Ada is a friend I have met in Beijing for 2 years. In terms of career, she is a smart, active, and decisive woman. She is a typical white and rich woman. Outsiders look glamorous, but in fact, her love relationship has not gone smoothly, and her boyfriend has changed one after another. All the beginning is full of sweetness and rushing to get married, and the end is betrayal or torn.
She used to be mildly depressed because of continuous love-breaking, and she fell into deep self-doubt:
- why no one cares about me
- why no one always loves me
- how can I live without love
all his boyfriends will have 2 Features:
(1) is very "good" to her
nanny-style love such as laundry, cooking, transfer to and from work, fully feel the feeling of being taken care of
(2) economical independence
basically every boyfriend is more or less She has to rely on her to support her in order to live. This sense of dependence makes her feel that she is fully needed and dependent on
. But even so, the final breakup cannot be avoided. Even the reasons for each breakup are the same, "I feel he treats me It’s not as good as before. I don’t love me anymore.”
Then there was almost no window period, and she fell into the next period of love that was exactly the same, like a curse, cyclically
, as her friend, discovered that she was usually in interpersonal communication. She is also a girl who needs a lot of praise and recognition. If no one praises her, she will always talk about her former glory and glory, the support of her parents, and the love of her partner, just like a winner in life.
The actual situation is that although her family is superior, her father has a serious tendency to domestic violence. Her parents divorced when she was 2 years old. She has been living with her grandma, so she has received a lot of extra attention since she was a child. The case of
should be a microcosm around us, and many people see their loneliness and lack in it.
Life has never left loneliness and exists, loneliness is like a shadow, and it accompanies us to grow up throughout our lives. It is a corner of our life.
Loneliness is not originally a problem, but the trauma of the original family, the psychological crux formed, forms a problem behavior from the inside out.
-People who are neglected in their hearts will persevere in the pursuit of attention
externally, which is vanity
, which is manifested in the relationship, which is the pursuit of continuous attention and care
. In fact, this situation is in Allard’s "Inferiority and Transcendence". This book is also attributed to a form of inferiority complex. People with strong inferiority complex do not necessarily appear to be submissive, quiet, and restrained. There are thousands of forms of actual expression.
Allard told a case in which three children were taken to the zoo for the first time. When they were standing in front of a lion cage, one child was hiding behind his mother, trembling and saying, "I want to go home." The second child stood. At the same place, with a pale face and a shaking voice, he said, "I am not afraid at all." The third child stared at the lion intently and asked his mother: "Can I spit on it?" In fact, these three Children feel their own disadvantages, but everyone expresses their feelings in their own way according to their own way of life. The
inferiority complex is one of the major discoveries of individual psychology. It has been adopted by psychologists of many schools, but sometimes it is useless to tell the patient that he is suffering from the complex. We need to find out the root cause and essence of the matter and prescribe the right medicine. Most of the problems we encounter as adults have actually formed a basic way of thinking and a perspective on the world when we were 4-5 years old. This is why the original family is so important.
1. Mother's influence
The role of mother in the native family is the child's first human experience, so it is very important. The skills of
as a mother include her ability to cooperate with her child and her ability to make the child cooperate with him. Every cumbersome detail, such as changing diapers, breastfeeding, and bathing, is an opportunity for mothers and children to establish normal cooperation capabilities. Therefore, a competent mother must devote a lot of time and energy to be truly interested in the child, win emotions wholeheartedly, and protect the childInterests. This kind of close relationship can be established.
A girl who has been patriarchal or disapproved of her own female role since she was a child. When she grows up, it is difficult to become a competent mother from the subconscious mind. She feels that her child is hindering her life goals, so she refuses to have children or is alienated from her children. .
's work as a mother:
(1) develop trustworthy initial experience
(2) extend the relationship to the father
(3) extend the relationship to the entire human society
2. The role and responsibility of the father
Marriage is a partnership , So two people should not want to dominate each other
(1) are a good partner to wife, son, and society
(2) deal with the three major problems in life in a good way and form an example
(3) equality Stand to cooperate with the wife, take care of and protect the family
(4) Even if the father is the main source of income, it should be defined as a shared
3. Being a parent
(1) Both husband and wife believe that mutual happiness is much higher than personal interests. True cooperation
(2) If there is no real authority in the family, there can be real cooperation
- There is no authority between parents
- There is no authority between the children
The three eternal themes of life: occupation, society, and sex. These three problems are complementary to each other, and the same problem will run through various themes in various forms. All these hostility or lack of cooperation caused by the lack of mother or father role responsibility will become developmental difficulties in people’s daily life. The solution is to train to face life more cooperatively and courageously.
In childhood, due to being neglected, spoiled, or born with physical defects, we often give meaning to this special childhood experience, and then determine our future behavior patterns.
At all times, we must understand that what we feel is not reality itself, but the meaning given to reality by us.
When given the completely opposite meaning, we will gradually break away from the influence of the original family, give a positive meaning, and obtain a happy life; if given the same meaning, we will continue this model, continue this tragedy for a lifetime. Tortured. Therefore, in life, we often find that boys and mothers do not get along well, or girls and fathers do not get along well, and they will look for the opposite or the same type as their parents.
Therefore, if we want to obtain the true meaning of life and obtain a happy marriage, it is of no use to indulge in the past. We should re-examine our past experience and give it a positive meaning. Dedication, genuine interest in others, and mutual assistance and cooperation are our pursue!
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