Hot topic of the week
Father's love is like a mountain. A large number of research results show that father's companionship plays a unique role in the growth of children. Perhaps, influenced by traditional culture and social role positioning, fathers have always had a more "serious" image, and their relationship with their children is not as close as the relationship between mother and child. Moreover, from the time a child is born to adulthood, it is the struggling and rising period of the father's career. How to find a balance between work and parenting requires wisdom. There are also some special families where the father is "absent" from the child's growth stage due to various force majeure factors. As Father's Day approaches, let's get to know our father and his love again!
The father does not accompany you when he is in a special position or working outside the home ≠ The father does not love you
The father's active participation and companionship is a very ideal family education model in real life. But sometimes, the ideal is very full, and the reality is very skinny. There are many force majeure factors in real life. For example, the father is in a special position or works outside the home, and cannot always be with the child. How can the father let the child understand that "not accompanying the father ≠ father" "I don't love you"?
Lin Peizhu, head of the Student Development Guidance Center of the High School Affiliated to South China Normal University, suggested that fathers cannot always be with their children, and the most important thing is to communicate with them. "The father or other family members should communicate with the child so that the child clearly knows where the father is going? What he is going to do? When will he come back? Instead of being missing or unclear. If the father's whereabouts become a mystery, it is easy for the child to interpret it as 'Dad doesn't love me anymore' and 'Dad doesn't want me anymore', and then turns into 'I am a person not worthy of being liked by others', which will be harmful to the child."
Lin Peizhu said that the father's high-quality companionship should not be rigid. In terms of time and space, the key is sincerity and intention, which is better than high quality. "If conditions permit, the father can make an agreement with the child to have a phone call or video chat with the child at a relatively fixed time (such as every Saturday). Appearing at a fixed time can put the child at ease. In addition, there are some special parent-child relationships with children. Time is also important. The so-called special parent-child time is to focus on spending time with the child alone or the father and the child experience something together. For example, a father who has been working abroad all year round returns home to have a meal with his child alone, or goes for a walk. Climb a mountain, accompany the child to do something he likes, etc. This kind of special arrangement does not need to be long, maybe only half an hour or an hour, but it is enough to make the child feel his father's care and love for him. "
Lin Peizhu pointed out. , Fathers in some special positions can also share their father's stories with their children, so that the children can understand or admire their father, and let the father's values and qualities have a positive impact on the children. "For example, some fathers are policemen and may have heroic deeds, and some fathers may have admirable things in their ordinary positions. Then you can share them with your children in the form of storytelling, so that the children can get into their father's heart, and they will have a mutual understanding of each other. More connections. ”
Parents are divorced and their companionship is absent, but father’s love is not absent
There is also a special type of family-single-parent family-the parents may be divorced, and the children may live with the mother all year round; the father may have died for some reason. How should children deal with this kind of family where the father is "absent"?
Lin Peizhu pointed out that in order for every child to grow up healthily and thrive, their three major needs need to be met: a sense of autonomy, a sense of competence and a sense of belonging. "It is the same whether it is a well-structured family, a divorced family or a reorganized family. A well-structured family does not necessarily have a harmonious family atmosphere and healthy parent-child relationship, and a single-parent family does not necessarily have one. The key lies in the parents' educational philosophy and Whether the way parents and children get along can meet these three major needs of children? "
Lin Peizhu suggested that there are some special points that need to be paid attention to in the parent-child relationship in divorced families:
1. Don't speak ill of each other, because the child has both father and mother parts. , denying the other party is equivalent to denying this part of the child.Do not pull children to join your own camp to fight against the other party, because children are naturally loyal to their parents. If a child joins you, it means betraying the other party. If the child does not join you, it means betraying you. This will make The child is very embarrassed, separated and in pain.
2. Parents should take good care of themselves, live their own lives, and manage their emotions well. Children naturally want their parents to be happy, and if you live well, your children will have the power of a role model, and they will not be burdened with unnecessary emotional burdens.
3. Mothers should have reasonable expectations for their children, and should not have unrealistic expectations and requirements for their children just to prove that "the child is better with me than with you" or to save face.
"Mom does not need to emphasize the child's single parent status, just treat it as usual, listen more curiously, be more patient and caring, and provide more guidance and help. Although the father does not live with the child every day, he can accompany him with high quality, such as There is a fixed meeting time," Lin Peizhu said.
After the death of the father, share frankly with the children in a language system that the children can understand
How should the children face the family whose father has passed away? Lin Peizhu said that the harm caused by the absence of family members without being informed is far greater than the harm caused to the children by being honest. "Therefore, the harmful facts that have occurred in the family should be shared frankly with the children in a language system that the children can understand." Lin Peizhu suggested that the family should follow the following principles when informing children of the death of their father:
1. Clearly present the context of the matter. . For example, if your father is seriously ill and is about to die, you should tell your children, "Dad has a disease and may have to leave you to go to another world. Then we won't be able to see each other. I miss you very much and don't want to leave you, but sometimes we don't There are ways to stop the laws of nature. I know you are sad and scared now, and I am scared too, but I will not lose you and you will not lose me. We will live in another way."
2. Understand the emotions children have when facing loss, such as crying, anger, depression, depression, fear, etc., accept their temporary ways of dealing with emotions, such as not wanting to eat or go to school, etc., and give them time and space to digest their emotions.
3. Hold the necessary ceremony to say goodbye to the father, and leave some souvenirs that the children need.
4. Although the father has passed away, the father’s spirit and love for the children will not disappear. Family members can share the children’s father’s life stories with the children, allowing the children to enter these stories, and then develop an understanding or admiration for the father, so that the father’s Values and qualities have a positive impact on children.
Planning | Gong Danfeng Chen Xiaoxuan Xu Hanghang
Coordinator | Wei Yi He Ning
Guidance unit | Guangdong Provincial Department of Education Guangdong Provincial Education Research Institute
expert members | Provincial psychology teaching researchers and front-line teachers
(Special thanks to the student development of the Middle School Affiliated to South China Normal University for this article Professional guidance from Lin Peizhu, head of the Guidance Center)
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