The author of this article | Liu Na
The sign of aging is not only the opening of the Internet, but also unfamiliar names and faces everywhere, as well as children who are familiar with celebrities, who have grown so big overnight.
turned on the phone yesterday and saw that the daughter of Jia Nailiang and Li Xiaolu Tianxin had her 10th birthday. In the photo of
, Tianxin looks like both mother and father. She wears a crown and Chinese clothes. She has a slender body and bright eyes and bright teeth. She has become a graceful girl.
pic @李小玲Weibo
Thinking back to the old days, Tianxin, who was under two years old, participated in a variety show with weird and expressive spirits, and instantly became a fan.
Her words "we are white", which she doesn't want to be said to be black, are still impressive to this day and can't help but laugh.
We are in vain @Network
Eighty-nine years have passed in a flash.
The cruelty and fairness of time is that it makes adults stumble and grow old, but it makes children grow up.
Yesterday, Li Xiaolu and Jia Nailiang posted at the same time, wishing their daughter Tianxin a happy birthday.
The sweet in the eyes of my father, the cat is funny doing handicrafts, and it is so lively that it makes people happy.
's mother's eyes are sweet, confident and generous, and there is a girl in the Yi family who has grown up.
pic @李小玲Weibo
Although, due to the scandal that was well known on the Internet, Li Xiaolu and Jia Nailiang divorced.
Li Xiaolu's reputation has declined, her career has been damaged, and she has become a marginal person in the entertainment industry.
But she and Jia Nailiang have shown conscientiousness, responsibility and generosity in raising Tianxin, which is amazing.
The two of them share the same goals and a good relationship when it comes to parenting.
In the four years since the divorce, reporters have photographed from time to time that the two took their children to exercise, play and travel together.
After the divorce, Jia and Li Chang accompany their children together @网
Tianxin, who has grown up gradually, every time he appears on the camera, the stretch, sunshine and self-confidence revealed also make people healed:
Parents divorce, the size of the impact on children , does not depend on the divorce itself, but on both parents.
Today, I want to start from here and discuss with my friends, 5 facts about the impact of parental divorce on children:
I often have friends who have to go to a crossroads when their marriage turns red and ask me if divorce has any effect on my children?
My answer has always been:
yes.
What children need most is a sense of security and belonging.
Whether it is textbooks or children's songs, they are subtly domesticating our children:
A happy family has a father and a mother.
The parents are separated and they are at home. Whether the child is with his mother or his father, he is bound to be unable to see the party who does not have custody every day, thus creating the question of "why my parents don't live together".suspect.
The father (or mother) who has obtained custody of the child, no matter how strong, good, or competent, can never be separated into two caregivers to give the child a complete home.
This is the decision, divorce must have a certain impact on the children.
This is true.
Face the facts, we don't need to whitewash or exaggerate, just accept it as it is.
The biggest advantage of accepting the truth is knowing that what you can do is limited and you are not a perfect mother (or father), so you also let go of control over your children and give your best love.
So how much does divorce affect children?
02
Second, the impact of divorce on children depends on the cultivation of parents.
has two female friends. They also divorced their ex-husband after their relationship broke down, and they also live alone with their children.
A The child of his mother's family, he studies well, has a good personality, and is confident and generous.
B The child of his mother's family dropped in grades, fell into depression, and once dropped out of school.
Where is the problem?
A After the divorce of mother and father A, there was a brief sadness, but she gradually let go of her obsession, regained her confidence, worked hard, and loved life.
She smoothed herself out, and no longer held any grudge against the man who rebuilt the family.
A Dad left his ex-wife and children, and he felt guilty in his heart. Seeing that his ex-wife raised the children so well, he felt a strong sense of compensation.
two people achieved "parents are separated, but the child is still our baby".
B Mother was unable to come out after being separated from Father B. She always regarded herself as a victim and kept instilling the thought of "Your father is too bad, don't let us go" in front of her children.
B Dad himself is not a good bird. He also likes to gamble. The guilt of divorce was quickly offset by the curse of his ex-wife.
Because he hates his ex-wife, he doesn't even want to see the children, and the alimony is intermittently paid.
This aggravated B's mother's resentment and curse against him.
After their divorce, they are still in the power struggle of spiritual fights, and it is the children who end up hurting.
Parents divorce, the impact on children depends on the cultivation of both parents.
When Dong Jie and Pan Yueming just got divorced, an insider broke the news that Dong would not let Pan visit his son Dingding.
After Song Dandan and Yingda divorced, Song wrote an article saying that Yingda had never called his son Batu for many years, let alone a visit.
It is not difficult to imagine that this decisive approach will definitely hurt the child's heart.
The reason is -
03
Third, attacking either parent is an attack on the child.
has a girl who is now admitted to university.
She was a reader of mine in high school, and I wrote many letters to her.
When she was seven or eight years old, her mother cheated on others, divorced her father, and never came back.
Her father started a family again, and she lives with her grandparents.
Her grandma loves her very much, cooks her delicious food, and supports her to read.
But her grandma likes to say something like this:
"Your mother is not a good thing."
"Don't be shameless like your mother." , the little girl would cry and quarrel with her grandmother.
grandma is very angry, and her relationship with grandma deteriorates.
She wrote to me, "I know my grandma loves me, but I don't want her to say that about my mother, even though I have a vague impression of my mother, but I still miss her in my dreams."
I told her, you don't want to Grandma insults mom because you're from mom and part of you is ashamed when grandma insults mom.
Children come from both parents, and the blood of both parents flows through them, and the flesh and blood are born from the union of both parents.
After the divorce, whether the father slandered the mother, or the mother cursed the father, or someone else attacked the father (mother), the child will feel in the split:
is attacked by himself.
This is also the reason why smart people try to protect the other party in front of their children after a divorce:
"I don't care about the person who has left. What I care about is the child's self-esteem and sense of integrity."
Then, after divorce, What should the parent of the child give to the child?
04
Fourth, what children need most is a stable energy field.
A 13-year-old wrote to me, saying that my father and mother had long ceased to love each other, and that my father seldom came home. When he came back, he saw that her mother's nose was not nose, eyes, or eyes, and she even beat her.
Later, mother and father divorced, and the stone in her heart fell to the ground.
"I finally don't have to worry about every day, I can study with peace of mind."
A turbulent marriage is worse than a quiet divorce.
In a family, if parents compete secretly every day, or quarrel and fight, the energy field of the family is suppressed and tense.
In such a magnetic field, children will be consumed too much attention by the parental relationship and become sensitive and unable to concentrate.
If the parents get divorced and free from each other, the children can follow the relatively good side in all aspects, and they can become focused, confident and stretched in a stable energy field.
Dear friends, if you are unfortunate enough to get divorced, if you get custody of the child, don't blame yourself too much, don't worry too much.
As long as you love your child generously and strictly, and give him a relatively stable energy field, he can grow into a flowering tree.
At the same time, a friend asked, after divorce, do you want to tell the child immediately?
My thoughts are --
05
Fifth, what troubles children is not the fact, but the plot.
After some friends got divorced, they didn't want to tell their children and lied to them that their father (mother) was working abroadwork, or go somewhere else.
This approach can only be called a delay, but it cannot solve the fundamental problem.
About whether to tell the child, when to tell the child, how to tell the child, I want to share two words with my friends:
The first word - fast .
Tell your kids the fact that their parents are divorced, be quick.
tell the child that the parents are divorced when the child can roughly understand what the divorce is about.
After the divorce, the parents don't live together anymore.
But before, mom and dad loved each other very much, so there was you.
Now that we are divorced, we are still your mom and dad.
If you encounter any difficulties, you can tell us.
If someone hurts you, we will protect you together.
Tell the child as soon as possible that the fact that the parents are divorced will help the child to grow up with peace of mind and focus after confirming the facts.
instead of being distracted by self-doubt and random suspicions.
The second word - slow .
As for the reason for the parents' divorce, I think it's okay to tell the children after a while.
When they first got divorced, many people were not calm, they regarded themselves as victims, they all resented deeply, and they were easily dominated by emotions.
doesn't understand the past enough, and it's easy to fall into the extremes of attacking each other.
It is easy to plant the seeds of hatred in the hearts of children, which in turn become divisive and painful.
Hold on, let it go.
and others have all started a new life. They have been polished by time to reflect on themselves, have compassion for the past, and understand their old friends. When they tell their children why, they will be peaceful and forgiving.
In this way, good causes will be planted, and there will be more blessings.
is like a relative of mine who divorced her ex-husband when her child was 5 years old.
The child asked her why her father didn't live with us. She said angrily, "Your father was taken away by the fox spirit ." The vixen appeared and smashed the TV with a hammer.
When the child was 15, she had remarried for many years and had a second child.
Because of picking up the children, her husband and her ex-husband became buddies, and she and her ex-husband no longer had any hatred, but more understanding.
The child asked her: "Mom, why did the relationship between you and my dad get better after you divorced."
She told the child truthfully:
"Over the years, my mother has also grown up. When I was with my father, my mother also had a lot of places. It's not good enough.
The biggest gain for mom and your dad is that they have you, and mom never regrets it." No matter what, I love you all."
hurting children is never a fact, but a plot.
The so-called plot is a play in which an adult puts himself into the role of the victim, adds fuel to it, and is full of emotions.
The so-called fact is that adults are willing to face pain, take responsibility, and are willing to tell children the truth.
The real adults, don't force the drama, but try to be as truthful as possible.
Finally, a word to all friends who read this article:
The most important thing is not to get divorced.
It's our relationship with the people we love.
