lives. They have a close relationship with each other, but they always maintain an alienation.
Once, Rose ran to Paris for love, but was told by her first love that she wanted to live in France permanently.
Rose returned disappointed. After returning home, she chatted with Su Su about the matter and said with disappointment that she suddenly saw something clearly.
Su Su said: "Epiphanies all happen in an instant. Before it happens, there will always be a long period of entanglement, pulling, and self-doubt, but once it happens, things become different."
It turns out that she is very He had already seen the outcome of this relationship clearly, but he never interfered with Rose's choice.
Because she knows that people always have to experience pain to grow, she just waits silently and provides comfort at the appropriate time.
Another time, Su Su was hurt by her original family and sealed herself away from anyone.
Rose did not get to the bottom of things, but stayed with her quietly, telling her gently: "That's just your past, not your fault." The friendship becomes stronger and stronger, making each other the most important support in each other's lives.
More than just friends, the sense of boundaries in close relationships is equally important.
Rene Liu once wrote about her married life in "I Dare to Be Lonely in Your Arms":
"The two of them went out together, went to different cinemas, and watched different movies;
The two of them went home together, and one after entering the house Go left, one goes right;
Both of them have their own bedrooms, sharing the kitchen and dining room..."
Perhaps in the eyes of others, this kind of daily life seems too raw.
But Rene Liu enjoys it, as she said to her husband:
"Because I keep you, I feel happy; at the same time, I keep myself, so I can feel at ease and free."
For her, marriage is the icing on the cake and the most valuable thing. Intimate company.
They respect their differences, do not demand too much from each other, and do not deliberately change themselves.
The two of them have been getting along like this for more than ten years.
Zhou Guoping once said: "A sense of proportion is a sign of mature love. In interpersonal communication, you must know how to observe the necessary distance between people."
A truly good relationship is like the relationship between trees.
The branches and leaves can collide with each other, but the roots are always independent.
This gap allows each other to grow according to their own wishes, and it also means that each other has the ability to cope with the ups and downs of life.
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Recently, I saw a new concept on the Internet - zero sugar social.
While modern people frequently contact and get along closely with friends, they also retain their own space for solitude.
is like a zero sugar drink, a light and stress-free way of communication.
In fact, the most comfortable relationship between people is not to have too many relationships.
No matter who you are with, not having too high social expectations and making yourself happy is the secret to maintaining a long-term relationship.
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