A comparison of the wrong behaviors of "The Disappearing Child", after reading it, I realize that many educational methods are used incorrectly

One morning as usual, Yang Yuan went out early to warm up the car and waited in the car for Yang Mo to get off to take him to school, but Yang Mo disappeared in the corridor.

The child disappeared, Yang Yuan anxiously looked around, and blamed himself for being too strict with his children's education.

's wife Tao Fang began to blame others, usually scolding the child, but now she blamed Yang Yuan for all the mistakes, accusing him of not coming back if he didn't find the child.

Tao Fang's "ego" is often controlling, demanding, and angry, and the ego's response is rooted in fear.

What is Tao Fang afraid of? Fear the environment, fear the future. When her heart is full of fear, her first external reaction is anger, and fear and anger are linked.

Tao Fang doesn't yell at neighbors and friends. Even if the neighbors have a little problem, the smile will pass. But it's different when dealing with children. She puts her whole body and mind on the child, and her sense of fear is also mobilized, and fear brings her countless anger.

When Yang Mo dawdled with homework and meals, Tao Fang's self-reaction came out. She thought to herself: If the child keeps dawdling like this, what should I do if I'm late for school? How can it be good to study hard all the time, and what will happen to the child's future?

Tao Fang's loud roar is Tao Fang's fear.

Children come to their parents, which is the crystallization of the relationship between husband and wife, and also to make parents more mature.

The child was originally innocent and not utilitarian, but with the upbringing of his parents, he gradually turned into a person similar to an adult - troubled, angry, and likes to confront others.

2. Tao Fang's education

Parents generally have a misconception that "the more you give, the greater the gain". So Tao Fang signed up four training classes for Yang Mo, and Yang Mo kept spinning like a top every day.

"Parents' Awakening" mentioned in the book that properly venting is very important for a person. The boring stage, the leisurely stage, a period of idleness, or even hesitation and confusion, these stages are very important to a person's growth.

There are many parents like Tao Fang. They feel that doing nothing is a waste of time, so they keep letting their children learn various skills.

In fact, such excess will destroy the child's nature, thus making the child also in a state of confrontation and anxiety.

Tao Fang's concern for her children is always covered up under orders. She arranges what time to do for Yang Mo, and when she gets Yang Yuan's salary, she will pay for the next month's training class.

These orders hide Tao Fang's fear and anxiety. She believes that life is a huge competition. would be worse.

The three things that children need most in their lives are not money or honor, but "I am seen", "I have value", and "I am important".

Tao Fang didn't give Yang Mo these. She always yelled at the child and scolded him for not being able to. What Yang Mo wanted was to take another short trip to see the dogs in Xitian Shanshe, but Tao Fang always used her own Closing the store for a few days is not worthwhile, and Yang Yuan refused to take the children to relax on the grounds that he couldn't find time.

What Yang Mo wanted was not given to him by his parents, so he and Sister Enhuai planned to go to Xitian Shanshe privately.

Parents have a misunderstanding: education is for children, everything is for the good of children.

Many parents buy various books for their children, or buy parenting books, but in fact, the change of a family comes from the parents reading.

An awakened parent should buy more books for himself.

educates not only children, but also parents.

"Teach by example or teach by example" mentioned that what kind of person parents are, it is the most influential child's future.

Tao Fang put the focus of education on Yang Mo, and gradually demanded more and more, her anxiety and pain also affected Yang Mo, and Yang Mo needed to take a breath.

Tao Fang's education has another problem. She never reflects on herself, but labels her children, such as Yang Mo being naughty, Yang Mo's inattentiveness, and Yang Mo's dislike of learning...

Why did she label Yang Mo , because labelling is easier than admitting your own mistakes.

Many parents think that they love their children, so they are good parents.

Because of love, so caring, caring is chaos, and slowly evolved into control.

Tao Fang loves Yang Mo, her fear brings a desire to control, so many of her actions are basically controlling Yang Mo, asking Yang Mo to do everything according to her own ideas, not allowing Yang Yuan to take him back to see his grandparents, Yang Mo was not allowed to go to Xitian Mountain House to play.

It's easy for Yang Mo to feel that his parents' love is conditional and that he lives in this world to meet Tao Fang's standard.

Tao Fang does everything because he loves children, but it does not mean that Yang Mo also receives love.

What's more, a lot of our love is actually love for ourselves, just disguised as love for others.

When Yang Yuan envy Xu Anzheng for having a child who is obedient, sensible and good in character and study, Yang Yuan's expectation is implied behind this envy. A child with good character and study can make him look good, and an obedient and sensible child can make him less worry.

So does Yang Yuan love his children or himself?

Love is no big deal, but the wrong way to love can even bring more fear and pain.

3. How to love children scientifically

Tao Fang and Yang Yuan are both parents for the first time. They love children, but they may not know how to love children scientifically.

Yang Mo must have clearly felt that his parents did not accept him. He is not stupid.

If Yang Yuan and Tao Fang accept their children's status quo from the bottom of their hearts, instead of trying to control everything and make everything go according to their own imagination, they are awakened parents.

So what should they do?

1. Let go of your high expectations for Yang Mo, but just put yourself in and immerse yourself in the interaction with Yang Mo every day.

2. Don't define Yang Mo, if Yang Mo is dawdling at breakfast, let him go to school after eating, and let Yang Mo feel the punishment of being late, instead of labeling Yang Mo with "you are a procrastinator" .

3. Excited for the fun of eating together as a family and watching a movie together, not about how much money the store made today, how many marks the child scored in the test, these external things.

Parents define themselves by external things, and children will feel that only getting these external things means success.

Being calm in front of children is very important.

When Yang Mo doesn't do his homework or has other behavioral problems, if Tao Fang's first reaction is to threaten, he wants to solve the problem quickly, which will lead to Yang Mo's more serious rebound.

But if Tao Fang can learn to be calm and show the true dignity of parents without anger and self-arrogance, not by roaring, but by calm emotions and patiently listening, Yang Mo may not do the opposite. The author of

shared a method of "don't talk within five minutes" in the book. When the child has behavioral problems (loud, not doing homework, procrastinating, etc.), parents don't talk within five minutes, and don't need to The eyes intimidate the child, so the aura will change, and the child will be more accepting of his reasonable request after five minutes.

4. is not to criticize children, but to empathize with .

realizes that Yang Mo's situation is very different from his own; realizes that in order to connect with him, you have to let go of your own expectations.

allows Yang Mo to make his own choices, and empathy is really about accepting his emotions, not just trying to get him out of there quickly.

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