Everyone has the shadow of a native family, and a person's character reflects his childhood.
Parents have planted spiritual and emotional seeds in our hearts, and they will grow with us. In some families, parents plant love, respect, and independence, while in others, it is fear, responsibility, or guilt.
-"Native Family: How to Repair Your Personality Defects"
"Native Family: How to Repair Your Personality Defects" once topped the New York Times bestseller list. The author Susan Foward is internationally renowned Psychotherapist, speaker and writer. This book analyzes the negative effects of "toxic" parents from the perspective of the original family through real cases in 18 years of working life, and provides a life and spiritual outlet for "toxic" children...
"Toxic" parents cause long-term physical or mental pain to their children. Fear, responsibility, and guilt have always existed in the long life, and they affect life to a lesser or lesser degree. What about
"toxic" parents?
It is not always easy to judge whether your parents are or have been poisonous. Whether you have been abused by your parents or just because you are too sensitive, everyone's subjective judgment is not necessarily accurate. So in this book, Susan uses objective and true data to help everyone face the truth about their family through questionnaires.
includes three major parts:
- your relationship with your parents during your childhood
- your life as an adult
- your relationship with your parents as an adult
none of them are divided into several small questions, if 1/3 of the answer is yes Yes, then, this book will give a strong guide.
"Toxic" parents bring the same harm to their children, but such parents are likely to be difficult to change, and many children even choose to deceive themselves when they have no alternative. In fact, mastering some methods can completely get rid of parental control.
First, you must have a correct understanding of family relationships; second, you must have a clear awareness of wanting to change the status quo; second, you must have the courage to regain control of your life; finally, you must face it in the correct way.
Different families have different misfortunes. The first half of
introduces the behavioral patterns of toxic families from eight perspectives.
- 1. Parents like the world
control their children with absolute authority. Even in the day-to-day edification, the children will deny the facts and help the parents find all kinds of reasons. There are also rationalized explanations. Because they cannot admit that their parents are wrong.
When parents are deified, the rules he makes are unbreakable. Parents’ negative evaluation of their children will convince them. This influence will last for several years, even if the parents die. Even behind self-deception, as a child, he knows what the truth is that is deliberately ignored.
pulls the deified parents off the altar, and judges them from the right and wrong of ordinary people, in order to truly seek the balance of power. The most difficult thing is precisely the mentality and determination of the children.
- 2. Incompetent parents
When parents do not act and their roles are missing, children are not only ignored, but more often they will act as caregivers. This kind of role inversion will make the child feel endless sense of failure, always believing that all misfortunes in the family are caused by themselves.
A strong sense of guilt drives a strong sense of responsibility in children. Children who become young adults can't change anything by themselves, so they feel frustrated and guilty. If things go on like this, a vicious circle will be formed. Children like
have lost their parents’ role model and the ability to be loved and perceive love, which eventually leads to vague self-recognition.Feel the same, thinking that you are good enough to change everything and get love. The sense of self-worth depends on the identification of the parents. Only by using the energy expended on the parents to love oneself, can you truly be responsible for your own life.
- 3. Manipulative parents
These parents have a kind of morbid fear of "empty nest syndrome" (a sense of loss that parents will inevitably experience after their children leave home). They will use various methods to create a sense of powerlessness in their children. Children must rely on themselves everywhere to prevent them from becoming independent adults.
Manipulating parents are also good at creating guilt, making their children feel guilty, and achieving the goal of allowing their children to make concessions to please themselves.
This is a toxic parent type that is common in life. Children who are kidnapped emotionally are often breathless but helpless. If parents cannot let their children become independent individuals, the separation of this relationship requires the children to make changes themselves.
- 4. The typical characteristics of adult children of alcoholic parents
: excessive sense of responsibility, need to help parents, lack of self-security and suppressed anger.
Alcoholism is a bad habit that everyone hates. The so-called "family ugliness cannot be publicized". The children of alcoholics have passively cooperated to keep this secret since they were young, and they have become both painful and weak.
Alcoholic parents can neglect their children, their children lack love, suppress their emotions, and it is difficult for them to express their feelings as adults. However, what is even more sad is that while children hate their parents' alcoholism, they become angry, frustrated, and suspicious. Many of them are also used to drinking and coping with life. Although extremely repulsive, he eventually became the shadow of his parents. Parents like
need to be changed, but it is difficult. Fortunately, the happiness of adult children can be controlled by themselves, and there is no need to rely on their parents.
- 5. Physically abusive parents
Parents who physically abuse their children are extremely lack of control. As long as they have negative emotions that need to be vented, they will choose to abuse their children and do not realize how much harm is done to their children. Children live in an atmosphere of fear and fear every day. The stories of children like
become afraid of being hurt, afraid of being betrayed, feeling very sensitive and insecure, because they cannot trust others.
"A filial son is born under the stick", "If you don't fight, you can't be a weapon." Chinese family education has been passed down from generation to generation. Parents of have a "good for you" reason for beating their children. In fact, he is also an accomplice.
Parents are the most direct role models for children. What's worse is that many abused children will grow up to become abusive parents; or on the contrary, they will indulge their children without principle.
can only overcome their own negative emotions one by one and truly overcome their own deficiencies. The good news is that this is controllable.
- Six, verbal abusive parents 51z
Young children often take the words of their parents as truth. What parents say is right. When they are regarded as authoritative, the parents will abuse their children seriously.
What is verbal abuse by parents? ——Conduct linguistic attacks on children's appearance, intelligence, ability or value as a person. Or put on a cloak of humor, and attack the child by making fun of, sarcasm, taking insulting nicknames, or humiliating around the child.
Many parents intend to promote their children's progress by attacking and denying their children, believing that "faithfulness is good for action". Some parents simply ignore their children's feelings and take pleasure in ridicule their children.
If things go on like this, children who are verbally abused have extremely low self-confidence, are sensitive to interpersonal relationships, don’t know themselves well, and suffer greatly from their hearts.hurt.
- Seven, sexually abusive parents
incest harm to children is devastating and unforgivable. According to the investigation, this is not a small probability event.
Incest is perhaps the cruelest and most unspeakable experience, which betrays the most basic trust between the child and the parent, and also destroys the child’s feelings.
incest destroys the most precious essence of childhood-innocence.
Children in incest relationships must keep secrets, have no sense of trust in others, and have a long-term burden of great mental pressure, and some of them are physically abused at the same time, not to mention that most of the children in the relationship themselves are unloved. Incest harm can cause children to have a strong sense of self-blame, self-loathing and shame.
Children in an incest relationship, whether in front of or behind, are absolutely lonely. Like a real island, desolate and hopeless. They will get used to living with a mask, pretending that the harm does not exist, and pretending that everything is fine. The most important thing about
is that they dare not face the nature of incest, because confrontation is very likely to lead to broken families.
In a sense, incest is a kind of psychological cancer, and the treatment process is quite painful.
Only by acknowledging the existence of the problem and bravely asking for help can we finally find ourselves.
- Eight, poisonous family system
The bad influence of poisonous family system will be passed from generation to generation. The most obvious feature is that toxic parents are self-centered, self-interested, refusing to accept changes and even turning black and white.
Without exception, they give their children negative comments, and plant their poisonous distorted ideas into their children's minds. Long-term control can obliterate one's spiritual autonomy.
In the toxic family system, the balance is based on chaos. Parents create chaos, the whole family keeps balance in the chaos, and creates chaos in the balance. This is a vicious circle with no end.
When the balance of the family is broken, toxic parents will respond like this:
- 1. Denial
- 2. Prevarication and accuse
- 3. Forcibly obstructing
- 4. Triangular relationship
- 5. Keep the secret
Fortunately, the book is not only poisonous to tell readers What are the parent’s performances and what responses they will make? More importantly, analyze the causes of toxic parent’s behavior and how it will affect their children’s minds. More importantly, they start with this so that their children can finally understand their behavior. The root cause.
's strategy to deal with poisonous parents, embrace the inner child
- 1. The trap of forgiveness
Very often, the so-called forgiveness and forgetting are just self-deception. Even if the harm is weakened and obliterated, it really exists or has existed. Unilateral forgiveness is meaningless.
Before forgiving, the essential link is to vent anger. True liberation must begin with returning the responsibility to those who should bear it.
- 2. Recognize the emotional entanglement between yourself and your parents
Understanding the relationship between your ideas and feelings is an important step to stop self-destructive behavior. It is especially important for
to figure out what is the real feeling in the complicated parent-child relationship. It can be sorted out through two questionnaires:
- 1. Feelings in the relationship with parents:
This part of the questionnaire can reflect whether you are in emotional entanglement with your parents
- 2. The behavior in the relationship with parents
This part of the questionnaire can be Determine whether the entangled relationship with your parents is the current life problem
If you take the feelings of your parents asThe benchmark for doing things will inevitably be controlled by parents. Therefore, by means of questionnaires, one can explore the true self step by step, and only when deeply distinguishing which feelings belong to oneself, can the wrong ideas and behaviors be rooted out.
- 3. Self-definition
Self-definition means finding a balance between caring for oneself and caring for others. The most important thing is to listen to your own inner thoughts and always defend your emotional integrity.
When there is a conflict, learn to use non-defensive responses. Defense is often ineffective. You can never wake up a person who pretends to be asleep. At this time, it is more important to be calm and not to be chaotic. The most important thing about
self-definition lies in the choice, that is, behind each decision is the result of desperate renunciation or the result of rational analysis. This is essentially different. Remember, as an adult, you can bear all the unhappiness in the process of seeking yourself.
- 4. No more self-punishment
Re-examine the painful experience of yourself, talk to the guilty child in your heart, return the burden of responsibility to the parent who is no longer responsible. Children in toxic families have accumulated more anger than ordinary people, and sjj has more sadness and grief in his heart.
List 10 things you can do every week to make yourself happy as a "care contract" to help you heal your grief. Allow yourself to be angry, express your anger, control your anger instead of being swayed by anger, and turn anger into a self-defined source of motivation.
To stop punishing oneself is to be responsible for oneself and save oneself from self-enclosure.
- V. Confrontation: Overcoming the fear of facing parents directly
Everything we did before was to prepare for confrontation with our parents-this will be the most frightening and most empowering thing.
must clearly realize that the purpose of confronting parents is to:
● face them directly.
● Completely overcome the fear of facing them.
● Tell them the truth.
● Position your future relationship. The result of the
confrontation is not all parents can apologize from the heart, but in the process, the injured children have already reconciled with themselves. If you have the courage to face your parents directly, it means that you are no longer the child who is completely controlled by your parents. You have the ability to live your own life. There are various ways of confrontation, which are suitable for different situations. Because confrontation may trigger various reactions from parents, Susan provides clear and feasible guidance in the book. It is truly fearless and methodical.
Confrontation is the most prudent part, a little carelessness may lead to abandonment of previous efforts or more damage. Confrontation on the basis of adequate preparation, all confrontations are successful, because confrontation can finally liberate people from the old relationship with their parents.
- 6. Professional psychotherapy
Some injuries cannot heal themselves, and some behavior patterns are already deeply ingrained, and it is difficult to break them on their own. At this time, the help of a psychologist is needed, provided that he must have relevant professional training and Have certain experience.
conducts individual or group therapy according to individual circumstances, expresses all his emotions through writing letters and role-playing. This is a magical process from negative to positive.
Learn to try to rewrite the history of injury, embrace the helpless child, confront the parents, put down the pretense, and after a series of professional responses, make a calm and rational decision about the future relationship with the parents.
You will see more and more proofs of your strength and health. The changes in your perceptions, emotions and behaviors will be integrated into your personality. All in all, you can "graduate"Up.
From despair to health, this is a real rebirth from the ashes.
Rescue yourself and shape the future
. Some trauma is really caused by your parents. Only by recognizing the harm the original family brings to you can you truly face it and defeat it, thus changing your controlled life.
More importantly, this process not only means saving oneself from the family legacy of guilt, self-hatred and anger, but also saving one's own children.
breaks the old family relationship, promises and does not let one's own tragedy happen again, so that one's own children can be protected from it, this will be the best gift for oneself and their children's offspring.
Susan Fouard's "Native Family" is a sharp knife that cuts off the restraint of parents, and a pair of warm hands leads a desperate person to rebirth. This is a placebo for every child who has been poisoned by the original family, to nourish the heart lacking love through words and heal the wounds of life and soul.
As Lu Xun said, "despair is illusion, and it is the same as hope." Breaking the shackles of the original family is of course more difficult, but as long as you have hope and fight against it, you will eventually be able to open new doors to feel love and learn to love, and give you new possibilities in your life.
*Profile of the author: Traveling in the sky, a woman who combines love and loneliness, talks to herself between dream and reality.
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