Lost confidence twice, in exchange for 51-year-old confidence: the second half of life has just begun

Last Sunday, July 26, I just passed my 51st birthday! I am 51 years old now!

Last year, I wrote a 50th birthday declaration on love and marriage. Love and marriage have always been topics that I thought about repeatedly before the age of 50. As for children, it has never been the main theme of my life and thinking before.

As a young man, I never thought about giving time to my family. If I were to spend the whole day with uncontrolled troublemakers, I would be crazy at the thought.

is different this year. The new crown epidemic has changed too many things. We suddenly discovered that tomorrow and unexpectedly, we really don’t know which one will come early. Some netizens concluded that in the first six months of this year, we have witnessed the Spanish flu in 1918, the Great Depression in 1929, and the financial crisis in 2008. In just half a year, we have experienced a century of human changes.

is very happy that China has controlled the epidemic very well, the city has resumed busy traffic, and your life is gradually returning to normal. However, the U.S. epidemic has become worse and worse. I have not been out for 5 months. The time at home seems to be frozen, and everyday life is like a single cycle.

unfortunately, because of this, I have more time and opportunities to get along with my family, especially my two daughters. And the insight that I got along with them was something I had never had in my 50 years of life.

In the past 5 months, I have witnessed their growth and changes, and also witnessed their self-confidence loss. I seem to see myself in my childhood, which made me think about a question: How can grow into a confident girl in today's unpredictable era?

01 Girls’ first unconfidence: childhood self-confidence collapse period

Every girl has extraordinary abilities. We are not obliged to please others. We also have the right to resist in the face of unfair treatment. Only by believing in yourself can you realize every possibility. But we also need to face up to it. In the process of women’s growth, we will inevitably have periods of being in a state of unconfidence and being in a "period of lack of confidence."

research shows that girls’ first unconfidence usually occurs in the adolescent period of 8-14 years old. At this stage, the self-confidence of girls will plummet and they are also easily affected. And the impact of lack of self-confidence on girls is long-lasting. For most girls, once their self-confidence is hit, it will not be cured in a lifetime.

And my eldest daughter is 11 years old and my younger daughter is 9 years old.

spent five months together, I watched their confidence slowly disappear because of the troubles of growing up.

I saw the amazing creativity of my daughters. Sister Pip is a very talented artist and a budding filmmaker. She opened a channel on YouTube and took videos to teach children how to make simple snacks. My younger sister Lila is an excellent writer. Her thoughts and creations are more expressive than when I was a child.

Not only that, but their emotional intelligence is also getting higher and higher, and they become more aware of their words. At the same time, they become more sensitive and tend to think too much. These overthinking make them often fall into self-denial and destroy their self-confidence.

If friends don’t reply, they will worry about whether they are irritating them; if they don’t receive a party invitation, they will think that "everyone hates me"; if they accidentally make a small mistake, they will continue Feeling guilty for weeks... They subconsciously associate all bad things and bad emotions with themselves, and feel that it is their own fault-even thinking that others think so too.

Looking at them, I recalled the time when I was in my 20s and 30s, when I was troubled by endless self-denial.

02 mother's required course: learn to let go

As their mothers, my instinct is to help them get rid of these troubles and smooth out all obstacles in front of them like a bulldozer.

If someone bullies them, my first reaction is to find the child's parents immediately and ask them to promise that there will be no next time. But if I do, how can my daughters learn to establish healthy emotional boundaries to protect themselves?

When they have a conflict with their friends, I would like to tell them directly what to do. But if they listen to me in everything, how can they learn to listen to their heart?

51 years of life experience told me that the only secret of self-confidence is: Think less, do more.

boys do this.

So, whenever I see my daughters in trouble, I take a deep breath and restrain myself. Instead, I provide simple emotional support and encourage them to actively solve their problems: "This is really bad. I know why you are so sad." Give them a big hug, "What are you going to do?"

Then I try to give them as little help as possible. If they need more options, I will brainstorm with them; if they need actual combat drills, I will play that child.

When they implement solutions, sometimes they succeed and sometimes they fail.

In fact, adversity is not a bad thing, even a good thing: when you rebirth from adversity again and again, self-confidence is incorporated into your body. I think back to my childhood. As a Chinese girl who grew up among white people, I was not very gregarious and was always ostracized by the collective. But I did not give up participating in social activities around me. Although there were still times when I was out of group, I had no other choice but to cheer up and try again and again.

are just those difficult growth years. I built my self-confidence in my 20s and 30s, and helped me to harvest a successful career and sweet love in the future.

So, if I pave the way for my daughters in life, how can they be prepared to face these obstacles when they want to enter society independently?

I finally understand that the meaning of childhood is to let children learn to be independent gradually. The prerequisite for establishing an independent personality is to have enough self-confidence, and the only way to find self-confidence is to constantly face and solve obstacles of all sizes in life.

I am very grateful that this epidemic has brought me this extra time with them. It not only allows me to help them better control their lives, but also allows me to gain a lot of new ideas. Where is

Dave? He is right beside me. Whenever I see them playing together, I am always touched by this harmonious picture. Studies have shown that a girl who grows up with a good father will feel more secure. When she grows up, she will not be easily PUA, and will be more inclined to choose a healthy and loving relationship.

(By the way, whether it is for me or my daughters, I am very fortunate that I did not choose to be a mother at the age of twenty. If I were a mother at that time, I would definitely mess up everything.)

03 Girls’ second unconfidence: 30-year-olds who are afraid of getting old

We will always grow up in childhood and enter 30+. Many women are beginning to face the second "deficiency of self-confidence" in their lives.

Forever young may be the common dream of many girls, but we will eventually grow old. So when we start to grow old, the fear of age and aging makes us ignorantIf you take measures, and then swallow our self-confidence. I have also experienced

. At the age of 30, I became less confident because of my age. At that time, I thought 30 was the watershed of the value of a woman. Wrinkles appeared on my face and my chest was no longer firm. After I was 30, I was no longer worthy of being loved, but lonely Waiting for death.

looks like success, but looks like failure. The survey results of the "2019 Chinese Women's Confidence Report" show that appearance and appearance will directly affect the self-confidence of Chinese women. They think that American quotient is as important as IQ and EQ. However, they did not give high marks to their American businessmen. About half of them believed that they were unattractive, and 1 in 6 people felt anxious when looking in the mirror or taking pictures. More and more women are trying medical aesthetics and plastic surgery, but these "beauty" tools do not bring people confidence, but make women more and more anxious and unconfident.

But is the low self-esteem brought by age really insurmountable? Can women find indestructible confidence in themselves in time through their own growth, and gain autonomy from the inside out? Of course can!

Getting old is itself a cool thing. Now I am enjoying the process of getting old. For , getting old means being more confident, brave and happier.

Compared to being young forever, I like the traces and wisdom that years leave on my body and appearance. I have struggled, enjoyed, laughed, cried, and loved. I'm still here now, better than ever. My story is hidden in the wrinkles on my face, it is the proof of my hard work and enrichment.

Now, I feel balanced and harmonious. No matter the past, present or future, I don’t have to pretend to be a chameleon anymore. I have only one identity now. I am the unique Joy Chen Yu.

04 At the age of 51, I am more passionate.

brings the confidence, courage, creativity and passion that I have given me over the past 50 years. At the age of 51, I have and will continue to do more and more passionate creations.

I want to shoot more short videos, write more articles, and publish more books. I want to achieve my mission through creation: to help 100 million Chinese women realize their potential.

Life cannot always stay in the comfort zone. Life is to Dream Big and actively overcome all difficulties. I feel particularly honored to have a very good team to accompany me to complete this mission. They are more than 20 years younger than me, but I am often shocked by their wisdom and insight. I like to work with them and learn from them. Because of them, I can continue to rush forward with more passion and less pressure!

The highlight moment that excites me most this year is the re-published "Don't Get Married Before 30". This book will tell you how to become your own Ms. Right and how to use headhunting methods to hunt for your own Mr. Right. . This book has always been a C position in my mind, because all the content in the book is what I understand now, but I hope I understand it at the beginning. Along the way, all the successes and regrets, laughter and tears, I hope to do it again.

The generations of women before us, they all live in the arrangements of others. Suddenly, our lives can be controlled by ourselves. The endless possibilities are both exciting and confusing. We seem to be able to do everything, but what should we do?

"Don't Get Married Before 30" answers all the above questions. The updated version of

2020 includes my latest works in the past 8 years, so its content is brand new. Since this book was first published,

has caused a lot of controversy. Some fans took the courage to leave her bad husband and marriage because of what I said. Many people also gave bad reviews, saying that this book is not suitable for Chinese society. I was even followed by an extremist because his wife saw it. I left him after this book...

I think all this is veryOK. Because I have long understood that my goal is not to please everyone. But to find the group I want to serve, that is, "you". Other people's ideas are not that important.

You may or may not agree with what I wrote, but my goal is never to convince anyone. I write this just to open a dialogue: These are my thoughts, what do you think?

I sincerely hope that all the content we have created can encourage you to become more brave, dare to ignore the rules and find your own answers. In order to achieve the answer you want, you can act bravely, walk into this complex world full of opportunities, contradictions, and beauty, and seize everything you think you deserve.

My fans sometimes refer to me as their role model, and I also receive private messages like this: "Joy, I hope I can be as successful as you at your age."

Please don't think so. Regarding life, I still have half the way to go. In this half-unknown journey, I still need to learn a lot.

does not need to be in line with others, no matter what age you are now, you should welcome every day with a positive and fearless attitude. I am also just getting started in my new life stage, no different from you.

Think less, do more. Focus on the present, live in the present, and take the next step that you think is the most correct!

I am very grateful for being able to walk with you hand in hand, and look forward to our being able to continue to discover more possibilities in life together.

With love,

Your Joy