The bigger the child, the bigger the territory to gallop. For adolescents, who have stepped into the adult world with one foot, they need more space than ever before.
At this time, as parents, we must not easily touch these three "minefields" of children. Author of
| Cola Mom
Recently, I watched a TV series called " Big Exam ".
Among them, the relationship between mother Dong Bihua played by Liang Jing and son Wu Jiajun played by Rong Zishan left a deep impression on me, and also made countless netizens shout:
"It's too real. ."
Wu Jiajun likes animation and the second dimension, and his dream is to apply for the animation school.
But the mother strongly disagreed, and wholeheartedly prevented her son from taking the art test and let him sprint 985.
To supervise her son's studies, the mother sits behind her son every day.
Once, when Wu Jiajun saw that his mother was asleep, he secretly completed his own painting works, only to be seen by his waking mother.
For this, the mother was furious, and despite her son's pleas, in a fit of rage, she destroyed her son's entries that he had painted for months.
The son was also in a hurry, and he said to his mother:
"Are you sick?"
"You are so vicious, you are not as good as your stepmother!" far away, never see you again, I want to leave this house." When the mother couldn't bear it any longer, she slapped her son hard.
Believe this scene, it is very familiar to many parents with adolescent children:
Since the child entered adolescence, the obedient and sensible baby has disappeared, replaced by a sensitive and rebellious bastard .
Even if his parents are out of love and for his own good, he doesn't appreciate it, instead he wishes to be as far away from his parents as possible.
At first, I also thought it was because the child was getting older and his wings were hard.
But when I read a lot of psychology and pedagogy books, I realized:
Adolescent children, every time he rebels, every time he is disobedient, he is actually safeguarding his own sovereignty and protecting his own territory.
is written in the book "Accompanying Children Through Adolescence":
"What adolescent children need, we provide more space for them to self-organize and repair themselves.
instead of disrupting themselves according to our ideas The rhythm.”
So, in the face of a teenager, a lot of times, what we don’t do is more important than what we do.
Especially the following three things, parents must not touch -
Don't touch the bottom line of children's self-esteem "
Indeed, Dong Bihua loves her son very much and is conscientious:
resigned as a room manager in order to accompany her son to prepare for the exam; she refused to let her husband who was on a night shift in the door for fear that her husband who was a police officer would carry the virus on her body; she took care of everything in detail. Taking care of her son's body and making a preparation plan for him...
At the same time, she also turned her efforts into a kind of moral kidnapping, and regarded "for your own good" as a means of controlling children.
In her life, Dong Bihua often belittles her child's dreams, compares her son with others, and even slaps her son directly when she is in a hurry...
Her words and actions have left scars on the child's self-esteem.
Finally had one time, my son couldn't bear it anymore:
"Can you say anything for my own good? Can you do anything? Have you considered my feelings? I have self-esteem." , beating and scolding...
In the eyes of some parents, these are just means of disciplining their children.
can be tantamount to the most vicious humiliation in the world for adolescents who take their self-esteem beyond the sky, enough to destroy their lives.
Remember the 14-year-old boy who jumped off the building in Wuhan?
Because of playing poker in the classroom, several boys were called parents by the teacher.
After the mother of one of the boys arrived at the school, she slapped her son in the crowded corridor without saying a word.
After that, he grabbed his son's neck hard, and then pointed at his son.
The boy said nothing the whole time, but after waiting for his mother to leave, he climbed up the railing.
jumped off the fifth floor and fell to his death.
Just like Bi Shumin said:
"The growth of a child is to first confirm his existence from the pupils of his parents.
If even the closest person ignores your dignity and denies your value, then the child is I can't see the meaning of my existence."
Faced with adolescent children, sometimes, there is no better way to communicate than "talk less and cook more".
talk less, to save face for children.
Cooking more is to let children see our love and care for them.
With dignity and nutrition, children can absorb the energy needed for growth and successfully pass through the "dangerous" adolescence.
Don't touch the child's privacy
Before, I saw such a video on the Internet:
A mother installed a camera in her child's bedroom and broke the door lock of the room. At the end of the video, my mother proudly made a "yeah" gesture towards the camera.
In "The Big Exam", a similar plot also appeared:
Every time Dong Bihua entered his son's room, he would enter by pushing the door. In the face of her son's protest, she didn't take it seriously:
"What am I knocking on the door of my own house?"
And this move completely annoyed my mother.
While saying "there is no privacy between mother and son", "mother is good for you", and "you will be grateful to me when you grow up", she removed the lock cylinder in her son's room so that he could no longer close the door.
At this moment, the empty keyhole witnessed the victory of the mother and the suffocation of the son.
is no exception.
A psychological consultant once told such a real case:
Since her son Xiaojun entered junior high school, her mother always worried that her adolescent child would turn bad.
Therefore, she often eavesdrops on Xiaojun's phone calls, follows his son on his way to school, interrogates his new friends, and evenAfter the child fell asleep, he secretly flipped through his schoolbag and checked his letters...
Even if Xiaojun objected in every possible way, the mother still said:
"I am your mother, there is nothing I can't read, even you were born to me. , I'm not doing this for your own good?"
Once, my mother peeked at Xiaojun's diary again, and happened to be bumped by Xiaojun.
An unprecedented conflict broke out between the mother and son. During the quarrel, Xiao Jun angrily tore his diary to pieces and rushed out the door.
Since then, he seems to have changed as a person: silent, withdrawn, and even searched for the "blue whale game" about suicide on the Internet...
In this regard, the counselor told his mother:
Everyone has their own psychology Boundaries are like a "psychological wall" that protects oneself.
If a parent ignores the child's privacy and forcibly enters his territory, the child's psychological boundary will be broken.
Especially children in adolescence, they often take a more violent way to fight back -
either become rebellious and aggressive;
or revenge their parents by self-destructing, falling into a black hole of self-isolation and self-denial, seriously. Yes, and even misanthropy.
Protecting the privacy of children is to leave enough space for children.
gave him enough energy to focus on studying and thinking, instead of focusing all his attention on fighting his parents.
Don't touch children's hobbies
Wu Jiajun's classmate Zhou Bowen once used this word to describe Wu Jiajun's mother Dong Bihua:
Functional illiterate.
The so-called "functional illiteracy" means that although a person can read and write, he cannot use his literacy skills to adapt to changes, and he is unwilling to change his original cognition.
As a functional illiterate, in Dong Bihua's eyes, his son's liking for painting is "a mess" and "not doing a proper job".
She must not know a concept called "transitional space" proposed by psychologist Winnicott.
That is to say, by creating an imagined space, people can comfort themselves and gain the courage and strength to solve real problems.
For adolescent children, the great changes in body and mind, academic pressure and realistic anxiety make them extremely anxious and emotional.
At this time, a healthy and lasting hobby is the best "transition space" for children.
Sometimes, we might as well hold back our anxiety and expectations, and show more support, less resistance, more appreciation, and less prejudice to children's interests and hobbies.
Every Friday night is when my son plays football with his friends.
Sometimes I get tired from playing football, and I will stay in bed the next morning, but my father and I have made an appointment not to interfere with him.
Not only that, I also found:
Although his son has become "cold" a lot after entering adolescence, he will still become eloquent when it comes to football-related topics.
Occasionally, when it comes to the end, he will also arrogantly add:
"What are you talking about, you don't understand football." will feel much happier.
is in a good mood, and has more strength when faced with setbacks in life and study.
wrote in "The Kite Runner":
"Children are not picture exercise books, you can't patronize and paint your favorite colors."
Therefore, if you want to have a positive, motivated, and peaceful child, the most important thing parents should do is to respect his interests and hobbies and reserve an open space for his growth.
There is a famous " fish tank rule " in psychology:
says that several small fish have been kept in a fish tank for many years.
Although the temperature is suitable, the environment is beautiful, and people feed them on time every day, these small fish just don't grow up.
Until one day, the fish tank was accidentally broken, because there was no substitute for it, people could only keep small fish in the pond in the yard.
did not expect that after just a few months, these little fish have grown up a lot.
Small fish need free space to grow, especially children.
Many times, how far a child can go in the future depends on whether we give him a fish tank, a pond, or an endless sea during adolescence.
After all, to love a child is to give him dignity, space and love to help him become the king of his land.
instead of in the name of love, under the banner of "for your own good", let him live as a puppet.
Like and , I would like to share with all parents.
