, who is unemployed at home, posted a circle of friends. In the comment area, father and mother left a message saying,
"Don't get drunk."
"Go back early and don't spend the night outside." The
page pulls down the second one, which is me. Newly posted dynamics. Obviously, they passed me directly, as if they hadn't seen it.
This kind of feeling... how to say it, rather than crying and grieving like a child.
More, let's panic. An unloved panic.
hardly hesitated, I immediately deleted my own one. Because
didn't want to be compared, the two side-by-side dynamics were like a parade. The officials reminded me:
look, even your parents don't like you.
is so real. Two small circles of friends have exposed the family status of my brother and me.
2
is different from the friends and colleagues who directly block the parents, and the opposite of the younger brother who can only see a rare dynamic by his parents. My circle of friends is completely open to them, but it doesn’t matter to them. The last chat history of
was still two months ago, because the salary was not given to them, the last sentence my mother sent me was:
. I don’t know how many times I have heard it since I was young.
was involuntarily retreated by the spell of "you are a sister",
was overwhelmed by the excessive demand of "you have the ability to give money",
was separated by the distance between "you are an outsider when you marry" and Indifference, all kinds of
, made me once suffered from severe depression.
Many times, I feel that I am in a hot desert. The predicament of lack of love makes me near death. The pressure of life is more like a huge and heavy package, which makes me unable to stand up.
I can only crawl step by step in the invisible desert. I am the only one behind and in front of
.
3
When I was born, the family planning policy was implemented. In order for my brother to be born smoothly, I lived in my grandmother's house until I was in elementary school. When
came into the house for the first time, the ignorant brother pointed at me and asked them innocently:
"Will this sister always live in my house?"
Until my younger brother also went to elementary school, he occasionally screamed at me. :
"Get out of my house soon."
was also dissatisfied and cried, but every time I was reprimanded, it was me. They always said,
, "You don’t know how to do it?"
The grievances and tears that were out of their doubts were swallowed back little by little.
You have to rely on your younger brother to eat delicious things first, and
extracurricular books can only be bought if they get the first in the class.
is the same thing, my brother crying in exchange for hugs and kisses,
my crying can only get slaps and disgusting eyes.
When I was young, especially on winter nights, I envied my brother who could sleep between his parents. The three of them laughed and made noises and were intimate. I stood trembling and trembling, before I climbed into the bed, they said,
"The bed is too small, you go back to sleep."
"Why people are as sensible as you are."
"Do you think you are young? Do notYes? "
curled up in my own cold bed and buried my head in my own bed and cried secretly, I would think,
" But when I was young, you never slept with me. "
I needed their love so much at that time, but most of the time, the biggest feeling was that they were a family of three, and I was a wanderer outside the high wall. I had a poor life, and I couldn't walk into their world. .
Slowly, "sensible" has become my shackles, and pleasing them has become my skill to survive. I learn to do housework to make them happy, and I help them take care of their younger brothers and relieve their burdens. I don’t cry, and I’m not headstrong. When I was young, I studied hard and I grew up trying to make money.
It has become my instinct to learn not to trouble anyone.
and this anyone, including my dearest parents.
The first year of work, he went home for Chinese New Year. I asked with emotion,
, "Why don't you make a few phone calls at home throughout the year, why is your child not kissing us at all?" "
At that moment, I fell silent. That's what I always wanted to ask them,
Yes, why I don't kiss you at all.
4
In that year, I took the first place in the district and could enter the city. It’s the best one in the school, but if I go to a regular high school, not only the tuition is free, but there is also an additional scholarship.
No.1 Middle School is my goal all the time. After receiving the call from the teacher, I rushed to find my father to report the good news, but my father Don’t care,
"Just go to the 13th Middle School and get a scholarship. I heard that the key class of the 13th Middle School took more than 20 exams last year. "
" But Tsinghua and Peking University recruits more than a dozen for the key class of the First Middle School..." I tried carefully,
"What about Tsinghua and Peking University, you must be pragmatic, and a girl is enough. "
mother has always been a poisonous tongue, she also joined the camp, ridiculed,
"If you really have the life of Tsinghua University, you can be admitted even in the chicken coop. "
Later, I learned from my relatives that they took the 30,000 yuan scholarship to pay my brother's school selection fee.
The future I worked hard for myself was not worth mentioning in the face of their selfishness.
filled out volunteers after the college entrance examination. , I subconsciously chose Guangdong, the farthest from home, and it cost 2,500 yuan for a whole semester.
When I went home to buy a ticket for the freshman winter vacation, I found that the sleeper cost more than 400 yuan, and the seat ticket was more than 200 yuan. , He hesitated between saving money and comfort, and missed the golden period of ticket grabbing. After a refresh, there are only soft sleepers and no seats left. The former costs more than 700 and the latter only costs more than 200.
It was the first time I asked them for money, because the train takes 27 hours and they can only buy soft sleepers. But my mother's reaction was very fierce,
, "You go to college or go out to enjoy it." "
" Just stand there, and if someone gets off the bus, go and sit for a while. "
" If you can't stand for more than 20 hours, you can't? Last university was still squeamish. "
before hanging up the phone, she said the last sentence,
"Whoever let you run so far, you don't want to come back for the New Year, no one will hold you back. "
Finally, I bought myself a station ticket with the money left in my pocket, hungry, and spent 27 hours on the train, tired and tired. After returning home, my mother,
While playing mahjong, he laughed and joked with mah friends,
, "Isn't you back? I can't die." "
I looked at the two-thousand-dollar pair of shoes on my brother's feet and touched her neckRefers to the gold jewellery.
for the first time, very disgusting to this family.
is also the first time to realize the importance of money to me.
Economic independence became my strongest desire at that time.
After school started, I started to use my spare time to work. Milk tea shops, small restaurants, tutors, substitute classes... I arrange my spare time fully. And this kind of busy exhaustion brought me a sense of steadiness.
"Only oneself is one's own support" is the most unforgettable truth I have learned in the first 18 years of my life.
5
A year before graduation, I had a boyfriend, not the first person I like, but the person I want to marry most.
I found a good job in Guangdong with him, and completed my future plan to the full. At that time, I felt that I was the happiest person in the world. I was so happy that I could reconcile with the past. All the pains I have experienced in the past are okay. Written off.
During the first year of work, I took him home. Without understanding the character and character, they went straight to the negotiation of gift money and wedding room.
"You want to buy a house here. Of course, my girls grew up with a baby. If you can't marry, you will have to pay back the loan with you. The wedding room must be in full, and the decoration should be done before marriage. Write her "
" "According to our custom, we give an auspicious figure to the bride price and make up 188,000. Of course, our family is not selling girls, so this bride price will bring you half as a dowry."
"After all, I’m married, it’s better to have a car, it’s not too expensive, just buy a transport, it’s best to buy it before marriage."
"..."
Their preparations were also overwhelmed by their lofty attitude and the conditions. Finally, he said that he would go back to discuss with his parents, and then left my house. When
boyfriend left, I vaguely felt that this relationship was about to end. Frustrated, I asked them,
, "You have asked for so much, what dowry are you going to give me?"
is probably because I have a bad tone. Dad beats me on the head angrily, "We are all for your good , I haven’t married yet, and I’ve turned my elbow to someone’s house?"
"You’re really clueless. If he really wants to marry you, he will naturally get it in place as required, otherwise you will be elsewhere, and it’s impossible in the future. Good to you. They give a lot, and they will pay more attention to you in the future."
"Parents are always true to their children, you will understand if you don't understand it now."
"It's not for your good, in case of divorce You still have a way out."
But... Does excessive demand really make me happy?
Why are you not willing to give me something, let another strange family give it to me?
boyfriend really broke up with me, his family's financial ability is limited, and my parents' attitude is arrogant. The days when I was at both ends were almost the most tiring time in the first half of my life.
and they didn't have much reaction after they learned that I was broken up,
"just say that this person is not reliable, fortunately I didn't marry."
mother didn't care. At that moment
, I suddenly understood.
Their contribution to me has always been within a rational and sober range, and will not let myself and my brother lose a bit.
6
Ever since I was young, I have been imprisoned by words such as "excellent" and "independent", pushed forward by their explicit and implied expressions, and I have been forced to grow into a child before I become a favorite child. An adult.
Until now, I was sensitive and suspicious, depressed and withdrawn, and the difficult situation of not being able to learn to love or get love made my first half of my life extremely difficult.
But, what am I doing wrong?
Is it wrong that I was born as a female? Is
wrong because I am sensible enough?
is wrong because I am expecting too much? If
is not, why am I carrying so much?
Is it because the gender is female, so we are born to suffer such unfair discrimination?
Why is it that I have desperately tried to improve the difficult situation, but still can't get rid of the discrimination from genes?
Are we unable to eliminate the heavy burden brought by gender prejudice throughout our lives and bear the price of being despised and oppressed?
7
Now I still can't get out of the shadow of my original family, but I start to try to love myself.
has less and less contact with that family. My brother didn't go to college and stayed at home all day long. They are almost 60 years old, and they are still making money for that son for the rest of his life. Is
miserable? It doesn't seem to be because I have become their target because of a good income.
For more than three years, they asked me more than 100,000 for various reasons. Until two months ago, my greedy great mother who could dedicate everything to her son forced her daughter to hand in all her monthly salary,
, she still sent it over there reluctantly, completely Regardless of what I told her half an hour ago that I was having an important meeting, too, in their eyes, only the son's business was important. But suddenly I wanted to figure out a problem. I asked her,
when I saw the string of malicious text, I suddenly let go. Even if you sever the relationship bravely, there will be no more psychological burden.
Yeah, all this is obviously not my fault, why am I living so hard?
Later, I decisively cut off all contacts with them.
This year when I was 27 years old, I finally learned to no longer hope and hope.
In the first half of my life, the value of my founding gave me the capital to be independent and self-reliant.
Yeah, what would happen without their love.
Now I am only fortunate that I am awake enough to not let my life fall into a worse situation.
I know that there are still not a few girls like me in China.
They are also struggling with prejudice and discrimination.
They may be relieved like me, or they may still be struggling in pain, lamenting the injustice brought to them by gender.
Even if it hurts, I still want to stand up and inspire them with my own stories. Even though it is hard, I still have to use my best to shout to the world:
Please raise your head bravely, your bright smile should not be covered by shadows.
Please accept yourself, gender shouldn’t be something you are ashamed of.
You can tell everyone proudly: I am not sorry for being a female.
